HOLY SHIT!

I forgot that this blog was even about biking.. Thanks for keepin' it real F.JIM.

MY HERO.........................

I have been so busy with my run in with the Dodge Ram that I forgot about this picture. Which I am sure the model forgot as well. Sometimes when you have to go you just have to go. Let's salute this fellow biker for baring it all for the love of biking. You...weep..weep..are my hero...sob...sob......................

SIX WEEKS....Can you believe it................

Well, it has been a long 6 weeks since the accident. I am officially out of the cast. Yeah. But in an air splint. I developed Blood Clots (or DVTs for my more weak stomach readers). I have 2 weeks in an air splint, some physical therapy, and 3 more months of taking blood thinners for the DVTs. Oh lucky me.

I am currently fighting with the insurance company. There is a biking rule that states you can not ride on the sidewalk in a business district. Well, in Anchorage we have business districts within residential districts or we have business districts where there is no shoulder and/or the speed limit is higher than regulated for a business district. So the insurance company is trying to pin fault on me. Those Fuckers!!!! Well I got clarification from the MOA. Read below.

Hi Julia, I am so sorry you were hurt, I do hope you are not badly injured and you and your bike are doing well in the recovery process.

I was just speaking with the MOA Traffic Engineer about this very matter this morning. He and I have both had calls recently from insurance companies concerning riding bicycles on sidewalks. I do not believe he has been contacted about your incident, the ones we knew of were on Bragaw, Dimond and Benson.

Title 9, the Municipal code is being changed to be clearer, but Business District is meant to be the Central Business District, which is the area downtown. The code was written many years ago when that was the only business district. It helps to understand the purpose of the law, it was made to reduce conflicts between bicyclists and pedestrians. The code goes on to state that the Municipal Traffic Engineer is authorized to erect signs on any sidewalk prohibiting riding of bicycles. Since this is not downtown and there are no signs, it is fine to ride there. Therefore it is perfectly legal for you to be bicycling on the sidewalk or pathway.

Here is a link to MOA code. Bicycles are 9.38

http://www.municode.com/resources/gateway.asp?pid=12717&sid=2

I know of no logic to absolve automobile drivers – vehicles always yield to peds and bicyclists.

You are welcome to use me as a reference, I would be happy to speak to anyone from your insurance company about this.

The bastards are still fighting me on this. The gal that wrote this email talked to my insurance company today and the feed back was this.

I had the feeling she was hoping to find a written code she would put in a file to really sew thongs up.

I am happy to help. I hope this gets you a brand new bike and you are healed well.

I am going to fight this even if I have to hire an attorney. I will keep everyone posted on the progress. I hope to get the $250 + in damage to my bike repaired soon and get on the horse again.

The MAN will not take me down.

So... I broke my finger, and now I have to clean up the mess...

I think that I've discovered a new way to sustain myself.
A kissing booth!
BTW, My lips are 'pretty much' luscious.
(as those of you that may have had the lucky opportunity to look upon them and can clearly see....)
...My personality pretty much stands up for it self..(We won't even mention my glorious hair..) Besides, SISTER & I have done the market research!!!


***I DID just leave Cordova and was told that the sign (when you leave) used to say:
LADIES, YOU ARE NOW LEAVING CORDOVA!
You are no longer the most beautiful woman in the world.


Regardless,
we all agree, 'for a charitable cause', people will pay.....
let's say, but are not limited to: $100.00 a kiss!!!
(Let me just segue... This was just 'market research'.. We, by 'NO MEANS' smooched any one.....all we did was ask.)
SO,AGAIN, either way.....
This is really good news!

Now, all I have to do is set up a kissing booth in a profitable area!
Oh, and invest in a few more properties...(of course)
Ultimately, I just need to fulfill my dream of becoming the slum lord I was born to be,
but.... until then....

BTW, I learned this on our recent trip to Cordova.
People WILL pay.
As long as it's for a good cause.
YEs.
They will pay.
YES!!!!
AH ha HA ha ha ha...
No.. That was nowhere near the evil laugh I thought it would be.. ... NOPe.
NOT an evil laugh at all.....
Look the other way.
hmmmm......
BTW, I try to pride myself on knowing the difference between...to, two and too....
I've used a lot of them thus far, and I'm spending more time now trying to figure out the proper usage... and, as a result I'm totally slacking on my story...
Sorry.

**For those of you that actually went back and counted... and, evaluated... DON'T JUDGE!**

Well, it's not actually like I have one. but, still.......

A 'story' that is..

I suppose I could talk about 'stuff'.
Wait, I've been drinking again.
Probably a bad idea.
YEPS.
I always rush to the computer the next morning after I've been drunk blogging.
It's kind of a sick obsession I've developed.
I guess it comes w/ the territory.
Blab yer brains out.
Nobody listens.
Hope someone responds. ..
Nobody responds.. Well.. (sometimes.) AND, I want you all (3) to be assured, that, YES..
I DO run to the computer!

Don't you feel special?

It's my therapy.
Why stretch when you can blog????


aHHHhh well.. I suppose to each his own.

I swear!
Actually to tell the truth, I know of at least 3, (Yes, I said 3!!!!) people that read this blog!! I'm so fricken proud of myself!!!!
~PAT~ PAT~
Either way.....
I can't tell you how many blogs I read that BORE me to death!
My only hope.. is to be, at the very least, amusing for my ill placed punctuation and misspellings.
Screw the stories! THAT is all fodder.
Back to my finger...
Oh, wait did I even mention that?



THAT is what I've recently done to make people feel extra sorry for me.
And, please.. If you would like to contribute to my healing process you may make your donations.. to uhhh... OUR KISSING BOOTH, it's for a great cause, I swear!
Just think, You'll be fixing a girls finger...
This particular girl has never known, uhh... 'insurance'!!!
(Yeah! that's the ticket!)
Just think.....You will provide her w/...... a lifetime of 'self sustaining ideas' and, let's call it,..... 'manual labor!!!',
She'll NOW be able to feed herself!
YOU, and only YOU can help this POOR afflicted, invalid.... (Or, as JIM says when she's had a dozen wines or so, "inba~lid" )HA HA HA!
***That can somehow manage to still type...

...............NOTHING!!!!.....

Your donations are greatly appreciated.


Look.
Give me your money.
ALL of it.
I'm gonna call this the, "Modern Day Bank Robbery"
The only real exception is that:
A) I don't really want to explain...~ Splain it to yer selves!!!....~
B) Just give me your money!!!
C) DO IT!!!


Sorry...
I AM drinking wine.

Will you please itch my butt hole? Use your finger.

This morning I have decided to truly commit myself to being an alcoholic.
I woke up, called SISTER and then DANGER GIRL, she informed me that she was, 'waking and baking'.... So, I thought it would be a good time to make myself a Bloody Mary and start blogging.
DANGER GIRL also informed me that summer is the time of perpetual soreness.
Looking at the bruises covering my body, I'm in complete agreement.
Have you ever thought that maybe you should just go back to bed and start over?
I'm kinda thinkin that right now..
Wait, I've got to finish my bloody Mary first.
BTW, apparently if you've got an itchy butt it means that there is A)poop still there... or, B)hemmy's.....
(This is all according to DANGER GIRL.)
She says that if your experiencing this you need to get into the shower and take your scrubby thingy and 'tear it up!'.
It doesn't help them go away, but it certainly helps that 'itchy feeling'. Oh, and BROTHER says you can't go wrong with the prepH..
Now, I want you all to know that I don't have a hemmy... and I'm pretty certain there is no poop there.
I just wanted to give the world a little slice of the early morning conversation pie.
Speaking of which, DANGER GIRL suggested that we go play a little chase ball this afternoon.
In the spirit of O', let's say 'summer' I'm inclined to do it. Anything to make me even more sore, and that may potentially give me more bruises and battering...
Why the hell not?
And, besides, I've been pretty much drunk or high since Thursday so why stop now?
The adventures will ensue!
Now, I just need to dig out my tennis racket and find my balls....
ha ha.. I said, 'balls'.
Damn! Maybe I'll even ride my fricken bike there!
WOW! It's amazing how adventuresome just 1 bloody Mary makes ya feel!
I'm gonna recommend it to all my friends!
Hell!, I may even try a little wakey bakey !
Wait...... I'm getting a little ahead of myself.
I'm really NOT that ambitious...
I mean, I'm an active girl and all, it's just that my TRUE ambition really lies in the fact that I want to be the laziest 'active girl' you'll ever meet.
Is that so wrong?
Or, actually, does that even make sense?

I'm really thinking that I should just stick with my original plan of laying on my deck and studying how to fly airplanes.

The fricken world is my oyster! Bloody Mary. No children. The house is silent.
Oh, and BTW, I'm totally naked writing this!
Aren't you all jealous?

Tell you what.

You bring the beer. I'll provide the deck and the fire. The powers that B will provide the sunshine. We'll flash the train occasionally, watch the planes fly over and have a grand Ol' time!

Is That How You Remember It

Well as SIDEKICK has told, we had a great ride the other night. One that will go down in history as "One of the best rides of my life". However SIDEKICKS telling of the events well is a little inaccurate.

SIDEKICK was convinced that in fact there was a trail to be found if we just went down this road. So after much dilliberating at the stop light I said sure, fuck it lets go. Well no, there was not a trail to be found. Well, not easily, SK says oh these are the condos we pass, so the trail has to be behind them.
Well, me being the doer that I am, I agree to go scout it out. And sure enough what do I see? Bikers! I come back get SK and off we trudge. Much to my dismay I did not see that creek. So like SK says she went first. I was shocked, and left thinking well now I have to go too. So I did, no, the creek was not warm, and the mud on the other side was well, muddy, and sinky and very, very, hard to get out of.

But hey, we did it! So back on our bikes we go peddling with fish bowls in our shoes. We stopped again because SK wanted to have more treats. Now even more buzzed, we decide that we need beer because the cotton mouth is unbearable.

Thank god for Will's Place, it is sooooooo convenient, right on the way to anywhere. Yes 2-3 beers later, and we are outa there.

Along the ride I had been having problems with my seat post holder thinger dinger. Well when get going, the whole thing just busts to a million little pieces. Leaving me to ride all Mexican Gangsta style. Kneeing myself in my lucious lady lumps with every rotation of the peddles!

This just adds to our laughter!

When SK gets her buzz on, nothing and I mean nothing is ever her fault.

That being said when you approching a stop light you have to slow down in order to navigate. Well SK forgets this and is riding balls to the wall, (also not to mention I can hardly see over my handlebars) up my ass and what do you know she slams into my tire. Not once, no not twice, you got it three times! Three fucking times and then falls over! And no, she did not get right up, she lays there screaming I broke my leg, no wait you made me break my leg!

All the while some motorcycle guy is laughing and yelling something at us. Whatever dude!

And we are off again! Only to ride a short distance and see the wonderful display of bum love! If we ever pass out on the trail, SK you can so sleep on my belly!

Bum Love..

Our friends the bums...




Showing us all how everyone should treat one another.
Learn from them people!

Speaking of Dirty Muddy Swamp foot....

Every Thursday our DR brings in Margaritas for an 'end of the week' celebration. It's a nice way to end the day and wind down before hopping on our bikes to head home.
Well, this particular Thursday just happened to earn a page in the chapters of my O'so already rich life.
You see, DANGER GIRL & I decided that the drinks weren't enough. DG had brought some extra 'treats' with her and suggested that before we ride, we take a few puffs. As I explained earlier about my desires to become a pot head, in the genuine pursuit of that hobby, I agreed that it was the right thing to do.
PUFF ***PUFF****
And we were on our way!
Our normal route involves quite a bit of street riding but as we got going there happened to be an ambulance up on the sidewalk. We really couldn't see a way around it with out having to go a long way out of our way.....
*If only we knew then what we know now!*
Needless to say we took 'another' route. Somewhere about, uhhh.... 10 blocks down the way we had the brilliant idea to cut through some condo yards and get back on the bike trail....
DANGER GIRL tells me to, "stay put, and she'll be right back!" She wanders off to check it all out and comes back saying, "oh, yeah! the trail is right down there! Just a few woods to go through and we'll be back on track!"
Me, being the trusting person I am, (although I know now that DG's idea of navigation is quite a bit different from mine) says, "alright! let's go!"
Well, what she failed to mention was that the short jaunt to the bike trail was infested with a shit ton O' brush, stumps, mosquitoes, and What do you know? a fucking creek! Oh, and by the time we had dragged/trudged our way to the fricken creek the mosquitoes were so bad I really had hardly any second thoughts about just heading through it. Shoes, socks, bike and all.
Whoo hoo!!!!
I got through ok, while DANGER GIRL took pictures and laughed.
I am always amazed at the creative way I can cuss when put in the right type of situation.
The creek wasn't so bad actually, kinda warm and soothing. The shitty part was mostly just the last 3ft of mud that you had to wade through to get on the trail.
I did it though! Got up on the trail and fended of the swarms of bugs that had followed me through my forest adventures.
I think, maybe in the back of DANGER GIRLS mind she thought that I might not do it. So, when I told her I would go first and then just plunged in she really had no choice but to do it too.

Back on the trail I felt that my buzz had been severely diminished and my soggy muddy shoes/pants needed a little air time. So, we stopped off for danger girl to pee and partake in the ganja once again.
We also felt that we had totally earned some beers, so once we got to WILL'S PLACE it was a must to throw back a few. *Besides, they have Delirium on tap again and we had stories that needed to be regaled.

2-3 beers later, (can't really remember) we're back on our bikes headed home. Feelin' pretty good about how this ride had shaped up.
care free.
high as a kite.
got my buzz on.
riding.
Until.......Somehow or another DANGER GIRL cuts me off and slams into my front tire. BTW, I totally think she did it on purpose. In her mind she just wanted to laugh and point, AGAIN(which of course she did!) and, she also wanted to make sure that everyone else (yes I saw YOU motorcycle man stopped at the light!) did too.
I mean, I really wasn't dirty and muddy and fucked up enough.
That just sealed the deal.
Oh and BTW, I have discovered that I move the fastest when faced with embarrassment. I was up off the ground yelling,
"I broke my leg!!!" (in FEMALE JIMS honor of course)
it took something like, 2.5 seconds.
Now, that is fast!
Hell, I don't even get my pants off that fast!
Even if I'm really horny!
but, either way.

When I got home I poured a bath, peeled off my (now ripped up)muddy, soaked, covered in dirt pants, my muddy socks, my sticky shirt and basically fell into the tub.

Then SISTER called. I had forgotten that we had made plans to go bowling.
So, with most of the dirt soaked off, I drug myself outta the tub and got dressed.
To make a long story short, we bowled 4 games, drank 3 pitchers of beer and when I woke up the next morning I was VERY grateful to be in my own bed.

Dirty. Muddy. swamp foot.

Listen. I'm trying to become a pot head. I'm also trying to become a better person. Neither one seems to be working out. I tell myself one thing, and then I fall down off my bike and then tell myself something else.
I also decided that I'm becoming an 'active' girl.
I'll have you know that 'active' girls are few and far between.
Here are some signs your dating/fucking an active person.
1)They get up
2)They want to do stuff
3)They have idea's about the 'stuff' they want to do
4)They would rather be doing 'stuff' than actually doing nothing.
**nothing being defined as laying in bed all day... and never fucking.
SO?.. my plans for tomorrow?
get good and stoned.
Yeps....