Can you hand me a towel?

I, have a problem.

I am a sweaty beast.

I sweat any where, everywhere, all over and ALL the time. From the top of my head, the small of my back, to my ass crack, and straight down to the in-betweens of my little baby toes. I can't help it.
Am I going through menopause? Maybe i have an over active. uhhhhh, something??????
It's kinda like blushing. You can't stop it. In fact, i think that I've replaced blushing WITH sweating.

A long long time ago, I can still remember..... when i didn't walk into a store and immediately have to mop my brow, and feel the overwhelming urge to poop. (I mean, the two go hand in hand together right?) Actually, if really I truly think on it, I can't pin point the actual beginning of this whole sweating business.

I think it started out that I'd go somewhere and be a little over dressed, wind up over heating, get all sweaty and gross and have to leave. Then, it progressed to every time I'd be in a weird situation.. ya know, like flirting w. a cute guy, talking to strangers... that sort of thing. Then, I started biking.... Oh Lord help me!!!!
We'd get done w/ a particularly hard ride and I'd be drenched. I have even had to put my clothes over a fan cause they were so soaked in my girl drippings.. (ewwww)

I don't know if I will ever grow used to the sticky icky feeling that accompanies me everywhere I go.

I've been trying to think of solutions to my "little problem", but have yet to really find something good.
Maybe I need to find a little leprechaun to fan me all hours of the day. Or, better yet, a midget!
I'm also toying with the idea of trying to strap a huge fan to my body.....hmmmm..... that's gonna take some ingenuity.
What if I could fly????? I had a dream once that I was sitting on a toilet, flying...... I won't bore you with the details, but that seems like it might be a good way to keep my over active sweat glands in check.
How about if I just go naked? YEs!!!! Boobies flapping in the breeze, totally free.....
OR, I could put my clothes in the fridge before I wear them. Wait, No.. that's just plain silly.

DAMN IT!!!! Why does this have to be so fricken difficult?

so far, I like the flying idea the best. I can picture it now. Me, soaring through the skies... Not a care in the world.... Dry as the that kosher fiber cracker I ate this morning.

HEY!!! I know! I'll get two birds stoned at once and just fly naked!

No more sweating for me!

Skeletor.

Today seems to be the last ride for us.
I called some guy an asshole that almost ran me over... And, I almost ran over some Don Young supporters that wouldn't move the fuck outta my way..
What a way to end it, eh?

AND........The best part of it all..

The reason I know I've actually made it, is that when I was cruisen past our buddies "the bums", one yelled out....
"I wanna be your bike seat!"

Now how often do you get a compliment like that????

You know your lookin good when a bum wants to be your bike seat.

My summer of biking has finally paid off!

Cheers to the last day!

Now excepting your comments!

For the love of BUMS, people if you read this blog and like what you read, please please please leave us a comment!!!!!! We love our blog and hope you do too. But there is no way that we will know this if in you do not leave us a comment!!!!!!!!

Drinking and Bums do NOT mix!

We are down to our last ride. Monday will be the last day that we can ride to work.
Let us take a moment of silence to mourn the end of summer......
Ok, well that is enough of that! Let us look on the bright side of life.

Hummmm I can't think of anything. Can you?


Well I guess the only thing to do is think of happy things. Like oh, I don't know, puppy dogs and pansy's. Yeah that is not working for me either. Somebody please for the love of BUMS, help me!

Thursday was probably the best ride of the year! At the end of the day, the sky opened up and poured monsoon style rains. Well, we had no choice but to wait it out. Thank goodness that our boss rewards us with margaritas at the end of the week!!!! It was a good excuse to have two. How could he say no, what with the rain and all.

Thankfully the rain stopped as the last of our 2nd margarita went down our gullet! Happy as two clams, SIDEKICK and I set out on our trip. We decided to have some treats (wink, wink) along the way and we were even happier. So buzzed and stoned we rode our way along the trail towards home.

We could not have foreseen what would happen next. With out warning my bike made a sharp turn towards Will's place, and WAMMMMM, I hit the building at warp speed, ducked and rolled and landed my ass upon a bar stool right at the beer counter!!! How convenient, Thank god for beer!

SIDEKICK and I had our two beers and what do you know SISTER calls and is on her way. We had to stay, you know obligation and all. So I had one more beer and SIDEKICK had two more (high alcohol) beers, and it was time to go.

Needless to say this ride was even better than the one before.

Untill........

SIDEKICK met a bum upon the trail. And well let us just say she could not ride today because of the swelling and bruising.

Oooops!!!!!

God damn BUMS should know to stay the way out of HOT DRUNK BIKER CHICKS!

Anyways, at least our last few rides have been exciting, nothing like going out with a BANG!

Oh,yeah.... This is what we do when we aren't biking.

Spenard

OH, and BTW, I do live in Spenard..

(This is my sweet new shirt!, juss to prove it!)
Thanks Kimikimkim!

We took the time today...

We thought, just for posterity that we would share our progress thus far. It's not like we're lookin for some type of congratulatory praise or any bull Shiite like that....
but,gorram it!
it sure is good to say that we have done it!!!

For those of you that needed a little reminder.

OK... Here are OUR asses. You see'em. Right? Well, there they are! ~There will be periodic updates on shrinkage, if any~ (I am, however... At best, optimistic about it!)
After stopping off @ WILS' PLACE tonight AND drinking copious amounts of beer, I've finally made it home. I mean, I've just been pining to get home and post a picture of my ass on the inter web! I swear!
Either way, here we be.
Well, while I'm on the subject, I would like to expound upon the thoughts running through my mind today.
First, I would like to say that I have to pay homage to ALL the bikers.... EVERYWHERE.
While we are not the first, nor the last, nor the fittest,..
~Let alone the skinniest.~ We do..
AND, I will have you all know that we are fighting tyranny, oppression, high gas prices, Big government(aka..THE MAN), being fat, stupid people, and the everyday doldrums that life seems to offer us.
Secondly, I would like to say that YES, we are committed.
We are committed to biking everyday. We are committed to yelling and cursing at motorists that are inconsiderate. We are committed to "stickin it to the MAN", (then, of course, bragging about "Stickin it to the MAN")
We are thankful for red lights, and not to mention,the DOWN HILL.. ( I capitalized that for a reason, ~you fat biker girls know what I speak of.......)

And, last but not least, I would like to share my mantras...The ones that I wake up to everyday...That keep me going. That get me out of bed after a night of 3-8 beers, 1-3 Caucasian Gary's, and maybe some (4-6, maybe 8) glasses of wine.. A few shots of Jager.. Then a night cap of Brandy.. (On the rocks, of course!)
Hey, water is good for you!

My Mantras:
"Quarter to 6, get rid of this!" ~ This all said while pointing at my big fat gut.~
and.. Also,
"6:45,trim those thighs!"

The last dregs........

The end is near!!!! Lord help us all!!!

What with school starting and MINI ME needing a ride everyday it really is gonna put the kibosh on biking. Not to mention the impending cold weather and snow. Shit.
I'm really going to miss making fun of all those people in their tin cans driving to work. I'm also going to miss my padded wallet. I estimate that over the summer I have probably saved approximately $1200.00 in gas. Now, THAT is sticken it to the man, if I do say so myself!!
I will now have to resign myself to driving in traffic once again. UUUUGggghh...
I DON'T want to do it!!!!!
Why can't global warming speed up? Just wait, it'll finally happen when I'm so old and decrepit that I can't even entertain thoughts of riding a bike. By then I'll be too busy shitting my pants and telling the same stories over and over and over again...
Mark my words people.

I've have been comforting myself with FEMALE JIM'S stories of the gym. I have visions of emerging from winter, muscle bound and completely svelte. Of course that was supposed to happen at the end of a summer of biking. Unfortunately for me I just can't quit eating and drinking copious amounts of beer.
I wish I had the discipline to extricate all of the vises I so dearly hold on too..

Ahh well.. I am what I am.

MY LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD, MINI ME and myself are heading off to Seattle to celebrate MLBRC's 18Th Bday. We will spend time tooling around Seattle and then we will party it up @ Bumbershoot! OTHER BROTHER, COOOLEEN, and SISTER will be joining us later in the week. WHoo HOO!!!!

I will leave this (lately somewhat neglected) blog in the hands of DANGER GIRL. She will have to regale you all with stories of drunken biking and bum sightings.

I trust she will do us all proud.

Until then,
SOME OFFICE GUYS SIDE KICK

So Sad

Whelp, we are down to our last few rides. This my friends makes me very sad. This means that I have to return to my regularly scheduled household chores. This SUCKS!!!!!!

It seems that SIDEKICK and I each feel this impending doom, and are pushing ourselves to our breaking point. On Tuesday my riding partner overslept, fortunately SISTER made it. However she only rides half of the ride with us before she has to go her own direction.

This left me to my own jumbled conversations in my head. Yep, I now can confirm that I am indeed crazy! (shut up! I know what you are thinking!)

On my ride home I was racing SIDEKICK, her in her car and I on my bike. Well she won.

Of course!

However, I made a valiant effort at keeping up. I pushed myself to new levels, and traveled at new speeds.

We met up at Will's place for our Tuesday night ritual of drinking beer, and planning to save the world.
Why is beer so damn good, and the world so fucked up?! Four beers later, I am back on my bike, and going for the gold! I found that you can ride so fast that you are not really sitting on the seat. Rather just levitating slightly above it. Wow that was cool!

So on Wednesday, SIDEKICK decides to punish me for riding without her. (I still hateses you!) My legs were feeling like lead weights, and remember I drank alot of beer. Sooooooo I was not up to my usual riding self.
Not only did we ride like the wind, but we also took the extra long way as well. (again I still have mad feelings at you) Today we took a new trail, and faced headwinds so strong, I am sure a jet could not of flown straight.

For the weekend, I am planning a long ride. FEMALE JIM has agreed to bless us with her presence. (Maybe I can try to kill her again. Think Kenny from Southpark) Hopefully her cute boyfriend can fix up her gently used bike. (wink, wink)

Tomorrow is Friday, and once again I am sneaking another bike ride. I will however be getting paid to go to work . (This week!)

Bum Signs

We found this sweet sign today.
I'll be curious to see that tattoo when it's done.

We are thinking about starting a bum sign company.
We'll supply them with signs and bum clothes. It'll be awesome!


Oh yeah.... God Bless

My helmet just keeps getting better and better.

Bananas for everyone!

Totally off the subject..
I was the victim of a random banana attack yesterday.
(Actually, it was a banana peel to be precise.)

There DANGER GIRL and I were waiting patiently for our walk sign when a little white car came careening around the corner. The driver of said car took one look at me and threw his banana peel. He didn't quite hit me, but I know for a fact he was aiming for me. (Call it a sneakin suspicion)
First, I find it very coincidental considering my freakish fascination with bananas..
(For those of you that know me, you know what I speak of.....)
Secondly, I think that maybe this is my long lost soul mate.
I mean, really?
A banana? Really???? What prompted that?
My only thought is that I must be banana worthy.
Now THAT is saying something.

I really didn't realize this before now, but not many people are banana worthy.

I AM!

I don't know if this is some kind of weird sexual banana throwing fetish or something but I just wanted to thank the driver of that little car.
You sir made my day, and if you see me on the trail again please feel free to throw as many bananas peels as you would like.

And, for the rest of you...

Watch out!

DANGER GIRL gave F.JIM a bike, then tried to kill her.

Here's a comment for the latest blog. I need a cool job where you surf porn and blog while working. Do you have any openings there?

Dear Danger Girl,
I just wanted to say thank you for the "Gently used" Bicycle that you handed down to me. I was so excited about getting out on the open road and peddling my heart out.
I was equally excited about taking my new found toy out for a spin with you and SOGSK on Saturday. The first part of the ride I spent peddling and peddling without any results until I finally figured out the gears. Afterwards I was ready to fly.
Of course I didn't realize that my new toy would soon become the Death Machine and I would literally be flying down a hill. All the while behind me I hear you saying, "Don't panic. Use your back break, Your okay."
WTF.????
I am certainly not okay. What back break? There are no brakes at all. If there were I would have surely used them instead of choosing to plunge to my death. I do want to thank you however for making me a believer in helmets.
Safety before beauty.
I also want to thank you for reminding me of a song from Willy Wonka that I recalled while I was finding my escape from what could have been a blood bath.

Round the world and home again
That's the sailor's way
Faster faster, faster faster

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a–blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a–glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing



Sincerely,

Female Jim

Sorry Jim

I have lately come to realize that I, DANGER GIRL, have a sick, sick, sick, addiction! (well ok, maybe more than one) No, I am not talking about my love of alcoholic beverages, or making sure that the labels face out on my canned goods. Oh no, no, no, this my friends is much BIGGER than that!

BIKING!!!!!

If I am not thinking about booze, I am thinking about my next ride!

So lately SIDEKICK, and I have been making up things to do so that we can ride our bikes. I have been even going into work on Fridays. And,what is really sick is that I do not even get paid to be there!

I know that many of you have been wondering what I did with my crappy bicycle after I got the new one.
Weeeelllll, I did what any good bicycle lover would do. I gave it to a friend that did not have one. One that did not ride enough to know what a piece of shit the bike really is.
Wasn't that nice of me!??

So on Saturday we all get together to ride our bikes over to this artsy fartsy party that we are bar tending for. Well, when I gave the bike to FEMALE JIM, I forgot to tell her some pretty important stuff about how the bike currently operated.
Nothing too major, only the fact that EVERY time you go to ride you have to check the brakes.
**Sometimes the front brake thinger dinger comes undone. (no big deal, really!!) Like I said, nothing major.

UNLESS........Of Course...

You are going down a very steep treacherous hill and you have decided for fashion purposes NOT to wear your helmet.
As FEMALE JIM and I begin our descent down this very steep and treacherous hill , FJ yells to me that she does not have any brakes, I calmly yell back "Don't Panic!" I tell her this a few more times, (as if this is going to help her navigate the situation better.)
Luckily for FJ she is a fast thinker. With her hair blowing wildly, and her cheeks flapping, (because her mouth was wide open in terror and I'm also pretty sure she was going faster than the speed of light!)she spied her escape!
A small dirt hill and some railroad tracks.

I also need to mention that there are people and cars everywhere and we are supposed to make a sharp right at the bottom!



Needless to say, my ass still hurts from the chewing out she gave me. It did not help that I was laughing hysterically. (of course not until I new that she was safe)

Gosh, some people are just so ungrateful!

Ring my bell!

It's been a while since I last wrote anything.
So slorry faithful readers!

We have been riding all over gods green creation. Everyday.
It's been fairly nice out and we haven't been rained on in like, 6 days!!!
(knock on wood)
When we started out this Monday we both were feeling pretty shitty. The events of the weekend apparently had caught up with us and (because we are psychically linked) we both were coming down w/ the crud.
Well....It's Wednesday and we are living proof that you can exercise a cold right out of your system. We sweat so much that no virus has a chance in hell of surviving!
AH ha ha ha ha hA!!!!

Other than that, nothing has really been happening. I mean beyond the normal avoiding death at every intersection and such. Oh yeah, and DANGER GIRL took my bike into the shop this weekend to replace a couple of parts and now it rides like a dream again. Whoo HooOo!

Life has actually been pretty boring. I keep trying to think up something fun to write about but, Nope...
I suck.
My mind is in a vortex currently. I just finished a really great book and am trying to read up on the ballot measures for the upcoming election. I know!!! Exciting eh?
I got really stoned last night and resolved that I needed to become a politician.
Yeah Right!!...
Then I woke up this morning and decided that I had far too many skeletons in my closet for that sort of thing. I mean shit! THAT could get ugly. Maybe I'll just have to content myself with trying to influence those around me to vote the way I want them too....

Well.. N E Whoo... Just thought I'd touch base and assure everyone that we are not lying on the trail somewhere having been mauled by a bear or something of that nature.
We're still goin strong. We're still Sticken it to the man, and YES
we are still awesome biker babes.
And, if you happen to see us on the trail, please, for the love of GOD, honk and whistle!