I fought the dragon and now he is DEAD!

We did it!!!!! We made it to Eagle River. It was a very beautiful ride. The smells, the sights, everything was alive. I saw creeks that I did not know existed and passed a river that I never knew the view was so freakin amazing.

I am high on the beauty and accomplishment that I achieved today.

While all of this was amazing, I will not lie and say that it was an easy feat, oh no no no. I fought demons and dragons while I rode. Nasty mean fire breathing nay sayers. I fought them with every push of my peddles, and every breath that I inhaled. These demons and dragons that I speak of are the ones that are in my weee brain piece.

Ten miles with no stop lights or good excuses to rest is a long time to be trapped in your head. At one point in particular on a very long stretch of trail, I fought a long and trying battle with these mean mother fuckers! They said stop and I yelled NOOOOOOO!! After the trail changed and they could no longer fight, I knew that I had won the battle!

I am mighty and unrelenting! Oh , and I have a sweet ass!

I fought demons and dragons today and won! What the hell am I going to do tomorrow to top today?

Today is the day.

I woke up this morning with all the hope in the world. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, my cats were purring.
As I sit here drinking coffee and contemplating my life, I am forced to
re-evaluate and really try to consider what the hell I'm doing. Like, maybe I shouldn't drink so much. Maybe I shouldn't smoke so much weed. Maybe I should treat people better. Maybe I should just be a better person in general. What is the meaning of life, and how do I achieve it?
(Where the hell am I going with this?)
Well, I would like to just take a moment and say to everyone:
Today is the day!
I've decided to turn over a new leaf. I'm going to walk a new walk.
This is the new me! I'm going to start looking at the bright side of things.
I'm gonna quit bitchin' and start livin. No longer will I take things for granted, I am ready to start appreciating the finer points of life.
From now on I will stop and smell the roses.
My cup will be overflowing with goodness and everyone around me is going to reap the benefits.
Now,isn't that inspirational? .

While I'm at it....I'd like to say that the trek to work and back has become lack luster, and just like me, we have been longing for something more.
We want change.
So, DANGER GIRL and I have decided to torture our bodies even further.
We are embarking on a journey today. A journey that is going to take us over the top.(A 10 mile journey to be precise, From Anchoragua to Eagle River. 10 miles!!!!)
and, I'm pretty sure this will satisfy all of our wants and desires. It is going to open our minds and steam clean our souls. We will be changed forever after this.
Say good bye to me now, cause this is your last chance.
After today you probably won't recognise me. I'll be on top of the mountain and it's gonna be real hard to get me off.

I actually think I'm starting to transform already.



.

These are the skinny years!!!!!!

Well today is the end of week four!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a ride it has been. You know you have something good when all you can think of is darn, only 2 months left.

Today, I rode with determination. I made it up the last evil hill, and as I crested I yelled, "Fuck you little, kick my ass hill!!!" .

The sweat has seemed to lessen some what.

As SIDEKICK and I ride we have come to point that we can actually converse. (4 weeks ago this was not possible) Some of the things that we talk about are, how much we drank the night before, our significant others, and anything of gossip worthiness. I have come enjoy the conversations as well as the time that I get alone to think to myself.
It's wonderful to experience, so much in just 30 minutes before and after work.

I would like to take a moment to give a shout out to those people in their cars that do respect the biker. Hey man, thanks for giving me the Brake!!!!

SIDEKICK has pointed out that these will be our "skinny years".
I am very excited about this. I find that my partner has come into her own.
We laugh in the face of obesity and overall unfitness.

We are charged with a fire that burns so hot that the MAN can not touch us!
And, To the people that challenge us in the cross walk, may you find your bacon soon and slow the fuck down.

Things that would make my ride smoother.

Less assholes driving on the road.
Sunny weather w/ the occasional warm breeze.
Groomed trails.
A dildo on my seat.
Having a few beers in me.
Having the lung capacity of a dolphin.
GInormOus thighs (I AM working on it people!)
Listening to music.
Knowing every cuss word, in every language.
Wicking clothes
biking gloves
Awesome goggles!
Someone running along beside me, cheering me on.



Hmmm.... I'm running dry.

I'm open to more suggestions. Any one have anything?

Baby got Back

Something amazing has happened! I thought that my ass would shrink, however that is not the case. Being that I am slight of ass to begin with ,I am overjoyed to report that I am the proud owner of a sweet Pa Donka Donk.

I have become obsessed with my ass. I find myself rubbing it without awareness. I am always looking in the mirror at it, and other wise walking around in circles trying to catch a mere glimpse of my sweet ass! I think I should get a rear view mirror just so that I can admire it at all times!

In another week or two I should be able to crush coal with my sweet ass and produce diamonds! Then I will sell said diamonds on the black market (don't want to have to share with the MAN) and spend the money on male prostitutes to admire my sweet ass.

Little pink bell R.I.P.

Well, this last week I finally acquired a bike bell. It was super sweet, pink, and the one day I was able to use it, proved to be a valuable tool for not only myself but several pedestrians who could have very well been run over in my haste to meet my auntie and husband for a beer.
However, my bike bells life was very short lived. Less than 24 hours to be precise.
Riding like a banshee, down hill, ringing my bell and singing along to the music in my head, I turned a corner and ran smack dab into a loose pile of gravel and concrete (U.A.A. drive, the immediate right after King Career center. BEWARE!).
Despite all of my efforts to slow down, my tires slipped from beneath me and down I went.
Now, I must comment here that all of ones life you hear little phrases that at one point or another you come to understand with clarity, such as, "the bigger they are, the harder they fall." I'm not the biggest girl on the planet but I don't remember it hurting to fall down as much when I was 6.
Needless to say, I ate copious amounts of shit on my fall. (Hopefully documentation of my wounds will be posted soon).
Luckily, I was wearing a helmet that the visor sheered off of but protected my wee noggin and kept my face intact.
I thought I had broken my arm but alas, after laying on the embankment and breathing through the pain I realized I could in fact move all parts of myself and all parts were still attached to me.
My beautiful little bell did not, I am sad to say, fare quite so well. It was destroyed.
So, today will be my first day back on my bike since my wretched experience (I've been walking a lot) and my first stop will be to the Bike Shop where I shall do my best to procure yet another bell to replace the one that I'm sure in some way helped to cushion my great fall and save me from further harm. Thanks little bell! (and helmet too!!!)

Just setting the record straight.

When ever I sit down to blog, my brain seems to temporarily fall out of my head. All that schooling I've had is for not, and I forget how to add. (NO, it's not due to the copious amounts of alcohol I consume!)
Or, maybe, just maybe in my haste to stick it to the MAN I tend to embellish..... Either way.
Here are the most current and accurate numbers.....
DAY: 13
RIDES:25 (26 by tonight)
MILES:130
MY BIKE: Still Sweet
MY THIGHS: Still Burning/Bulging
MY ASS: Callused and unfeeling (like my heart, muha ha ha ha)
MY BODY: Very Sweaty
MY MIND: More determined than ever

Therefore, I would like to extend an apology....To everyone that I have mislead by bragging about how far and how many times I've jumped on my bike and ridden.
I promise from now on to make a good faith effort to log everything with unerring honesty...
No more exaggeration. I swear!
(Well............ maybe just a little here and there)

Reflections of Fat Camp.

Well, it's Friday morning and I have now successfully ridden my bike to work and back 24 times. I would also like to add that along with this, we have a VERY intensive walk every day at lunch. I can feel the muscles swelling in my thighs. I'm hoping to soon be able to crush someone with them.
I have this vision of a svelte me, (glistening in the sun, of course) cruising down the road on my sweet bike, my glorious hair streaming in the wind, causing accidents cause my muscles are bulging and everyone wants to take a gander.... I know it may sound extreme, but really, I can totally imagine it, can't you?

Here! Here!

Yeah! Fuck you to the Man!
I don't think my thighs will ever not be sore again! But in the agony of my pain I revel in the knowledge that I'm sticking it to the corrupt mother fuckers that think they can force me to pay, oh, what is it now, $4.20 a gallon?
Yeah, my bike goes everywhere a car can and gues what? Bike rage is far more satisfying than road rage! Haaa! Haaa! Haaaaa!

It's the small things......

I just wanted have a little celebration today. I was finally able to successfully make it up all the hills on our journey and I didn't even have to stop once. Even on that last hill that makes me feel as if my heart will burst from my chest leaving me lying on the trail.. Blood and heart juice everywhere.
But, I DID IT!!!!!Whoo Hooo!
I would also like to give a little shout out to DANGER GIRL~ I appreciate you banning me from my 10x's too big BO BO pants. (I should have burned them long ago.)

And, OH yEah!!! It's official. I have my Biking Ass! At last!

I would like you all to take a moment and imagine DANGER GIRL and I clinking our glasses and sipping on some champagne.

Burn Baby Burn!

Well what a day , what a day. Thank you, Mr. Trash man that almost ran us over and sent my pulse rate thru the roof. And, Mr. Dick Head that stopped in the cross walk and sent us rolling into 5 lanes of traffic. To you guys, I raise my hat and thank you for keeping it real. Also, on a small note, thank you to my riding partner for almost giving me a heart attack when you sounded the air horn as I was approaching from behind.

For those of you that think you can not do this I would like to say , if I can do it so can you! It has nothing to do with the size of your ass, or what you think you can do , it is about sticking it to The Man! Ride around the block , go to the liquor store , do one thing each day that says Fuck You MAN! Each day my muscles ache and I say oh Fuck, I am reminded that this is the life. Live it to the fullest! Burn baby burn!

Booty Booty Booty, Rockit Everywhere!

Here is Monk1aks' booty.. Just for posterity.

Call me Danger Girl!!!

Well today we are back at it. Fat boot camp. I have decided that I like the life of danger. Dodging cars , avoiding large holes in the trail, and yelling loudly at people as they try to kill me . Escaping death on a daily basis is fucking awesome!!!!
I would like to apologize to the lady on Minnesota that I called a bitch. You probably are not a bitch . Although, you must consider...When facing your own demise strange and mean words come falling out of your mouth. I did however find great satisfaction in the look of terror on your face as you almost brought us to our everlasting glory!
From here on out I would like to be known as, DANGER GIRL! Risking my life, my extra pounds, and my sweet disposition all so that I can stick it to THE MAN!

A Special Note:

To the guy this morning that thought it was real funny to pretend to go and rev his engine right while I was peddling my ass off in front of his gas guzzling black truck. (through the busiest intersection we travel). I really did mean it when I yelled, "I will fucking KILL YOU!"
That, Sir, WAS NOT in fact funny. Also, considering that my bike rage possibly exceeds that of a large angry MONSTER, (think Godzilla rampaging through Japan) You had better fuckin watch out! Cause next time I might actually do it.

*Oh, and BTW, I also wanted to add that your screeching tires and reaching 60mph in 2 seconds flat the moment we successfully made it past your bumper, TOTALLY got me wet! I might just reconsider killing you and want a date.
Look for me tomorrow morning!

Fast food parking lots

I am convinced even further, after riding my bike for the last three weeks, that McDonald's is evil. Not only has this fast food conglomerant attributed to the fattest nation in the world, it, in my opinion, is contributing to stupidity as well.
It seems as if every time I am approaching the golden arches parking lot there is a desperate scurry for the cars turning in to race, screech their wheels, and ultimately at all costs to others, get in before someone else does! I, the lowly biker apparently pose a great threat to those wishing for saturated fats and processed meats because even after being seen, these people cannot wait the few seconds it would take for me to pass the entrance. On more than a few occasions I have had to come to an abrupt stop to keep from meeting my demise by one of these french fry lusting monkeys!
NOW, let's talk about the drivers leaving the lot. Apparently, once the steamy hot little red, golden, and white bags are in the grubby little fists of the fast food consumer, hot fries shoved lustily in their mouths, cheeks bulging with crispy apple pie, these folks have reached such a state of euphoria that all else in the world fades. There are no sounds, vision grows dim, and there is only the wonderful sensation of the heart pumping blood to the stomach in order to start processing the fat laden delights that have just entered the system. Perhaps it's the preoccupation with licking the salt off of their lips, or scrambling to unwrap the straw in order to wash it all down with an effervescent thirst quencher. I don't know. Either way, the people leaving the lot are far more dangerous than those vying to get in.
No matter how you look at it, that particular food establishment does something to people to make them momentarily loose their minds and at all costs, I believe it should be avoided.

Lets ride!

Well today makes it 8 days , 16 rides and 160 miles!!!!!!!!!! Yeah for us. Since this is my first time writing , I would like to review what the last few rides have been like. The first day I was over joyed at the fact that I actually did it. I had to walk up a few hills and was breathing heavy for most of the day. The first ride is the hardest.
About day two I was accosted by a crack head Mexican. I now will be carrying a large copper wire whip . (Thanks to the cute electrician I know) So watch out crackhead if I encounter you again I may whip you silly.
I suffer from a severe case of Bike Rage! If one more person, almost runs me over in the cross walk , because they are talking on their cell phone and not paying attention, may the Gods help me I will punch in their window , snatch the phone from their ear and kindly shove it up their ass. After I see the tortured look of pain on their face I will throw my bike on their car and kick their tires. Phew so much rage!
Well that will be all for now. Until the next ride , may you be inspired!

Help! I'm Homeless!

I think 13 is our lucky number.. As I saddled up this morning I had to remind myself that, NO.. I do not have my bike ass yet.
Today was the first day that it rained.
And, just in case your wondering.. YES! We still faced the elements. Regardless of the damn weather! THAT is how strong and committed we are! We laugh in the face of rain, snow, sleet, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, AND erupting volcanoes!
This morning we were the fortunate recipients of a SWEET genuine bum sign... Let me tell ya, we took one gander at that sign, (lying open and exposed on the road, just ready for the taking)...... as we whizzed by, and both immediately hit the brakes..
How many times in life do you have the opportunity to happen upon something as precious and rare as this??????? NEVER, I tell ya!
I shoved it in my backpack and rode on.....
Once we got to work, crawled up the stairs and all the preliminary crap was done, I decided that I needed a little siesta under my desk.
Thank goodness EVAC SPECIALIST was there, sign and camera ready!

OK... Here are OUR asses. You see'em. Right? Well, there they are! ~There will be periodic updates on shrinkage, if any~ (I am, however... At best, optimistic about it!)
After stopping off @ WILS' PLACE tonight AND drinking copious amounts of beer, I've finally made it home. I mean, I've just been pining to get home and post a picture of my ass on the inter web! I swear!
Either way, here we be.
Well, while I'm on the subject, I would like to expound upon the thoughts running through my mind today.
First, I would like to say that I have to pay homage to ALL the bikers.... EVERYWHERE.
While we are not the first, nor the last, nor the fittest,..
~Let alone the skinniest.~ We do..
AND, I will have you all know that we are fighting tyranny, oppression, high gas prices, Big government(aka..THE MAN), being fat, stupid people, and the everyday doldrums that life seems to offer us.
Secondly, I would like to say that YES, we are committed.
We are committed to biking everyday. We are committed to yelling and cursing at motorists that are inconsiderate. We are committed to "stickin it to the MAN", (then, of course, bragging about "Stickin it to the MAN")
We are thankful for red lights, and not to mention,the DOWN HILL.. ( I capitalized that for a reason, ~you fat biker girls know what I speak of.......)

And, last but not least, I would like to share my mantras...The ones that I wake up to everyday...That keep me going. That get me out of bed after a night of 3-8 beers, 1-3 Caucasian Gary's, and maybe some (4-6, maybe 8) glasses of wine.. A few shots of Jager.. Then a night cap of Brandy.. (On the rocks, of course!)
Hey, water is good for you!

My Mantras:
"Quarter to 6, get rid of this!" ~ This all said while pointing at my big fat gut.~
and.. Also,
"6:45,trim those thighs!"

My Sweet, sweet bike

I LOVE my bike!

Day 6 of riding..5 miles in 30 minutes

We took pictures of each others' asses this morning. (I'll upload them when I get home.) Today marks our 11th ride. Whoo HOoo! I feel like I've been kicked in the head. I'm gonna have to quit staying up until the ass crack of dawn drinking wine. It does not bode well with my overall sense of well being. (It sure is fun @ the time though!)
Saw my cousin on the trail this morning. Totally random, right?
We hit almost every light this morning, AND we actually made it up the hills that we have had to walk every day!!!! I think, maybe.. Just maybe, we might actually be getting better!
All in all, I am liking the biking.