it's cold outside....

But we're still riding, damn it!

Danger Girl does it Westcoast Style

Being the gal that I am, a seeker of adventure, a lover of life, a doer, mover and shaker, a beer drinking load mouth.

I could go on forever, but I digress. I decided that I needed to shake things up a bit. My offspring have grown to think that I am the maid, the door mat, and the cook.

So as to teach them a lesson I have decided to hit the road.

See ya later suckers, I am out of here!


Whoo hoo goin to Washington to party it up!

I made my travel arrangements, found some NICEGUY , to let me mooch off of him for a week! (Poor unsuspecting fella)

Well upon my arrival, NICEGUY lays out the plans for the week. He borrowed a bike from his nice neighbor lady. At this point he has a hole day of biking planned! Yeah, me being the biker chick that I am, I am so excited! Oh and did I mention that NICEGUY also aquired an IPOD for me!!!!!!!

Well we get to his house and I take a look at the bike. I think well this is a totally workable bike. I can ride this, after all it is a Trek. They make good bikes...... Well the first thing I do, is take the sissy padded seat thing off. (Fucking amatures) Well the seat underneath is not much better, but hell it will work. Right? I am not fussy, I just want to ride.

Well the day arrives! It is a glorious day, the sun was shining, a soft breeze is blowing and the trail looks awsome. Washington is the Evergreen state, and that it is. The scenery was amazing, lots of lakes and rivers.

See in Washington, they like bikers. I take that back they FUCKING LOVE bikers! We have our own lanes, on major roads no less. Anyways back to it.....

We get all loaded up, our IPODs strapped on, our shiznitz ready and we roll. I was overcome with the sense of YESSSSSSSSSSS!
Let me just interject here that riding with music is even more amazing than I thought. I spent a good majority of the time fucking with my music and the rest of the time in awe of the beauty that surrounds me.

Well about 5 miles into the ride I start to have pain.......Not any pain, no the worst kind of pain, pussy pain, pain in the drain, twat twitches, crotch cramp to the full effect.

Again, fucking ameture bikers. She must have traded seats for the fat sally seat. Now mind you I am used to a slim line, perfectly padded seat. One that rubs all of the "right" spots. This seat is so not that.

Well NICEGUY (who I might add does not road bike very often) has a SWEET bike. Street tires, slim seat, the works. He is smokin my ass.... and I mean smokin it. Well this does not bode well with me. No and he is not even nice about it , as a matter of fact I think that he is relishing the moment. To make matters worse I have to get off and rest my mashed, smooshed , mangled girly parts. Needless to say we biked a total of 20 miles that day, and I had to reach in at the end of the day and pull my shit back out.

All of that aside, yes I think I will ride again, on that lousy bike even, because I am that much of a junky. As for coming home I am not sure about that one....... I could get used to the city life, no kids, being a mooch, not working, and all of that, I could have my bike shipped up and just ride everyday.

HOOD ORNAMENT.................

Well, last week was back to work week. I don't get to ride my bike to work very often seeing how I have to drive for a portion of my job. However, I got special permission to use the company vehicle for two days so I could participate in this grand event. 

I had already biked home from work the week before. So, I knew exactly how much time I would need to get to work. Thursday morning rolls around and I realize that I have woken up late. I rush to get ready for work. Wake up the boy and threaten him if he doesn't make the bus. I get on my bike 15 minutes past the time I wanted to leave the house. I put the peddles to the medal. I am flying and making great time. It's a little chili outside, but this gives me more incentive to ride hard. Surprisingly I make it work at the time I had anticipated arriving even after leaving late. Yahoo. I put my face and hair together in the bathroom and I am feeling really good about what I have just accomplished. 

I go home at lunch to find that my TEENAGE OFFSPRING has missed the bus. Surprise, Surprise. After some yelling and a lot of drama I am back to work. All that I can think of to get through the day is riding my bike home from work, and of course having a beer. 

It is a beautiful day for a bike ride or for just being outside in general. As I leave work I call SOGS and arrange to meet her for a beer. A bike ride, sunshine, and beer, what more could a person ask for. 

I strap on my helmet and backpack and take off. I am flying down the road feeling stoked about what is up ahead. I cross the street at an intersection and see up ahead a big Black Ram Dodge Truck waiting to pull out of the parking lot. I slow down for what seems to be a quit a while. The truck has tinted windows. So, I couldn't make full eye contact. I sit there for a couple of minutes and truck doesn't move. At this point the driver had to see me. She is waiting for me, I know it. I take off in front of the truck and I am directly in front of it. 

Then I hear it........Vrrrrrooooomm................She guns it. Instantly I am hit by the truck. It takes me down, my bike going under the truck, the whole time I am screaming "Fuck, Shit!!!" and other obscenities. I hit the ground and the truck stops. (Thank God!!) As I hit the ground my ankle slams into the cement and the handle bars go into the side of my abdomen. I role away from my bike into the middle of the street. I don't even get a chance to get up and I am surrounded my at least 5 people. 

I am still screaming obscenities, "SHIT, FUCK, MY ANKLE." I hear the driver on the phone to the police. I still haven't opened my eyes and I yell out, "I THOUGHT YOU SAW ME. FUCK, IT'S JUST MY ANKLE." I finally open my eyes and look down. To my surprise my foot is still in tacked. Since it hurt so bad I thought the worse. I take off my helmet and backpack and sit up. Just then the police come to the scene of the accident. They help me out of the middle of the street. 

The ambulance and cute fire fighters also come to my rescue. One of the them convince me to take a ride in the ambulance. Turns out I have a crack in my distal Fibula. Which explains the excruciating amount of pain. I have a splint on my foot now and I have an appointment to get a cast put on tomorrow. 

Of course it has been beautiful and warm out and I have been stuck inside all drugged up on pain meds. Today is the first day I haven't taken any. However it looks like my biking days are over for a little bit. 

But all I have to say is THANK GOD I DID NOT BECOME A PERMANENT HOOD ORNAMENT.

Time is all I have......

What do you suppose Kermit is doing with his other hand?
hmmmmmm.....

I'm working on developing my patience.

You see, I'm a very impatient person. (believe it or not!) I don't order shit on line cause I want it in my hands, right now! It's hard for me to make travel plans cause I about die just waiting for the departure date.
Why the hell do you think I'm learning how to fly planes? So I can GET IN, AND FUCKIN GO!!!
However, you really wouldn't believe it by hangin w/ me. Especially, if you took my blood pressure.
Currently a steady 100/70.. thank-you very much!
See? I TOLD you I'm TOTALLY relaxed.
*And, it takes a lot to get me riled.. (Well, unless I'm feelin a bit feisty and there is some sexy-time to be had!)

But, still I have this impatience factor.

Who do I blame for this?
Certainly not myself?!?!?!!
NO! never. That wouldn't be the FAT AMERICAN way would it?

My parents? YES!
That's the ticket!
I mean they were completely dysfunctional, right?
(although surprisingly my siblings & I turned out 'nearly' unscathed.)
but, either way, I think I still will blame them.
Being a parent myself, I feel completely justified in saying that my parents were the ones that TOTALLY fucked me up.
ho hum. I suppose I'll just finish the bottle of wine I've started and justify away my copious amounts of drinking too.

See? Everything is better when you put a little booze, delusion and rose colored glasses onto it!

Try it. You'll see!

I went flying today. It's such a different world up in the great blue yonder. Totally surreal.
We almost killed a couple eagles that decided to come flying near us.
Thank goodness we didn't.
Nothing like seeing the bottom side of an eagle 4 feet from your plane.
I seriously didn't want to end up like John Denver.
Common! You people remember what happened to him?!! (and I'm not talking about dieing in a plane crash either.)

Albeit, not the same, but still I'm sure there is some kind of consequences to killing our national bird.
At the very least I'd get audited or something.

***After further research I think his name must have been expunged. I can't find shit about him killing bald Eagles. and, hell! I LOOKED. Nothin. Nada. I swear I have a memory of that. CRAP!***** ok. my sources (my memory mostly) is not really reliable due to; A)the amount of liquor I consume.. and, B)the occasional puff O' weed...

Like I said, I blame my parents.

Hooray!

I just thought that I'd give a shout out to MY LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD! She got her grade 12!!!! And, now I get to give my self a big fat fucking pat on the back for raisin' the little shit and gettin her all gradumatated....

1 down and 1 to go!!! Aha ha aha ha ha!!

This time 2 years from now I'm gonna be sitting on a beach somewhere without a care in the world. And, for that matter, any children clinging to my leg begging me for attention, money, food, new shoes, lunch money, a car.. etc etc..

And, to be honest with all of you non-existent readers out there, it's all about MY accomplishment. I mean, it's fucking awesome that she did it, but guess what?
I shat her from my loins. I changed her shorts. I spanked her butt. I yelled at her at all the right (and sometime wrong) times. I paid for that tutor when she didn't understand math. I put up with her raging hormones through puberty. I squawked appropriately when I found out she was smokin the weed cigarettes. I told her I'd be happy to let her move out at 16 and quit school cause it was ultimately her life and what she did with it had no real reflection upon me. I told her I was proud that she decided to stay in school and actually get her diploma.

I DID IT ALL.

So there.

I'm going to her graduation tonight and I may even shed a little tear.
YES, me. The calloused person I am. I just might cry a little.
But, don't mistake it for tears of sadness, it's certainly NOT that.
It's gonna be tears of fuckin joy, cause I am SO gorram close to freedom I might just shit my pants.

I love you MLBRC.

I'M NOT A QUITER....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME..........

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME..........

It was a beautiful day. Sun shinning. I think there may have even been some birds chirping. 

Everyone was to meet at SISTER'S house to have brunch. We all know if she is cooking it will be good.  

DANGER GIRL and I had great plans for the day. We would start off by having DANGER GIRL'S HUBBY pickup all the munchins and take them to SISTER'S house. Then we would get on our bikes and feel the wind in our hair. 

Although I was a little dehydrated and tired from the previous evenings events the ride was great. As we knew the food was great and of course the drinks were flowing. Even my LITTLE MUNCHIN was having a good time. DANGER GIRL was a little cranky. At one point she said she was going to get waisted and not bike back. Of course I thought this was just a silly notion. Why would anyone do that. Biking is great. I mean after all there are no kids on the trail. (At least not our kids.)

Instead of getting waisted DANGER GIRL decided to take a nap. I on the other hand kept right on trucking thinking I was untouchable. You know after DANGER GIRL woke up she had the dynasty to say, "FEMALE JIM, are you going to bike home." She said it with total attitude like I was drunk. hmmmm. 

Well apparently there some parts of my mother's day I missed. Like passing out at SISTER'S house and getting pictures with everyone's asses. Like telling everyone I was going to bike home after they insisted I get a ride. Like falling in the bushes while biking on the trail home. Like loosing DANGER GIRL on the trail.

I do however remember running into the side of a bridge and almost running into some trees along the trail. I also remember telling myself that I had to concentrate with everything I had otherwise I would not make it home. 

Low and behold I made it home. My TEENAGE OFFSPRING was amazed that I was able to bike home. After all I could barely walk in the door. 

I did call DANGER GIRL after I got home to find out why she disappeared while we were biking. She proceeded to tell me that I am not a good team biker and hung up on me. So off to bed I went. 

Personally, I thought it was a good Mother's Day. After all, I might be stupid but I'm no quiter. I set out to bike home and I made it. It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. And thank god I made it home with my head still attached. 

Geeze.....

It seems to be a conundrum in my life that every time I start getting a little shitty, I want to blog.. hmmm.???
Maybe I should seek counseling?

Well, this week was the beginning for 'bike to work week'.....
Needless to say, I started today. I had to go it alone cause DANGER GIRL is busy 'busying' herself with her fuckin trip to Seattle. (bitch!) (with out me, I might mention!)
I just worked up my year budget and decided that I might have to skip my yearly music festival.
FUCK!!!!
That is, if I want to take the much wanted trip to Scotland next year.. DaMN! WHY the hell can't I be independently wealthy? I poo on my ancestors for not 'brithing' me w/ a silver spoon in my wittle baby mouth!!!
crap!......
I suppose I shouldn't dwell too very much. I'm a fucking AMERICAN, right? I can make my own gorram way! I mean, that IS the American dream right??
make money.. spend it..make more money.. spend it... make more..spend it.... and on and on and on .....
I told the DR today that he would have to take 3 weeks off next year to make up for all of his ill planned, 'not coinciding with my vacation time', this year.
It's a good thing he listens. Otherwise, I think I might have to just become a vagrant.. Living off the fat O' the land... Biking from winery to winery..begging for cast off wines. Either that, or I might just have to move to Switzerland and become a sheep herder. Who knows? Hell! I'm so close to freedom I might just commandeer a ship and start pirating!! Screw you Somalians! I'll do it MY WAY!!

OH, SO...
I joined a soft ball team!
Whoo Hooo!
I am a crappy soft ball player. (To say the very least, I am mediocre at ALL sports, including, but not limited too...Frolfing, curling, golfing, tennis, bowling, soccer, darts..is that a sport? beer pong, lawn bowling, racket ball, basket ball, shuffle board, horse shoes...etc...etc...)
Well, last night during our 'double header' I was waaaaay out in left field, I realized that in all actuality I really prefer to be involved in things that:
A)you drink copious amounts O beer..
B)have no actual commitment...
C)see cute guys on a regular basis...Or, at least some firemen on a regular basis.
*(Which I totally did this morning on my ride to work, and I TOTALLY waved and blew some kisses too)**
Not too much to ask, right?
Well, I DID get a shirt. So, I suppose that means I'm sorta committed. In a sense........
I suppose.. SHIT
DAMN IT!! Why the hell do I DO THAT??
I mean, really? I really don't have enough crap to do. I should join a soft ball team. Right??
YES!!!
Maybe, that is what I'm lacking from my life. TEAM comradary.
YEPS.
THAT's it!!!

Is it ok to be resentful of yourself for doing stuff that you really don't want to do.. but, you have nothing better to do, so you do it anyway?
I mean, just to say your doing something??
Even if your just 'mildly' curious about it and would probably do better watching from the sidelines rather than actually participating??
NOOOOO!!! Fuck it!
Go! Throw yerself in 'full bore'.. just see if your knees are capable of 'running' and if your throwing arm actually ' can really' throw.. and, if your batting arm is 'just as good' as it was 6 FUCKING years ago???? hmmm???
I could be glutton.
I'll admit it.

Alright.

I'll (try to) quit ranting.
Like I said. I've had a bit to drink tonight. Not, falling down drunkin biking drunk....Like, (I hate to mention names, but...) FEMALE JIM the other night, but still.. I'm glad to be at my computer in the safety of my own home.........

beer beer beer beer beer

In an effort to stay my hand when I'm totally waisted, I decided to make an attempt at blogging instead, when I'm totally hung over!

Usually, we have girls night on Tuesdays. This has been the ritual for years. Meet up after work, drink beers, bull shit. Fun? right?
Last year when we started biking we would often stop off @ WILL'S PLACE, it was midway through the ride and far too often a good excuse to get our drink on. Well, after awhils we wound up spending practically almost every night there.
(Vicious Cycle!!!) ***ha ha biking humor *** sorry, that was lame****
Anyway, the more we biked, the more we drank. Our families were calling us alcoholics, we stopped cooking, we stopped cleaning, we stopped washing our hair..We started wearing bum clothes we found on the trails...No, seriously though, the only thing we really cared about was getting on our bikes and going long enough to justify drinking that next beer.
I know that I don't need to explain to you people that if your trying to lose weight and become true biking goddesses, drinking copious amounts of beer is NOT conducive.

In fact, I just read that even if you exercise excessively, you shouldn't crank up your intake of beer because you really haven't 'just worked it off!!' Can you fucking believe that shit? God Damn it, NOT FAIR!
It's no wonder my legs are as strong as an ox but my gut is still a gelatinous mass of gooo!(I swear! I do have a six pack under it all!)
In fact, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I remember DANGER GIRL mumbling something about, "having to work that mid section to get rid of the flab, blah blah blah...." and "maybe we should quit drinking so much beer, blah blah blah" Oh and, "drunk biking is fun til you fall down, blah blah blah...."

Sometimes I suspect she's just out to ruin my binging.

Either way. This year as the biking is starting up again we have regaled ourselves to Thursday night bike trips. We start out at my house and bike to where ever the beer may be... Last week it was 7 miles away. And, trust me! It's not fun to hop on your bike after 5 beers and ride 7 miles back the way you came.(YES, I said 5 beers, but who's counting?) Now, I did it mind you. But, it sure was difficult with my big Ol' fat belly sloshing full of beer the whole way.

Having said all of that, I think I'm going to use this year to slow down a bit on the beer. YEpS! You heard it here first folks! Straight from my fingertips to this blog.
Instead I think I'll start experimenting. Like, rather than beer, I'll drink wine or scotch or, maybe, just quit drinking all together....
WHAT???sheeit!
What the hell am I talking about?
WHO, (for that matter) AM I even talking about?
me? yeah right.

I guess I'll really have to decide after I start biking to & from work again... (next week!) That is when half way home I'll pass WILL'S PLACE and the beer will start calling my name..."SOGS! SOGS! come in and have a nice, cold, refreshing Delirium Tremmons!!"

CRAP! It's gonna be a long summer.