Awwwww Shit.

So. I'm on my 3rd, or, maybe my 5th.. drink of the evening.
(Who's counting, right???)
I swear, you start early, USUALLY you finish early.
Not tonight though.
Tonight.
I am on a ROLL.
(AND, I'm tellin ya, I only speak in CAPITALS when I actually mean it)

SISTER & I collaborated, this 29th day of our Lord, 2008. (ok.ok. I've been reading Old English novels and wanted to incorporate it in)

**BTW, Which really means that she did all the work and I fiddled around trying to look busy whilst (another reference to the OL'.E.) getting to claim some credit for actually doing shit....***

HEY!!!! I actually DID DO some shit..Yeps....
(I mean really, I DID take a couple of shits.) But, beyond THAT. ahh, emm....

I cut some bread.
I cut some other stuff up.
I, uh........
I DEEEManded Beer.
I bossed MINI ME around.
I lit some candles.
I washed a shit ton of dishes.
I peed.
I drank beer.
I made MashApOtatOES;said like this:Mash~A~Poe~TAY~toes(say it in a monster voice)
I watched SISTER and learned.
really??????
I DID learn stuff!!!!I swear!
Ohhhhh! I also made some sweet turkey, wild rice, creamy deelicious soup.


I suppose though what it really boils down to is that when all is said and done, whom ever keeps the dishes up, gets to say, HEY!!!! They too, were a part of the whole process.
I am proud to be that person.

There is nothing better to me than having a bunch of incapacitated people, so full from their own gluttony that they have nothing better to do than thank me for their big fat guts.

I derive SO much pleasure from that.

Does that make me a bad person? NO. It Doesn't.
I will eventaully rule you ALL through your guts.. I'll DO IT!!
Do not doubt my ambition.
(You will all bow to my culinary skills!!!)
*******I just need to sharpen my knife over here in the corner for a minute... Don't watch. ****

Trust me. You will one day lie back in complete contentment as a direct result of a deeeelicious meal I have just created.....and.......
THEN, and only then, will I pounce.
It will be unexpected.
AND, I suspect you will shit your pants!!!
(I DO have diapers for such an occasion)


I get ahead of myself though.
Do not be afraid.

I'd hate to scare all of you unsuspecting diners.

YES.

Come to my house.

EAT my food.

I can at least guarantee that you'll like it.
And, if you leave wearing a diaper...
I swear!
I won't be the one to tell.

(That you are now my minion)
AH AH HA HA HA AH HAHA

Common! Lets go build a snow man!

Let it snow, let it snow, Let it snow!!! YAY!!!

I am SO alone.

YEs. I am alone. No one comments on my blog and no one writes any longer, especially me! It's like once I put my bike in the shed, POOF! nothing. My mind dried up.
I suppose I can attribute it to joining the gym and getting up every fricken morning @ 5:45am to work out w/ MINI ME... I mean, beyond yesterday and the weekend.... Those days I was just either too damn lazy or too damn drunk.
(I hate being on the computer when I am drunk. I usually end up drunk emailing or surfing porn til I can't see strait.) NO GOOD!

Jabba Jabba Jabba

It really started snowing today.
During the lunch walk I had to wear my boots, gloves and a hat!
I've finally faced the fact that I'm going to have to transition to my winter clothing. On the plus side though winter is the great time to hunker down and start crocheting again.
(Expect scarfs for X Mas again people!)
Oh yeah! I'm starting a sewing class next week, gonna make a dress and then a jacket. VERY exciting eh? I know, I know.... Your jealous right? Well you will be when I'm wearing my cool new 'home made' clothes!
I may even consider making you something beyond a scarf...
If your lucky.
On the other hand, the last 2 shirts I made didn't turn out that great, sooooo...
I suppose we shall have to see.

Well, like I said I put my bike away a couple weeks ago. After careful and long deliberation, I decided that the only way for me to save $$$ this winter was to buy a new car. *I really don't know how I thought that THAT would actually save me money, but either way.*
I am now currently the proud owner of a tiny little baby new car.
WHooo HOooo!
I mean really, what's all this hubbub about an economic crisis? Hell, my IRA may be taking a shit, but god Damn iT! I have a new car!!!!
(Maybe when I retire I'll be able to live in it.) I won't have Social Security either so why not?
PLUS, I only had to spend $50.00 to fill up my gas tank rather than the $100.00 I normally spend! And, although I now have a car pymnt again, at least I can drive to Seward and back with out having to fill up more than once!

Life is very exciting an this winter is going to be totally awesome. I'll try my best to keep everyone up dated on the happenings.

For now, I promised to teach my niece how to make snow balls and build a snow man.


Common Snow!!!!

HAPPY B DAY MINI ME

I started that last post on the 15th, but finished it today. So's not to confuse everyone. I really have been slacking!!! I promise I'll do better from here on out.
Yours truly,
SOME OFFICE GUYS SIDE KICK

Neglect.

I apologize to you (the faithless reader) for my lack of ambition lately. You see, I've fallen off the wagon. With school started and having to drive MINI ME everyday, life just hasn't been very exciting.
Beyond the fact that I have been sick as a dog the past two weeks...
Still..
Not very good excuses to not be blogging.

I think that my body was so used to profusely sweating everyday that once I drastically reduced my rides, it rebelled. Needless to say, I am going to join the gym tomorrow and start back on the track to sweating and then in turn being healthy once again.
In the mean time I'm sitting here at work bouncing on my big red exercise ball trying to keep the phlegm from flying.

My head feels like I am swimming in a vat of water.. Every time I swallow it sounds like someone is turning a lamp switch on and off in my brain. Oh yeah! AND,I really have grown fond of coughing! I have decided that the only real way to get that stubborn stomach flab off is to cough excessively.. Everyday, ALL day, and for an added bonus, at least 50 times at night.
MINI ME keeps telling me that I have the BLACK LUNG. I've kinda grown fond of that name and am considering changing.
Oh, BTW, It's MINI ME's 17th B day today. WOW!!!
I can't believe that I am SO fucking close to freedom!!!!
The light at the end of the tunnel is becoming more like the sun everyday. Hey! I can even consider buying both MY LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD and MINI ME luggage for X mas. Speaking of which, since MLBRC has turned 18 she has decided that she can do what ever the hell she wants. Including getting tatted up. (Oh what a dark road she is headed down...) Ha hA ha Ah HA hA HA!!! I keep having dreams of her serving drinks in some dank bar with a stripper pole. Oh well. I don't suppose it's the end of the world if she's covered in tattoos. I'm still gonna love her. Hell, Shit, the girl already has blue fricken hair and her nose is pierced.. Whats a few tats added into the mix, right????

N E Whoo... Back to my freedom. YEEEAAhhh HAAA!!!! I have these brief (VERY BRIEF) moments of nostalgia, thinking about what I'm gonna do once the girls are gone. Then I come to my senses and start planning my escape.

30 miles.. Yep, it's Gluttony.

At its finest.
F.JIM is on a work out kick. She invited us this past Saturday to go biking w/her trainer and a couple other chicks from the gym. Little did we know that we had signed up for a 30 mile Nazi bike riding boot camp.. 2 hours into it I'm cursing, sweating and ready to die from sheer exhaustion. My legs were like rubber and I really don't know how I didn't end up puking. I actually think that during the worst of it I may have even blacked out. Not to mention the fact that the night before was DANGER GIRLS' B day party and we drank ourselves to oblivion.
I had the shakes, the shits and I'm pretty sure I looked like death had warmed me over....
Hell!, Riding to Eagle River was easier than what we did on Saturday.

But, I suppose I can say, "I did it, bitches!"
It may not have been pretty.. But, at least I get to brag about riding my bike 30 miles! Plus the muscles in my legs seem to have grown, bringing me that much closer to my dream of hanging from a tree to strangle some one with them!

Things are looking up!

I Had A Bright Idea!

Over this last long weekend, I spent aloooooot of time extremely bored.
What with everybody out of town for the holiday, my social scheduled suffered something terrible.

So Saturday rolls around and the few friends I still have in town have made other plans, well I do what any gal could do, pawn the kids off and call the one friend that stayed in town and did not have plans.
A man of quality and stature, good ol' KNILES. ( hey ifin I ever get the chance to do ya, that is what I would cry out)

Anyways, KNILES recently had surgery on his knee. Well he was just the perfect friend to ride with, due to his recent temporary decline of physical health, I was able to completely and totally kick his biking ass!
Under normal circumstances this would not have been the case.
So for that I am relish in my victory.

Along the way KNILES and I come up with a few new biking terms.


BB = Ball Banger; Like a Pussy Banger but, well you get the idea!

BBSW= Bike Butt Sweat Wedgie; You sweat so much, that your butt eats your boxers and uses them for a sweat rag!

Yes on occasion I do wear chic boxers. Remember a previous post about a Thong Eating Monster! I don't want that to happen to me, besides I have been told that they do look sexy!

Any who, today I had this bright idea to ride my bike to work. Thinking that if I rode 30 miles with KNILES, what is 25 today.?

Well let me tell what 25 miles today is like...........

It is not as easy as I thought that it would be! Something about riding first thing in the morning after getting everybody off for the day.
I reminded myself along the way how far I had to go, and then how far I had made it.
I met a moose having breakfast, and had to go out of my way to avoid the possibility of getting trampled.
I also ate copious amounts of bugs. (Protein, I guess!)

I did however make it to work and home again. Thank goodness!

So today I really stuck it to the man! Fuck you man! I'll eat bugs before you get one over on me!

Can you hand me a towel?

I, have a problem.

I am a sweaty beast.

I sweat any where, everywhere, all over and ALL the time. From the top of my head, the small of my back, to my ass crack, and straight down to the in-betweens of my little baby toes. I can't help it.
Am I going through menopause? Maybe i have an over active. uhhhhh, something??????
It's kinda like blushing. You can't stop it. In fact, i think that I've replaced blushing WITH sweating.

A long long time ago, I can still remember..... when i didn't walk into a store and immediately have to mop my brow, and feel the overwhelming urge to poop. (I mean, the two go hand in hand together right?) Actually, if really I truly think on it, I can't pin point the actual beginning of this whole sweating business.

I think it started out that I'd go somewhere and be a little over dressed, wind up over heating, get all sweaty and gross and have to leave. Then, it progressed to every time I'd be in a weird situation.. ya know, like flirting w. a cute guy, talking to strangers... that sort of thing. Then, I started biking.... Oh Lord help me!!!!
We'd get done w/ a particularly hard ride and I'd be drenched. I have even had to put my clothes over a fan cause they were so soaked in my girl drippings.. (ewwww)

I don't know if I will ever grow used to the sticky icky feeling that accompanies me everywhere I go.

I've been trying to think of solutions to my "little problem", but have yet to really find something good.
Maybe I need to find a little leprechaun to fan me all hours of the day. Or, better yet, a midget!
I'm also toying with the idea of trying to strap a huge fan to my body.....hmmmm..... that's gonna take some ingenuity.
What if I could fly????? I had a dream once that I was sitting on a toilet, flying...... I won't bore you with the details, but that seems like it might be a good way to keep my over active sweat glands in check.
How about if I just go naked? YEs!!!! Boobies flapping in the breeze, totally free.....
OR, I could put my clothes in the fridge before I wear them. Wait, No.. that's just plain silly.

DAMN IT!!!! Why does this have to be so fricken difficult?

so far, I like the flying idea the best. I can picture it now. Me, soaring through the skies... Not a care in the world.... Dry as the that kosher fiber cracker I ate this morning.

HEY!!! I know! I'll get two birds stoned at once and just fly naked!

No more sweating for me!

Skeletor.

Today seems to be the last ride for us.
I called some guy an asshole that almost ran me over... And, I almost ran over some Don Young supporters that wouldn't move the fuck outta my way..
What a way to end it, eh?

AND........The best part of it all..

The reason I know I've actually made it, is that when I was cruisen past our buddies "the bums", one yelled out....
"I wanna be your bike seat!"

Now how often do you get a compliment like that????

You know your lookin good when a bum wants to be your bike seat.

My summer of biking has finally paid off!

Cheers to the last day!

Now excepting your comments!

For the love of BUMS, people if you read this blog and like what you read, please please please leave us a comment!!!!!! We love our blog and hope you do too. But there is no way that we will know this if in you do not leave us a comment!!!!!!!!

Drinking and Bums do NOT mix!

We are down to our last ride. Monday will be the last day that we can ride to work.
Let us take a moment of silence to mourn the end of summer......
Ok, well that is enough of that! Let us look on the bright side of life.

Hummmm I can't think of anything. Can you?


Well I guess the only thing to do is think of happy things. Like oh, I don't know, puppy dogs and pansy's. Yeah that is not working for me either. Somebody please for the love of BUMS, help me!

Thursday was probably the best ride of the year! At the end of the day, the sky opened up and poured monsoon style rains. Well, we had no choice but to wait it out. Thank goodness that our boss rewards us with margaritas at the end of the week!!!! It was a good excuse to have two. How could he say no, what with the rain and all.

Thankfully the rain stopped as the last of our 2nd margarita went down our gullet! Happy as two clams, SIDEKICK and I set out on our trip. We decided to have some treats (wink, wink) along the way and we were even happier. So buzzed and stoned we rode our way along the trail towards home.

We could not have foreseen what would happen next. With out warning my bike made a sharp turn towards Will's place, and WAMMMMM, I hit the building at warp speed, ducked and rolled and landed my ass upon a bar stool right at the beer counter!!! How convenient, Thank god for beer!

SIDEKICK and I had our two beers and what do you know SISTER calls and is on her way. We had to stay, you know obligation and all. So I had one more beer and SIDEKICK had two more (high alcohol) beers, and it was time to go.

Needless to say this ride was even better than the one before.

Untill........

SIDEKICK met a bum upon the trail. And well let us just say she could not ride today because of the swelling and bruising.

Oooops!!!!!

God damn BUMS should know to stay the way out of HOT DRUNK BIKER CHICKS!

Anyways, at least our last few rides have been exciting, nothing like going out with a BANG!

Oh,yeah.... This is what we do when we aren't biking.

Spenard

OH, and BTW, I do live in Spenard..

(This is my sweet new shirt!, juss to prove it!)
Thanks Kimikimkim!

We took the time today...

We thought, just for posterity that we would share our progress thus far. It's not like we're lookin for some type of congratulatory praise or any bull Shiite like that....
but,gorram it!
it sure is good to say that we have done it!!!

For those of you that needed a little reminder.

OK... Here are OUR asses. You see'em. Right? Well, there they are! ~There will be periodic updates on shrinkage, if any~ (I am, however... At best, optimistic about it!)
After stopping off @ WILS' PLACE tonight AND drinking copious amounts of beer, I've finally made it home. I mean, I've just been pining to get home and post a picture of my ass on the inter web! I swear!
Either way, here we be.
Well, while I'm on the subject, I would like to expound upon the thoughts running through my mind today.
First, I would like to say that I have to pay homage to ALL the bikers.... EVERYWHERE.
While we are not the first, nor the last, nor the fittest,..
~Let alone the skinniest.~ We do..
AND, I will have you all know that we are fighting tyranny, oppression, high gas prices, Big government(aka..THE MAN), being fat, stupid people, and the everyday doldrums that life seems to offer us.
Secondly, I would like to say that YES, we are committed.
We are committed to biking everyday. We are committed to yelling and cursing at motorists that are inconsiderate. We are committed to "stickin it to the MAN", (then, of course, bragging about "Stickin it to the MAN")
We are thankful for red lights, and not to mention,the DOWN HILL.. ( I capitalized that for a reason, ~you fat biker girls know what I speak of.......)

And, last but not least, I would like to share my mantras...The ones that I wake up to everyday...That keep me going. That get me out of bed after a night of 3-8 beers, 1-3 Caucasian Gary's, and maybe some (4-6, maybe 8) glasses of wine.. A few shots of Jager.. Then a night cap of Brandy.. (On the rocks, of course!)
Hey, water is good for you!

My Mantras:
"Quarter to 6, get rid of this!" ~ This all said while pointing at my big fat gut.~
and.. Also,
"6:45,trim those thighs!"

The last dregs........

The end is near!!!! Lord help us all!!!

What with school starting and MINI ME needing a ride everyday it really is gonna put the kibosh on biking. Not to mention the impending cold weather and snow. Shit.
I'm really going to miss making fun of all those people in their tin cans driving to work. I'm also going to miss my padded wallet. I estimate that over the summer I have probably saved approximately $1200.00 in gas. Now, THAT is sticken it to the man, if I do say so myself!!
I will now have to resign myself to driving in traffic once again. UUUUGggghh...
I DON'T want to do it!!!!!
Why can't global warming speed up? Just wait, it'll finally happen when I'm so old and decrepit that I can't even entertain thoughts of riding a bike. By then I'll be too busy shitting my pants and telling the same stories over and over and over again...
Mark my words people.

I've have been comforting myself with FEMALE JIM'S stories of the gym. I have visions of emerging from winter, muscle bound and completely svelte. Of course that was supposed to happen at the end of a summer of biking. Unfortunately for me I just can't quit eating and drinking copious amounts of beer.
I wish I had the discipline to extricate all of the vises I so dearly hold on too..

Ahh well.. I am what I am.

MY LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD, MINI ME and myself are heading off to Seattle to celebrate MLBRC's 18Th Bday. We will spend time tooling around Seattle and then we will party it up @ Bumbershoot! OTHER BROTHER, COOOLEEN, and SISTER will be joining us later in the week. WHoo HOO!!!!

I will leave this (lately somewhat neglected) blog in the hands of DANGER GIRL. She will have to regale you all with stories of drunken biking and bum sightings.

I trust she will do us all proud.

Until then,
SOME OFFICE GUYS SIDE KICK

So Sad

Whelp, we are down to our last few rides. This my friends makes me very sad. This means that I have to return to my regularly scheduled household chores. This SUCKS!!!!!!

It seems that SIDEKICK and I each feel this impending doom, and are pushing ourselves to our breaking point. On Tuesday my riding partner overslept, fortunately SISTER made it. However she only rides half of the ride with us before she has to go her own direction.

This left me to my own jumbled conversations in my head. Yep, I now can confirm that I am indeed crazy! (shut up! I know what you are thinking!)

On my ride home I was racing SIDEKICK, her in her car and I on my bike. Well she won.

Of course!

However, I made a valiant effort at keeping up. I pushed myself to new levels, and traveled at new speeds.

We met up at Will's place for our Tuesday night ritual of drinking beer, and planning to save the world.
Why is beer so damn good, and the world so fucked up?! Four beers later, I am back on my bike, and going for the gold! I found that you can ride so fast that you are not really sitting on the seat. Rather just levitating slightly above it. Wow that was cool!

So on Wednesday, SIDEKICK decides to punish me for riding without her. (I still hateses you!) My legs were feeling like lead weights, and remember I drank alot of beer. Sooooooo I was not up to my usual riding self.
Not only did we ride like the wind, but we also took the extra long way as well. (again I still have mad feelings at you) Today we took a new trail, and faced headwinds so strong, I am sure a jet could not of flown straight.

For the weekend, I am planning a long ride. FEMALE JIM has agreed to bless us with her presence. (Maybe I can try to kill her again. Think Kenny from Southpark) Hopefully her cute boyfriend can fix up her gently used bike. (wink, wink)

Tomorrow is Friday, and once again I am sneaking another bike ride. I will however be getting paid to go to work . (This week!)

Bum Signs

We found this sweet sign today.
I'll be curious to see that tattoo when it's done.

We are thinking about starting a bum sign company.
We'll supply them with signs and bum clothes. It'll be awesome!


Oh yeah.... God Bless

My helmet just keeps getting better and better.

Bananas for everyone!

Totally off the subject..
I was the victim of a random banana attack yesterday.
(Actually, it was a banana peel to be precise.)

There DANGER GIRL and I were waiting patiently for our walk sign when a little white car came careening around the corner. The driver of said car took one look at me and threw his banana peel. He didn't quite hit me, but I know for a fact he was aiming for me. (Call it a sneakin suspicion)
First, I find it very coincidental considering my freakish fascination with bananas..
(For those of you that know me, you know what I speak of.....)
Secondly, I think that maybe this is my long lost soul mate.
I mean, really?
A banana? Really???? What prompted that?
My only thought is that I must be banana worthy.
Now THAT is saying something.

I really didn't realize this before now, but not many people are banana worthy.

I AM!

I don't know if this is some kind of weird sexual banana throwing fetish or something but I just wanted to thank the driver of that little car.
You sir made my day, and if you see me on the trail again please feel free to throw as many bananas peels as you would like.

And, for the rest of you...

Watch out!

DANGER GIRL gave F.JIM a bike, then tried to kill her.

Here's a comment for the latest blog. I need a cool job where you surf porn and blog while working. Do you have any openings there?

Dear Danger Girl,
I just wanted to say thank you for the "Gently used" Bicycle that you handed down to me. I was so excited about getting out on the open road and peddling my heart out.
I was equally excited about taking my new found toy out for a spin with you and SOGSK on Saturday. The first part of the ride I spent peddling and peddling without any results until I finally figured out the gears. Afterwards I was ready to fly.
Of course I didn't realize that my new toy would soon become the Death Machine and I would literally be flying down a hill. All the while behind me I hear you saying, "Don't panic. Use your back break, Your okay."
WTF.????
I am certainly not okay. What back break? There are no brakes at all. If there were I would have surely used them instead of choosing to plunge to my death. I do want to thank you however for making me a believer in helmets.
Safety before beauty.
I also want to thank you for reminding me of a song from Willy Wonka that I recalled while I was finding my escape from what could have been a blood bath.

Round the world and home again
That's the sailor's way
Faster faster, faster faster

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a–blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a–glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing



Sincerely,

Female Jim

Sorry Jim

I have lately come to realize that I, DANGER GIRL, have a sick, sick, sick, addiction! (well ok, maybe more than one) No, I am not talking about my love of alcoholic beverages, or making sure that the labels face out on my canned goods. Oh no, no, no, this my friends is much BIGGER than that!

BIKING!!!!!

If I am not thinking about booze, I am thinking about my next ride!

So lately SIDEKICK, and I have been making up things to do so that we can ride our bikes. I have been even going into work on Fridays. And,what is really sick is that I do not even get paid to be there!

I know that many of you have been wondering what I did with my crappy bicycle after I got the new one.
Weeeelllll, I did what any good bicycle lover would do. I gave it to a friend that did not have one. One that did not ride enough to know what a piece of shit the bike really is.
Wasn't that nice of me!??

So on Saturday we all get together to ride our bikes over to this artsy fartsy party that we are bar tending for. Well, when I gave the bike to FEMALE JIM, I forgot to tell her some pretty important stuff about how the bike currently operated.
Nothing too major, only the fact that EVERY time you go to ride you have to check the brakes.
**Sometimes the front brake thinger dinger comes undone. (no big deal, really!!) Like I said, nothing major.

UNLESS........Of Course...

You are going down a very steep treacherous hill and you have decided for fashion purposes NOT to wear your helmet.
As FEMALE JIM and I begin our descent down this very steep and treacherous hill , FJ yells to me that she does not have any brakes, I calmly yell back "Don't Panic!" I tell her this a few more times, (as if this is going to help her navigate the situation better.)
Luckily for FJ she is a fast thinker. With her hair blowing wildly, and her cheeks flapping, (because her mouth was wide open in terror and I'm also pretty sure she was going faster than the speed of light!)she spied her escape!
A small dirt hill and some railroad tracks.

I also need to mention that there are people and cars everywhere and we are supposed to make a sharp right at the bottom!



Needless to say, my ass still hurts from the chewing out she gave me. It did not help that I was laughing hysterically. (of course not until I new that she was safe)

Gosh, some people are just so ungrateful!

Ring my bell!

It's been a while since I last wrote anything.
So slorry faithful readers!

We have been riding all over gods green creation. Everyday.
It's been fairly nice out and we haven't been rained on in like, 6 days!!!
(knock on wood)
When we started out this Monday we both were feeling pretty shitty. The events of the weekend apparently had caught up with us and (because we are psychically linked) we both were coming down w/ the crud.
Well....It's Wednesday and we are living proof that you can exercise a cold right out of your system. We sweat so much that no virus has a chance in hell of surviving!
AH ha ha ha ha hA!!!!

Other than that, nothing has really been happening. I mean beyond the normal avoiding death at every intersection and such. Oh yeah, and DANGER GIRL took my bike into the shop this weekend to replace a couple of parts and now it rides like a dream again. Whoo HooOo!

Life has actually been pretty boring. I keep trying to think up something fun to write about but, Nope...
I suck.
My mind is in a vortex currently. I just finished a really great book and am trying to read up on the ballot measures for the upcoming election. I know!!! Exciting eh?
I got really stoned last night and resolved that I needed to become a politician.
Yeah Right!!...
Then I woke up this morning and decided that I had far too many skeletons in my closet for that sort of thing. I mean shit! THAT could get ugly. Maybe I'll just have to content myself with trying to influence those around me to vote the way I want them too....

Well.. N E Whoo... Just thought I'd touch base and assure everyone that we are not lying on the trail somewhere having been mauled by a bear or something of that nature.
We're still goin strong. We're still Sticken it to the man, and YES
we are still awesome biker babes.
And, if you happen to see us on the trail, please, for the love of GOD, honk and whistle!

How far will they go????

I'm going to share a little personal info with you people.
I wear thong undies.
Now, riding my bike I have discovered that regardless of the fact that my underwear are already up my ass, they never cease to reach depths that I thought would be, or could be imaginable.
Unfortunately for me, I've been wearing them so long that I can not go back to the 'full ass' kind. So, I am stuck.
Imagine your precious little bung hole being grabbed by two pieces of material. "In one corner, we have: THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE THONG!!... And, In the other corner: THE LEFT SIDE OF THE THONG!" DING DING!!!
Each side fighting to gain a strong hold, yet neither one will win.. They just continue to struggle, grabbing every ounce of spare flesh that may be exposed........

The trails we ride are VERY bumpy. I have tried to stand while trundling along, but I've got to peddle.

I ride a cruiser.

It is somewhat difficult to stand and peddle at the same time... So, I have to sit. All the while my underwear are crawling deeper and deeper into my unknown parts.
I have this thought that one day someone will come along the trail and find just my bike and a pair of thongs...

They will probably be saying something like, "Nom, Nom, Nom.. burp!"
Having crawled so far up there that they will have consumed my whole person.

Maybe I'll just quit wearing them........

Meeting the Maker, Almost

I almost met the maker today!
I was racing home...... in the zone, going warp speed, when all of a sudden as I am nearly across one of the cross walks, I look up and wham! There is a car, right there,
going full throttle and turning full speed.
Well , I let out a scream of the greatest proportions.......
"AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE! WHAT THE FUCK???!!!"
Thank god that bacon eating bitch, saw me at the last minute! She had come with-in 3 inches of my sweet precious life!(and new sick bike)
I'm sure that if I had not screamed my blood curdling scream she would have takin me out.....
In one big nasty squish.


Aside from all of this, my new sick ride is freaking awesome! It peddles like melted butter, and shifts like a dream! (most of the time, gotta get a tune up)


On this most glorious sunny day, all I have thought about is riding my bike!
I can finally see myself as a full time bike rider. (except in the winter! ........Maybe?)
I have to get my MINI ME'S up, able and fit for the riding.


I, like SIDEKICK, am wondering if we will be sitting on a park bench drinking the last of an Old E 40 waiting for spring. If you see us, please don't bother stopping us.
Salty beer is not as bad as it seems, and our tears will dry by the spring melt.


I would like to share now, some of the terms that SIDEKICK and I have come up with along the ride...........


PB= Pussy Banger: that is when you hit a bump going really fast, and the bike jars up and hits you....... Well, you know where.

BG= Bum Gum: when your gum becomes too hard to chew, and you must dispose of it, somewhere the bums can find it, and chew it later.

DR= Drunk Riding: I do not need to explain this. It has been talked about often in our other posts!

ATLR= At Least There're Riding: fat people we really like to see riding their bikes.

BD= Bum Drinking: yeah, you guessed it! The last swig of a forty.

BF= Bum Food: any and all food, found on the trail. This is to also include hot dogs that are hours old, and cooked in the sun. (they looked tasty til someone ran them over! poor bums!)

BS= Bum Sex: the nasty stinky fish smell that eminated from the bushes while we were passing 'known' bum bushes. (THIS is just wrong! AND IT STINKS!!! take note bums! Wash yer shit iffen' yer gonna get it on!)

BB= Bum Bushes: where the bums sleep....... (and have nasty, stinky bum sex.)

BE=Bacon Eaters: any and all people that dare to run us over in cross walks! We are convinced they are just trying to hurry up and get that next piece of bacon.

Well, that is a good start for now.
Let us know if YOU can think of anything else for us.

THERE'S NO CRYING IN BIKING!!!!!

Whelp, as DANGER GIRL has already pointed out...We biked our asses off last week.
I would like to take this opportunity to expound a little more.

When we started this adventure the thought behind it was,
Stick it to the man!!! And, hey! we'll get in shape while we do it!!
So far we have been successful in all of our endeavours. I have only had to fill up my gas tank about3 times since the beginning of the summer! and I've lost some weight too!
However, WE (I have decided) are total gluttons for punishment.
20 miles one day... What? 50 the next?
I have taken to riding on the weekends and we recently added an extra leg to our journey in the morning.....All just to log a little more time spent on our bikes.

I am a biking junky.

I can relate it to the crackheads we occasionally pass on the trail. Or, even better! The bum we saw rummaging through the old, dank 40's under the park bench and then drinking the remnants... EwwWWWww!
If a day passes that my hair is not dampened and my back isn't running with sweat I feel like I'm missing my fix.
But yet, on the other hand... While I am in the midst of my biking adventures I am constantly lamenting, "Why? Why? Why, do I do this to my self?"
(Normally this happens when I'm going up an especially challenging hill.)
DANGER GIRL never fails to remind me that, Yes, in fact we are gluttons.

This brings me back to the point of being a junkie. What is it about human nature that drives us to such self assailing punishment? Before I started biking the only thing I got really excited about was drinking beer at WILLS PLACE, Camping and building fires.
Now, it's like I've stuck the needle in and am starting to loose my teeth cause I'm so addicted.
I've lately found my self worrying about what I'll be doing in the winter. I imagine trudging out in the snow to the shed where my bike will be stored and dreaming longingly of the time we can be together again. I even agonize that the time spent apart will be too much and I will lose interest all together...

I have got to find something to replace this compulsion to bike when the snow flies!

HELP ME PEOPLE!!!

If you can't.....You very well may see me on the side of the road, eating bum food and drinking from half empty beer bottles this winter. AND, if you do, don't you dare try to stop me!
I'm just trying to get over missing my bike.

road ragers

Don't let this happen to you, for the love of Jebus!

Hitler Mad

Now for my side of the story....... Thursday was a very exciting day for me, after my tire went flat and I had to maneuver my lame bike on only the rear tire. Which I might add is not easy! I was looking rather the fool as I swayed all over the road trying to control my beast of a bike. How that retard in the truck could have missed seeing me is beyond my understanding.


After arriving at the gas station, I stomp on over to Fred Meyer, a Mad woman on a mission. I race thru the store find what I need and proceed to the check out. The lady at the self check out gives me a strange look and steps quickly out of my way. I pay for my tire and with a few more strange looks stomp back over the gas station . Upon my arrival, SIDEKICK who is on the phone takes one look at me and busts a gut laughing. Some how along the way I had given myself a sweet Hitler grease mustache! Well, no wonder people were going to great lengths to stay out of my way. We have now coined the term HITLER MAD!


After all of this, SIDEKICK and I decide that we need BEER! So we bike to her house, and head to our OTHER FAVORITE BEER STORE to replenish our souls and stomachs. After this SIDEKICK decides that she needs some "real" biking clothes! So off we go to REI. I, of course have been longing for a sweet new bike, well let me tell you, it was like letting a kid go in a candy store. Needless to say an hour and several hundred dollars later we emerge. SIDEKICK with a huge bag of "real bike clothes" and me grinning ear to ear with a sweet new bike. Taking from one of the terms we learned from our "real bike friends" It's a Sick ride!


This is all leads us to Friday. Due to the recent excitment of the new bike, of course we decided to ride to work again. (normally we do not ride on Fridays)
Well, the day before with everything that had happened, (I forgot to mention) we had also locked our keys in the office. Sooooooo...... We had to ride to the boss's house first and acquire some keys. It's about 31/2 miles out of our way so we decided to explore the trails. It was like riding in a rain forest. Everything was green and luscious, the sun was shining and we were taken in by the beauty of it all.
At some point we realized that we should get off of the trail and figure out where we were at. Long story short, we were way out of our way, and now needed to get back on track.
At the end of the day and several errands later we figured that we had ridden between 18-20 miles!
On our day off I might add!


Today I am a little sore, but still grinning from ear to ear!

I have a few suggestions that may help.
First, I have invented a new product. With it, you can scale any mountain with your bike over your head!

When you see this in coolers by next year, you'll know you saw it first on 409 gals.

Secondly, it is a little known fact that THE LIGHTEST BIKES OF ALL are the invisible ones.

But don't be fooled, they're not without hazards.
It's an even lesser known fact that my preferred method of locomotion is actually levitating. I highly recommend it.
Notice the shadow. I love hovering over ancient Moorish castles. Don't you?
The only fuel required for this is beer and beans.

It's raining outside...

This is what we've looked like when we finally make it home the past couple days.......

Here is proof.

Yep.

Another day another dollar.

I would like to apologize in advance for the sideways view of the video. Apparently once you take a video on my camera you can't turn it..
So, that having been said I'll tell you a little about our morning.
DANGER GIRL and I were zooming along making record speed when DANGER GIRLS' tire went flat.
Luckily we weren't that far from the nearest convenience store and gas station. We walked our bikes the rest of the way. DANGER GIRL had to literally carry her bike until she discovered that she could sorta semi-wheel it on the back tire.. (As you can see in the video.)
On the last road we had to cross, some dick face in a big ol fat gas guzzling truck turned right in front of us.(he looked right at us and turned anyway!)
Me, being filled with bike rage immediately yelled, "Fuck you! Asshole!!!" Then, get this! This prick stops his truck, right in the middle of the road, opens up his door and says to us, " Yeah, have a nice day" (very sarcastically I might add.... )
Whelp., DANGER GIRL was not in the mood..
She yells back, "Have a nice day?!??, HAVE A NICE DAY??!!! Lick my pussy asshole!!!"
OH MY GOD did I laugh at that. ALL the way to the store. The whole time we were changing the tire on her bike and ALL the way to work. In fact, I'm still laughing.
I had to call SISTER and tell her all about it. She said we are gonna get ourselves killed one of these days but she definitely wanted a sticker on her backpack that said that.

Victory Hill

Today may not have been the best day for riding, but when you are sticking it to THE MAN no amount of rain is gonna stop ya. So, with out fail SIDEKICK was waiting ever faithfully for me at our designated spot. We shared a good laugh at ourselves for being so diligent and set out on our way.


I sat high and proud upon my seat, thinking to myself how fabulous I am for being out on my bike while mother nature is pouring buckets of water on me. After a little way though, I realized that proud and tall may not be the best posture for riding in copious amounts of rain. It is like giving the bird to someone with a hose, they will only soak you more. That being said, I tucked my head and hunkered down.


On the last part of our journey as we enter the parking lot to work there is this little fun hill that we like to go up really fast. (We will call it Victory hill) Well, I was behind SIDEKICK (remember she does not like all the mud and water in her fabulous hair and face) she took Victory hill with no apparent problems and is zooming thru the parking lot. I, on the other hand hit the hill and am half way up when I feel my tires are starting to slip. I peddle faster in hopes of stabilizing myself, but to my dismay (you're getting were I am going with this) you got it! With a wet plop I landed right in the mud! (You maybe asking yourself now, oh my gosh! Are you OK? I am OK!) Well, I let out a good laugh, untangle myself from my bike and catch up with my riding partner. Who by the way, heard the commotion and had stopped and was laughing her butt off at me!


On the way home all of the rain helped to wash the mud off of me from my fall.
I learned today that jeans are no good to bike in when it is raining. They are more like a vice, the wetter they get, the less likely they are to move and the tighter the material becomes on my bulging thighs.


When I am biking there is never a dull moment. If it's not rain, it's people trying to kill me, Victory hills, saying hello the bums, and laughing all the way!

I forgot my Pants!!!!

All week it has been raining intermediately.
This morning seems to be the most we've been rained on though.
I really couldn't tell you what I was thinking this morning when I left my house with out an extra change of clothes. I have my jacket draped over the air conditioner and my pants are hanging over a fan.
My hair is still wet too.

I thought about porky pigging around the office, but I really don't think the patients would appreciate my ass hanging out.
(Albeit, I will admit that it is becoming a very sweet ass!)

I like the idea of facing the elements and all, but this is getting to be a little much. SISTER even said, "you guys are crazy to be riding in this stuff!".
She very well may be on to something!
But, any whoo....speaking of crazy......

Yesterday, when we were heading home we stopped off @ WILLS PLACE to warm the cockles of our hearts with beer. Like I've said before, WILL is a hard core biker. He does not fuck around. Well, WILL and some other HCB's were talking shop. It was like they were speaking a totally different language.
Here is a sampling of some of the words they were just 'throwin around':
Fork
Titanium, (expensive but lighter! ~ I learned that!)
Downhill Rig
48lb Banger
Internal Hub
Planetary gearing....
WHAT????????
That's just naming a few.
DANGER GIRL and I were trying to pick up as much as we possibly could so we too will sound cool when we talk about our bikes.
However, in the end both of our heads were spinning.. We came to the conclusion that although we may consider ourselves (ah hem...)bikers. No matter what we say, we really are NOT bikers.
They have their own cult. They ride down mountains. They talk about how they would like to get their bikes under 40lbs so they can have "sick rides". They ride in the winter time. They don't even own cars!!!!

All I can really say to that is....
There is no way in hell I'm riding a bike in the winter time.
You can't make me!!!!

Shit, I'll be happy to make it home today in the pouring rain!

Oh Well, hell...At least I can porky pig at home!

Accepting Donations

Well , as I have been a witiness of recent bike debacalls. I can attest to the fact that chains coming off and flat tires, really suck! I was greatfull for my not so great bike, that gets me around. However since SIDEKICK has had her bike tuned up, it makes mine seem even MORE sucky. While SIDEKICK with her 3 speeds can go at warp speed, I am stuck on suck speed with my 21 speed that has a working 9 gears. I console myself by telling myself that when I get a nice bike I too will be fast as lightning.

So that being said I am excepting any and all donations! If you have a good bike that collects dust, or an over abundance of cash please feel free to donate to my cause! I at this point am not above accepting any and all of your gifts.

Thursday morning we awoke to a heavy downfall of rain. That did not deter SIDEKICK or myself from continuing to stick it to THE MAN. As we traveled to work we rode thru rivers, creeks and small oceans. Due to the lack of fenders on my sucky bike I was left to ride alone. SIDEKICK was not partial to all of the mud and water splashing in her fabulous face as we traversed our ways to our daily slave labor . I guess I can not blame her on that one.

When we arrived we were completely and totally soaked! In hopes of having dry clothes for the ride home we draped our soaking wet attire over every single fan that we could find. To my dismay at the end of the day, I pulled my pants on only to discover that I would infact be riding home with a wet ass! Oh well, it only sucked a little. The adventure of riding in the rain was worth a wet ass.

I'd rather be riding my bike

On Fridays I have a class in Eagle River and while I am an avid biker and consider myself to be somewhat fit, I cannot get to E.R. at 9am in a reasonable amount of time on my bike. (I actually haven't tried, it's just a hunch)
SO, I drive.
Now, since I've started riding my bike I have found myself embracing a growing disdain for driving. It's easy to criticize those in cars while riding down the sidewalk on two wheels, unprotected, because let's face it, people drive like shit and pay little to no attention to bike riders.
But jeezus christ! I had dump trucks trying to turn into me, people blatantly running red lights in the middle of a busy intersection in front of me, and several examples of complete disregard for all rules of the road, much less human life, while operating a motor vehicle.
I feel safer on my bike.
I've fallen off my bike at full speed and had a lot of flesh come in contact with the pavement once or twice before and let me tell you, I would take that experience any day over being crushed and potentially permanently maimed by some dumb ass in a dump truck (that was "his caring hands" christian lawn service).
So, I feel as if I should just say it again,
I feel safer on my bike.

Cover your ears children..

Yesterdays ride to the "new" bike shop..

Me: "FUCK! My chain is off. Shit! DANGER GIRL, I need some help."
DANGER GIRL: "Turn it over. FUCK! Piece of Shit! Mother fucker! Fuck!
ME: "Here let me try. FUCK! God damn mother fucking piece of crap! Common!
Let me get my screw driver out."
DANGER GIRL: "You know why your chain keeps falling off? Cause this hunk of shit was made in China. Look. Right there, it says it..."
ME: "GOD. fuck. SHIT. Oh, ok there we go..."

2 feet later....

ME: FUCK! I can't stop. Oh fuck!! I'm gonna crash! Ok..... Turn this fucker over again.. DANGER GIRL help me! I've already got the screw driver out! NO! Put the front on first. Alright! Here we go again!"

15 feet later....

ME: "FUCK!! This is getting old. I'm gonna throw this fucking bike into traffic. Either that, or the chain is gonna come off and I'll just careen straight into it and die."
DANGER GIRL: "Don't worry SIDEKICK, it'll soon be over. Let's just limp it along.. There we go!"

30 feet from the bike shop.....

ME: "GOD DAMN IT! FUCK! That is it! I bet those sons-of-bitches bike jockeys are in there laughing at me. I can't believe I paid SO much fucking money for this lemon. They are gonna get it. I'm going to make them pay for my suffering. They will now witness the WRATH OF SIDEKICK!!!"
DANGER GIRL: "Almost! Common!"




Today: I LOVE my bike again!

Walk your bike. I dare you!

Whelp. It's been six weeks. (We've actually started in on our 7th)
Last Thursday I had the great pleasure of experiencing a flat tire.
Lucky for us we were just passing WILLS PLACE when it happened.
Now, let me tell you a little about WILL. WILL is a biker extraordinaire. He is the Ultimate! He bikes everywhere, EVEN in the winter! And, Oh dear GOD, don't even let me get started on how large and muscular his thighs are...and talk about a sweet, sweet ass. I'd let him crush me anytime!
.....Any way.........
WILLS PLACE also just happens to be where we drink beer every Tuesday. So, my getting a flat in front of it was like the cosmos telling me to go in and have a drink. Right?
Well, we did.
**(WILL pumped my tire up, but to no avail)
DANGER GIRL was the best friend a girl could ask for that day. I figured she'd be doing circles around me on her bike, but nope. She insisted that since we biked together, we would also walk our bikes together.
Thanks again DANGER GIRL.
Let me say, it is a hell of a lot harder to push a bike than ride it. THAT you can be sure of. 3 miles to the bike shop, dripping sweat and cursing all the glass on the trails was no pleasant task.
And guess what???
When we rounded the corner to the bike shop we realized that they had conveniently moved!!!!
TOTAL FUCKERS!
They hadn't bother mentioning that little fact to me when I had called them 2 days prior. NOOOOOO. Not one gorram word! So, rather than walk our bikes the 18+ blocks to the "new" shop we just kept on walking on home.


Going 5 miles in 30 minutes is great. Going 5 miles in 2 hours totally sucks!

Either way. I'm still alive.
So, here's to 6 weeks of biking! Yay for us.

They just keep getting cooler!

I also bought these sweet valve caps for DANGER GIRLS bike.

I'm a real biker!

I finally received the bike bell I ordered 3 weeks ago! It's fricken awesome! I am now becoming an obsessive bell ringer.

Watch Out World!

I have to agree with Sidekick on the camping trip. Tons of fun. Thank Goodness for my dope lesbian carhart (given to me by real lesbians, NOT the fake kind) it saved MOST of my backside from 3rd degree burns.

Being able to pee from a ten foot, broken down tree was quite the accomplishment.

This week starts week 6 and not without its own excitement. While at camping I acquired a sweet pocket sized air horn! (Which I have attached to the handle bars of my bike!)
Yesterday, I got to use that sweet air horn.
As we were approaching the corner where CRAZY DANCING GUY works, there it was, glimmering in the sun, with my hands shaking and my body tensed, I reached over and gave her a big long loud blow.
The reaction I was hoping for from CDG was that he would be SO startled that he would jump 10 feet in the air, screaming like a little girl and maybe pee his pants. But noooooo, he did not even hear me! So, left with no other choice, SIDEKICK and I made a mad peddling dash past him.
Thankfully he did not knock us into traffic. (this time)

Now, I am waiting for that perfect opportunity to blow my air horn at some unsuspecting driver that does not see me. Seeing the shear horror on someones face, maybe THEY will scream like a little girl and pee their pants for me, as I laugh my way home.
Watch out world, DANGER GIRL has an air horn!

I LOVE camping!!!

Campin! Campin Campin!
This weekend was SO much fricken fun.. Almost too much!

We arrived on Friday morning. It was gorgeous out side. Like, 90 degree gorgeous!
and, I (of course) immediately started drinking beers. I biked down by the river and basked in the sun til it went away.
*Now, I do want to segue here and just say.. I am a white girl. I DO NOT tan. So, basking in the sun is not really the greatest idea, but when your camping, getting drunk and hangin on the beach.... Well, need I say more?
N E Whoo.. Tore it up that first night. (to be honest, I don't really remember much about it either)Well, except somehow DANGER GIRL landed in the fire with me on top of her. She got a nasty burn while I escaped unscathed.. SO Sorry again bout that DANGER GIRL!
Got up the next day, had my mandatory Brandy Kahlua Coffee and started the day off just right.
SISTER, BROTHER and I rode 5 miles to the nearest bar and I had a really shitty Bloody Mary.
There is nothing worse than biking 5 miles in hot weather, the whole time dreaming of the type of Bloody Mary that makes you want to shit your pants, then getting there, all sweaty with anticipation and being totally disappointed.
Either way, I didn't let it deter me one bit. I slugged it down and switched to beer.A couple hours later we headed back to camp.
From there it gets pretty blurry..
I know at one point DANGER GIRL climbed a 10 foot tree to pee off of it.(successfully, I might add) Then I climbed it, and immediately fell into her pee. But, I wasn't gonna let it get the best if me. I got right back up there and fell right back off.
Then, SISTER and OTHER BROTHER decided (with our egging) to climb up and pretend they were monkeys. That lasted a few armpit scratches before the tree broke and they landed on their heads.
Poor OTHER BROTHER, he boar the brunt though. He landed on the broken tree stump and his face got smashed with the broken tree. ALL while I laughed so hard I almost pissed my pants.
After that debauchery I was about finished. I rode my bike back to my camp under the pretense of getting yet Another drink and instead snuggled into the back of the truck w/ MINI ME.
Oh yeah, while I was getting into the truck I farted. I then proceeded to drunkenly wake up MINI ME by lamenting to her... Over and over, " GOD! That smells SO bad!! Can you smell that?" Finally she yelled, "WE have established it smells bad! Now GO TO SLEEP!"
In the morning I woke up about 8am. I could barley move, I was broken, bruised, sun burned and I'm pretty sure I counted about 40 mosquito bites.
I was also convinced that death was going to take me in the form of a wicked ugly hangover.
Not to mention it was raining to beat the band.
Needless to say, we had our truck packed, the bikes hitched and were ready to skedaddle by 9am.
When I got home I spent the day in bed. Recovering.
It's now Tuesday and I am finally feeling human again.
I LOVE camping!!

Still stickin it to the MAN

How the heck do I manage to do this every day? With summer upon us, I have taken to drinking heavily EVERY fuckin day! Boy, Oi vey ! Somebody please don't stop me. I take solace in knowing that all of this exercise will save me from liver disease. lung cancer, and whatever else you can acquire from so many bad habits.

Today closes the end of 5 weeks and 20 rides. This makes 100 miles that we have traveled to work. (What the fuck do I work for?) I am not sure if I am stickin it to the MAN, or if the fuckin MAN is stickin it to me.

Things that I have noticed along the way:

A better butt!!!!!!

Large muscular thighs! (I am going to need bell bottoms for my thighs, Bell Thigh Jeans)

Dick Head Mother Fucker Drivers that give no shit for the lowly Biker Chick just trying to stick it to the MAN!

The Bums on Bum trail ride road. ( I made that name up myself)

Costco Vodka is very heavy in your backpack.

The beer drinking store is waaaaaay to convenient on the ride home. ( 1 beer means like 3)

Sex is more fun when your thighs are burly!

You want to have way more sex, and in new positions, because you can suspend yourself from the counter tops in ways you never could before.

And on that note I think I have said way more than I should have, and will sign out for now.

The Time Has Come!

To talk of many things.. Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, and cabbages and kings!!

We're off for our annual 4Th O' July camping trip this weekend. Whoo Hoo!!! This is what we live for, what keeps us sane through the long dark winter days ahead.
It is time to burn shit and get drunk!
It is time to make those memories that we rehash year after year.
It is time for canned beer and hot dogs.
It is time for burnt marshmallows and staying up all night.
Thank goodness chef SISTER will be joining us this time. She always brings the BEST food.
We are planning on taking a big 14 mile bike trip that I'm sure is gonna kill me.
But... We'll still be camping so it won't really matter. I'll nurse my sore body with booze and I'm planning on making MINI ME be my bartender.
It's going to be fricken awesome!

Pure, blatant road rage

I can attest that yes, SIDE KICK was a wee bit tipsy and yes she did swerve a little, but not much!
Do you recall the Asian lady who tried to run all three of us over, that you and DANGER GIRL swore at, shook your fists and kicked at the front end of her car?
It was quite the display of bike rage and I personally laughed my ass off! You should have seen the look on that woman's face!
I sincerely believe her life was forever changed by that event. I bet she thinks twice before racing into a cross walk without looking first! Hell, I imagine everyone who witnessed the event will think twice!
Way to go ladies! Terrifying the city one driver at a time! I'm happy to be a part of this crew!

Drunk Biking

I am a drunk biker. Every Tuesday we head over to WILS PLACE and drink lots O beer. Yesterday was no exception. I drank 4. And let me tell ya, these beers are loaded with alcohol and they are deeeelicious!
Luckily for me DANGER GIRL and SISTER were there to watch me swerve down the trail home. I probably should have gotten a DWR(drunk while riding)ticket. I am fortunate that, A)I can't really remember it.B)I didn't crash. C)I was able to actually make it home!
And, I am paying dearly for it today.
Lord help me!

Oh, and BTW....

I was very pleased yesterday when riding down Northern Lights, the traffic was backed up from Lk Otis to Latouche... I reveled in the thought that all those people idling in traffic were just waisting money.. While, I, the lowly biker was spending no money what so ever AND getting to my destination faster than a speeding bullet.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA
Take THAT, MAN!

For the love of God people!!!!

Why the fuck is it that when people are turning on a one way street do they only look one way????
I'm gonna take all you cock suckers to school right now.
When, let's say, your turning right onto a one way street, please, for the sake of all that is holy in this god forsaken world, take one fucking second to turn your stinken beady little eyes to the left. Look down the walk way. Look for, Oh, I don't know?, possibly the random pedestrian, or maybe, just maybe, a fucking biker!!!!!
I can't tell you how many times yesterday I had to come to a screeching halt when some stupid mother of a bastard decided that they just weren't far enough in the cross walk to see the on coming traffic.
I am currently making, FUCK OFF & DIE stickers.
The next time I have to pass a car that has not taken the time to either look the other way, or is all the way in the cross walk, (forcing me to ride in the street into on coming traffic...) I swear, You will end up with one of those stickers on your hood.

I fought the dragon and now he is DEAD!

We did it!!!!! We made it to Eagle River. It was a very beautiful ride. The smells, the sights, everything was alive. I saw creeks that I did not know existed and passed a river that I never knew the view was so freakin amazing.

I am high on the beauty and accomplishment that I achieved today.

While all of this was amazing, I will not lie and say that it was an easy feat, oh no no no. I fought demons and dragons while I rode. Nasty mean fire breathing nay sayers. I fought them with every push of my peddles, and every breath that I inhaled. These demons and dragons that I speak of are the ones that are in my weee brain piece.

Ten miles with no stop lights or good excuses to rest is a long time to be trapped in your head. At one point in particular on a very long stretch of trail, I fought a long and trying battle with these mean mother fuckers! They said stop and I yelled NOOOOOOO!! After the trail changed and they could no longer fight, I knew that I had won the battle!

I am mighty and unrelenting! Oh , and I have a sweet ass!

I fought demons and dragons today and won! What the hell am I going to do tomorrow to top today?

Today is the day.

I woke up this morning with all the hope in the world. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, my cats were purring.
As I sit here drinking coffee and contemplating my life, I am forced to
re-evaluate and really try to consider what the hell I'm doing. Like, maybe I shouldn't drink so much. Maybe I shouldn't smoke so much weed. Maybe I should treat people better. Maybe I should just be a better person in general. What is the meaning of life, and how do I achieve it?
(Where the hell am I going with this?)
Well, I would like to just take a moment and say to everyone:
Today is the day!
I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I'm going to walk a new walk.
This is the new me! I'm going to start looking at the bright side of things.
I'm gonna quit bitchin' and start livin. No longer will I take things for granted, I am ready to start appreciating the finer points of life.
From now on I will stop and smell the roses.
My cup will be overflowing with goodness and everyone around me is going to reap the benefits.
Now,isn't that inspirational? .

While I'm at it....I'd like to say that the trek to work and back has become lack luster, and just like me, we have been longing for something more.
We want change.
So, DANGER GIRL and I have decided to torture our bodies even further.
We are embarking on a journey today. A journey that is going to take us over the top.(A 10 mile journey to be precise, From Anchoragua to Eagle River. 10 miles!!!!)
and, I'm pretty sure this will satisfy all of our wants and desires. It is going to open our minds and steam clean our souls. We will be changed forever after this.
Say good bye to me now, cause this is your last chance.
After today you probably won't recognise me. I'll be on top of the mountain and it's gonna be real hard to get me off.

I actually think I'm starting to transform already.



.

These are the skinny years!!!!!!

Well today is the end of week four!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a ride it has been. You know you have something good when all you can think of is darn, only 2 months left.

Today, I rode with determination. I made it up the last evil hill, and as I crested I yelled, "Fuck you little, kick my ass hill!!!" .

The sweat has seemed to lessen some what.

As SIDEKICK and I ride we have come to point that we can actually converse. (4 weeks ago this was not possible) Some of the things that we talk about are, how much we drank the night before, our significant others, and anything of gossip worthiness. I have come enjoy the conversations as well as the time that I get alone to think to myself.
It's wonderful to experience, so much in just 30 minutes before and after work.

I would like to take a moment to give a shout out to those people in their cars that do respect the biker. Hey man, thanks for giving me the Brake!!!!

SIDEKICK has pointed out that these will be our "skinny years".
I am very excited about this. I find that my partner has come into her own.
We laugh in the face of obesity and overall unfitness.

We are charged with a fire that burns so hot that the MAN can not touch us!
And, To the people that challenge us in the cross walk, may you find your bacon soon and slow the fuck down.

Things that would make my ride smoother.

Less assholes driving on the road.
Sunny weather w/ the occasional warm breeze.
Groomed trails.
A dildo on my seat.
Having a few beers in me.
Having the lung capacity of a dolphin.
GInormOus thighs (I AM working on it people!)
Listening to music.
Knowing every cuss word, in every language.
Wicking clothes
biking gloves
Awesome goggles!
Someone running along beside me, cheering me on.



Hmmm.... I'm running dry.

I'm open to more suggestions. Any one have anything?

Baby got Back

Something amazing has happened! I thought that my ass would shrink, however that is not the case. Being that I am slight of ass to begin with ,I am overjoyed to report that I am the proud owner of a sweet Pa Donka Donk.

I have become obsessed with my ass. I find myself rubbing it without awareness. I am always looking in the mirror at it, and other wise walking around in circles trying to catch a mere glimpse of my sweet ass! I think I should get a rear view mirror just so that I can admire it at all times!

In another week or two I should be able to crush coal with my sweet ass and produce diamonds! Then I will sell said diamonds on the black market (don't want to have to share with the MAN) and spend the money on male prostitutes to admire my sweet ass.

Little pink bell R.I.P.

Well, this last week I finally acquired a bike bell. It was super sweet, pink, and the one day I was able to use it, proved to be a valuable tool for not only myself but several pedestrians who could have very well been run over in my haste to meet my auntie and husband for a beer.
However, my bike bells life was very short lived. Less than 24 hours to be precise.
Riding like a banshee, down hill, ringing my bell and singing along to the music in my head, I turned a corner and ran smack dab into a loose pile of gravel and concrete (U.A.A. drive, the immediate right after King Career center. BEWARE!).
Despite all of my efforts to slow down, my tires slipped from beneath me and down I went.
Now, I must comment here that all of ones life you hear little phrases that at one point or another you come to understand with clarity, such as, "the bigger they are, the harder they fall." I'm not the biggest girl on the planet but I don't remember it hurting to fall down as much when I was 6.
Needless to say, I ate copious amounts of shit on my fall. (Hopefully documentation of my wounds will be posted soon).
Luckily, I was wearing a helmet that the visor sheered off of but protected my wee noggin and kept my face intact.
I thought I had broken my arm but alas, after laying on the embankment and breathing through the pain I realized I could in fact move all parts of myself and all parts were still attached to me.
My beautiful little bell did not, I am sad to say, fare quite so well. It was destroyed.
So, today will be my first day back on my bike since my wretched experience (I've been walking a lot) and my first stop will be to the Bike Shop where I shall do my best to procure yet another bell to replace the one that I'm sure in some way helped to cushion my great fall and save me from further harm. Thanks little bell! (and helmet too!!!)

Just setting the record straight.

When ever I sit down to blog, my brain seems to temporarily fall out of my head. All that schooling I've had is for not, and I forget how to add. (NO, it's not due to the copious amounts of alcohol I consume!)
Or, maybe, just maybe in my haste to stick it to the MAN I tend to embellish..... Either way.
Here are the most current and accurate numbers.....
DAY: 13
RIDES:25 (26 by tonight)
MILES:130
MY BIKE: Still Sweet
MY THIGHS: Still Burning/Bulging
MY ASS: Callused and unfeeling (like my heart, muha ha ha ha)
MY BODY: Very Sweaty
MY MIND: More determined than ever

Therefore, I would like to extend an apology....To everyone that I have mislead by bragging about how far and how many times I've jumped on my bike and ridden.
I promise from now on to make a good faith effort to log everything with unerring honesty...
No more exaggeration. I swear!
(Well............ maybe just a little here and there)

Reflections of Fat Camp.

Well, it's Friday morning and I have now successfully ridden my bike to work and back 24 times. I would also like to add that along with this, we have a VERY intensive walk every day at lunch. I can feel the muscles swelling in my thighs. I'm hoping to soon be able to crush someone with them.
I have this vision of a svelte me, (glistening in the sun, of course) cruising down the road on my sweet bike, my glorious hair streaming in the wind, causing accidents cause my muscles are bulging and everyone wants to take a gander.... I know it may sound extreme, but really, I can totally imagine it, can't you?

Here! Here!

Yeah! Fuck you to the Man!
I don't think my thighs will ever not be sore again! But in the agony of my pain I revel in the knowledge that I'm sticking it to the corrupt mother fuckers that think they can force me to pay, oh, what is it now, $4.20 a gallon?
Yeah, my bike goes everywhere a car can and gues what? Bike rage is far more satisfying than road rage! Haaa! Haaa! Haaaaa!

It's the small things......

I just wanted have a little celebration today. I was finally able to successfully make it up all the hills on our journey and I didn't even have to stop once. Even on that last hill that makes me feel as if my heart will burst from my chest leaving me lying on the trail.. Blood and heart juice everywhere.
But, I DID IT!!!!!Whoo Hooo!
I would also like to give a little shout out to DANGER GIRL~ I appreciate you banning me from my 10x's too big BO BO pants. (I should have burned them long ago.)

And, OH yEah!!! It's official. I have my Biking Ass! At last!

I would like you all to take a moment and imagine DANGER GIRL and I clinking our glasses and sipping on some champagne.

Burn Baby Burn!

Well what a day , what a day. Thank you, Mr. Trash man that almost ran us over and sent my pulse rate thru the roof. And, Mr. Dick Head that stopped in the cross walk and sent us rolling into 5 lanes of traffic. To you guys, I raise my hat and thank you for keeping it real. Also, on a small note, thank you to my riding partner for almost giving me a heart attack when you sounded the air horn as I was approaching from behind.

For those of you that think you can not do this I would like to say , if I can do it so can you! It has nothing to do with the size of your ass, or what you think you can do , it is about sticking it to The Man! Ride around the block , go to the liquor store , do one thing each day that says Fuck You MAN! Each day my muscles ache and I say oh Fuck, I am reminded that this is the life. Live it to the fullest! Burn baby burn!

Booty Booty Booty, Rockit Everywhere!

Here is Monk1aks' booty.. Just for posterity.

Call me Danger Girl!!!

Well today we are back at it. Fat boot camp. I have decided that I like the life of danger. Dodging cars , avoiding large holes in the trail, and yelling loudly at people as they try to kill me . Escaping death on a daily basis is fucking awesome!!!!
I would like to apologize to the lady on Minnesota that I called a bitch. You probably are not a bitch . Although, you must consider...When facing your own demise strange and mean words come falling out of your mouth. I did however find great satisfaction in the look of terror on your face as you almost brought us to our everlasting glory!
From here on out I would like to be known as, DANGER GIRL! Risking my life, my extra pounds, and my sweet disposition all so that I can stick it to THE MAN!

A Special Note:

To the guy this morning that thought it was real funny to pretend to go and rev his engine right while I was peddling my ass off in front of his gas guzzling black truck. (through the busiest intersection we travel). I really did mean it when I yelled, "I will fucking KILL YOU!"
That, Sir, WAS NOT in fact funny. Also, considering that my bike rage possibly exceeds that of a large angry MONSTER, (think Godzilla rampaging through Japan) You had better fuckin watch out! Cause next time I might actually do it.

*Oh, and BTW, I also wanted to add that your screeching tires and reaching 60mph in 2 seconds flat the moment we successfully made it past your bumper, TOTALLY got me wet! I might just reconsider killing you and want a date.
Look for me tomorrow morning!

Fast food parking lots

I am convinced even further, after riding my bike for the last three weeks, that McDonald's is evil. Not only has this fast food conglomerant attributed to the fattest nation in the world, it, in my opinion, is contributing to stupidity as well.
It seems as if every time I am approaching the golden arches parking lot there is a desperate scurry for the cars turning in to race, screech their wheels, and ultimately at all costs to others, get in before someone else does! I, the lowly biker apparently pose a great threat to those wishing for saturated fats and processed meats because even after being seen, these people cannot wait the few seconds it would take for me to pass the entrance. On more than a few occasions I have had to come to an abrupt stop to keep from meeting my demise by one of these french fry lusting monkeys!
NOW, let's talk about the drivers leaving the lot. Apparently, once the steamy hot little red, golden, and white bags are in the grubby little fists of the fast food consumer, hot fries shoved lustily in their mouths, cheeks bulging with crispy apple pie, these folks have reached such a state of euphoria that all else in the world fades. There are no sounds, vision grows dim, and there is only the wonderful sensation of the heart pumping blood to the stomach in order to start processing the fat laden delights that have just entered the system. Perhaps it's the preoccupation with licking the salt off of their lips, or scrambling to unwrap the straw in order to wash it all down with an effervescent thirst quencher. I don't know. Either way, the people leaving the lot are far more dangerous than those vying to get in.
No matter how you look at it, that particular food establishment does something to people to make them momentarily loose their minds and at all costs, I believe it should be avoided.

Lets ride!

Well today makes it 8 days , 16 rides and 160 miles!!!!!!!!!! Yeah for us. Since this is my first time writing , I would like to review what the last few rides have been like. The first day I was over joyed at the fact that I actually did it. I had to walk up a few hills and was breathing heavy for most of the day. The first ride is the hardest.
About day two I was accosted by a crack head Mexican. I now will be carrying a large copper wire whip . (Thanks to the cute electrician I know) So watch out crackhead if I encounter you again I may whip you silly.
I suffer from a severe case of Bike Rage! If one more person, almost runs me over in the cross walk , because they are talking on their cell phone and not paying attention, may the Gods help me I will punch in their window , snatch the phone from their ear and kindly shove it up their ass. After I see the tortured look of pain on their face I will throw my bike on their car and kick their tires. Phew so much rage!
Well that will be all for now. Until the next ride , may you be inspired!

Help! I'm Homeless!

I think 13 is our lucky number.. As I saddled up this morning I had to remind myself that, NO.. I do not have my bike ass yet.
Today was the first day that it rained.
And, just in case your wondering.. YES! We still faced the elements. Regardless of the damn weather! THAT is how strong and committed we are! We laugh in the face of rain, snow, sleet, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, AND erupting volcanoes!
This morning we were the fortunate recipients of a SWEET genuine bum sign... Let me tell ya, we took one gander at that sign, (lying open and exposed on the road, just ready for the taking)...... as we whizzed by, and both immediately hit the brakes..
How many times in life do you have the opportunity to happen upon something as precious and rare as this??????? NEVER, I tell ya!
I shoved it in my backpack and rode on.....
Once we got to work, crawled up the stairs and all the preliminary crap was done, I decided that I needed a little siesta under my desk.
Thank goodness EVAC SPECIALIST was there, sign and camera ready!

OK... Here are OUR asses. You see'em. Right? Well, there they are! ~There will be periodic updates on shrinkage, if any~ (I am, however... At best, optimistic about it!)
After stopping off @ WILS' PLACE tonight AND drinking copious amounts of beer, I've finally made it home. I mean, I've just been pining to get home and post a picture of my ass on the inter web! I swear!
Either way, here we be.
Well, while I'm on the subject, I would like to expound upon the thoughts running through my mind today.
First, I would like to say that I have to pay homage to ALL the bikers.... EVERYWHERE.
While we are not the first, nor the last, nor the fittest,..
~Let alone the skinniest.~ We do..
AND, I will have you all know that we are fighting tyranny, oppression, high gas prices, Big government(aka..THE MAN), being fat, stupid people, and the everyday doldrums that life seems to offer us.
Secondly, I would like to say that YES, we are committed.
We are committed to biking everyday. We are committed to yelling and cursing at motorists that are inconsiderate. We are committed to "stickin it to the MAN", (then, of course, bragging about "Stickin it to the MAN")
We are thankful for red lights, and not to mention,the DOWN HILL.. ( I capitalized that for a reason, ~you fat biker girls know what I speak of.......)

And, last but not least, I would like to share my mantras...The ones that I wake up to everyday...That keep me going. That get me out of bed after a night of 3-8 beers, 1-3 Caucasian Gary's, and maybe some (4-6, maybe 8) glasses of wine.. A few shots of Jager.. Then a night cap of Brandy.. (On the rocks, of course!)
Hey, water is good for you!

My Mantras:
"Quarter to 6, get rid of this!" ~ This all said while pointing at my big fat gut.~
and.. Also,
"6:45,trim those thighs!"