A friendly note to my Homeowners Association

I would like to share a letter with you, written to my Homeowners Association. This has nothing to do with biking, but I feel it is worthy of sharing.

To whom it may concern:

I would like to take a moment to apologize, for not addressing all of the 5 citations in a more timely manner.Let me address them now.

Citation #1
Trash can in front of garage

Resolution:
Corrected day of notice

Citation #2
Trash can on balcony $200.00 fine, do to previous offense

Resolution:
Contacted your office via E-mail stating that 1) it is not a trash can 2) it has been on my porch for 6 yrs. 3)these are not the same offenses there for I should not receive this fine of $200.00

Your response:
To send me a letter arriving after the date, stating I had missed my hearing

My response:
How can I attend a hearing I have no idea I am supposed to be at days before. I apologize, but my time machine is broken, and Micheal J. Fox is backed up, do to his illness.

Citation #3
My grass is to brown

My response:
I am not fucking Mother Nature, and cannot control the sun to rain ratio. I was going to stop by Lowes and pick up some harmful chemicals, and fertilizer, but do to time constraints that I will address later, it was difficult . Also I would like to remind you that for 9 months out of the year my yard is piled with the neighborhoods snow, thus the 3 months it has to grow, are a little rough.

Citation #4
Not stating in writing my intention to paint $500.00 fine

My response:
Due to my dyslexia, sometimes I don't completely, comprehend things that I read. I know, I know, not excusable . How ever 500.00 bucks is pretty stinkin steep. How am I supposed to pay a painter when you fine me half the cost of painting. further more, I had a shiest y Mexican on the line , but he took the neighbors money, and ran back to Tijiauana to get some more blo.

Citation #5
Removing the wire runner line from my front porch $100.00 fine

My Response:
Article VII Section 7.2 only states that I will maintane my fence, and porch. It says nothing to the effect of the wire runner. Upon inspection I find it to be in good working order, not rusty and able to withstand the impact of my 125lb pooch charging at full speed. I recomend your snitch attach themselves to it, and run at full speed, I am sure they will find it in good working condition.

In closing, I would like to say, I am sorry for not addressing these issues in more depth sooner. The summer has slipped away from me. These issues you have with my unit, have unfortanatly taken a backseat to the hum drum, of my everyday life.

What with dealing with the attempted suicide of my drug addicted , psychopathic, mother, and the unfortunate need for her to come "home".

Let me also not forget my dear friend, the self proclaimed alcoholic, who flipped her truck a week later. Now I am her bitch, and have even more errands to run.

Oh yeah, and the sudden, and tragic death of my beloved kitty Ernie, if I would have known that he would have been dead by midnight, I would have let him suffer, and die at home, instead of spending my painting money on trying to save him.

So at the end of a long day, working sometimes 10 and 12 hour days, I try to convince the kids, that watering our brown lawn is fun, they disagree, demanding dinner, and my attention.

Thank the Gods, for the rain, it has helped to relieve one small burden for me.

So, fuck off , and die! Stay the fuck away from my yard, and when I remove my runner line , I will teach my Mastiff to shit in your yard.

Fuck off!
DANGERGIRL

Dear SIDEKICK........

So SIDEKICK keeps bloging saying how she wants to be a pothead. Well let me tell you, my loyal reader, that is not the case! For two days, I have been trying to get her to smokeses the weed with me, and to my dismay, she will not.

This leaves me to smokeses the weed alone...... (so sad) Well don't get me wrong, she hangs with me in the woods, and helps to fend off The Rabid Bear Dog. But alas, I still smoke.

So I get into my stoned, biking groove, alone. (insert weeping here)

I have amazing epiphanies, I find the rhythm of the peddling to be soothing to my frazzled nerves. And all the while, I imagine that my loyal biking partner, is on the same page.

Well to my regret, she is not, and has no idea, what the hell I am trying desperately to explain to her, nor does she have the time, or patience to listen. Dirty Bitch!

SIDEKICK, this time it is I, DANGERGIRL, that is reaching out to you. You, my loyal biking, drinking, and potsmoking friend, are SLIPPING!

Your just not the same dedicated, committed, individual that you used to be. Are you on the straight and narrow? Do you need Prozac? A healthy box chowing? What is it?

Come on, smokeses the weed with me! I miss biking high with you. Remember the creek? Do you?

Let's have a stoned adventure!

So, DANGER GIRL FELL DOWN...

According to the DR, DANGER GIRL is a disaster. Which, of course makes me immediatly feel better. Better about my drinking, my pot smoking, my over all indulgence about purty much anything and everything. I've decided that the goal in my life is to piggy back on DANGER GIRLS misfortunes and ride them like a wild pony. I mean, don't get me wrong. I make my own advetures, these just seem WAAaaaYYYyy more prevelant and relavant to everything.
First off, DANGER GIRL totally fucked herself up. And, keeps fucking herself up. (I personally think she likes it.) Beyond that, she keeps riding on her own. AND, I only find out when she comes in all sweaty, dripping, pealing off the IPod from her arm saying, "Oh yeah. I just logged bout' 20 miles"....
No big deal. The last time I logged 20 miles on a bike was when we decided to bike w/F.JIM last year!!!
That's OK though. I understand 'crises.'
And, I understand obsession.
*I wish I could become so fucking obsessive!*
I personally think she might be on the verge of 'some kind' of break down....
Some, wierd biking, break down..
Does that happen?
DANGER GIRL!
I'm reaching out! Come to my house. I will meditate and do yoga w/ you.
We will smoke weed and not only heal our insides but the outsides as well!!
I'm here to help!
I love you.
And, Look. I've got some money.
Do you wanna buy an ice cream truck?

GRills and Chills.

HOLY SHIT!

I forgot that this blog was even about biking.. Thanks for keepin' it real F.JIM.

MY HERO.........................

I have been so busy with my run in with the Dodge Ram that I forgot about this picture. Which I am sure the model forgot as well. Sometimes when you have to go you just have to go. Let's salute this fellow biker for baring it all for the love of biking. You...weep..weep..are my hero...sob...sob......................

SIX WEEKS....Can you believe it................

Well, it has been a long 6 weeks since the accident. I am officially out of the cast. Yeah. But in an air splint. I developed Blood Clots (or DVTs for my more weak stomach readers). I have 2 weeks in an air splint, some physical therapy, and 3 more months of taking blood thinners for the DVTs. Oh lucky me.

I am currently fighting with the insurance company. There is a biking rule that states you can not ride on the sidewalk in a business district. Well, in Anchorage we have business districts within residential districts or we have business districts where there is no shoulder and/or the speed limit is higher than regulated for a business district. So the insurance company is trying to pin fault on me. Those Fuckers!!!! Well I got clarification from the MOA. Read below.

Hi Julia, I am so sorry you were hurt, I do hope you are not badly injured and you and your bike are doing well in the recovery process.

I was just speaking with the MOA Traffic Engineer about this very matter this morning. He and I have both had calls recently from insurance companies concerning riding bicycles on sidewalks. I do not believe he has been contacted about your incident, the ones we knew of were on Bragaw, Dimond and Benson.

Title 9, the Municipal code is being changed to be clearer, but Business District is meant to be the Central Business District, which is the area downtown. The code was written many years ago when that was the only business district. It helps to understand the purpose of the law, it was made to reduce conflicts between bicyclists and pedestrians. The code goes on to state that the Municipal Traffic Engineer is authorized to erect signs on any sidewalk prohibiting riding of bicycles. Since this is not downtown and there are no signs, it is fine to ride there. Therefore it is perfectly legal for you to be bicycling on the sidewalk or pathway.

Here is a link to MOA code. Bicycles are 9.38

http://www.municode.com/resources/gateway.asp?pid=12717&sid=2

I know of no logic to absolve automobile drivers – vehicles always yield to peds and bicyclists.

You are welcome to use me as a reference, I would be happy to speak to anyone from your insurance company about this.

The bastards are still fighting me on this. The gal that wrote this email talked to my insurance company today and the feed back was this.

I had the feeling she was hoping to find a written code she would put in a file to really sew thongs up.

I am happy to help. I hope this gets you a brand new bike and you are healed well.

I am going to fight this even if I have to hire an attorney. I will keep everyone posted on the progress. I hope to get the $250 + in damage to my bike repaired soon and get on the horse again.

The MAN will not take me down.

So... I broke my finger, and now I have to clean up the mess...

I think that I've discovered a new way to sustain myself.
A kissing booth!
BTW, My lips are 'pretty much' luscious.
(as those of you that may have had the lucky opportunity to look upon them and can clearly see....)
...My personality pretty much stands up for it self..(We won't even mention my glorious hair..) Besides, SISTER & I have done the market research!!!


***I DID just leave Cordova and was told that the sign (when you leave) used to say:
LADIES, YOU ARE NOW LEAVING CORDOVA!
You are no longer the most beautiful woman in the world.


Regardless,
we all agree, 'for a charitable cause', people will pay.....
let's say, but are not limited to: $100.00 a kiss!!!
(Let me just segue... This was just 'market research'.. We, by 'NO MEANS' smooched any one.....all we did was ask.)
SO,AGAIN, either way.....
This is really good news!

Now, all I have to do is set up a kissing booth in a profitable area!
Oh, and invest in a few more properties...(of course)
Ultimately, I just need to fulfill my dream of becoming the slum lord I was born to be,
but.... until then....

BTW, I learned this on our recent trip to Cordova.
People WILL pay.
As long as it's for a good cause.
YEs.
They will pay.
YES!!!!
AH ha HA ha ha ha...
No.. That was nowhere near the evil laugh I thought it would be.. ... NOPe.
NOT an evil laugh at all.....
Look the other way.
hmmmm......
BTW, I try to pride myself on knowing the difference between...to, two and too....
I've used a lot of them thus far, and I'm spending more time now trying to figure out the proper usage... and, as a result I'm totally slacking on my story...
Sorry.

**For those of you that actually went back and counted... and, evaluated... DON'T JUDGE!**

Well, it's not actually like I have one. but, still.......

A 'story' that is..

I suppose I could talk about 'stuff'.
Wait, I've been drinking again.
Probably a bad idea.
YEPS.
I always rush to the computer the next morning after I've been drunk blogging.
It's kind of a sick obsession I've developed.
I guess it comes w/ the territory.
Blab yer brains out.
Nobody listens.
Hope someone responds. ..
Nobody responds.. Well.. (sometimes.) AND, I want you all (3) to be assured, that, YES..
I DO run to the computer!

Don't you feel special?

It's my therapy.
Why stretch when you can blog????


aHHHhh well.. I suppose to each his own.

I swear!
Actually to tell the truth, I know of at least 3, (Yes, I said 3!!!!) people that read this blog!! I'm so fricken proud of myself!!!!
~PAT~ PAT~
Either way.....
I can't tell you how many blogs I read that BORE me to death!
My only hope.. is to be, at the very least, amusing for my ill placed punctuation and misspellings.
Screw the stories! THAT is all fodder.
Back to my finger...
Oh, wait did I even mention that?



THAT is what I've recently done to make people feel extra sorry for me.
And, please.. If you would like to contribute to my healing process you may make your donations.. to uhhh... OUR KISSING BOOTH, it's for a great cause, I swear!
Just think, You'll be fixing a girls finger...
This particular girl has never known, uhh... 'insurance'!!!
(Yeah! that's the ticket!)
Just think.....You will provide her w/...... a lifetime of 'self sustaining ideas' and, let's call it,..... 'manual labor!!!',
She'll NOW be able to feed herself!
YOU, and only YOU can help this POOR afflicted, invalid.... (Or, as JIM says when she's had a dozen wines or so, "inba~lid" )HA HA HA!
***That can somehow manage to still type...

...............NOTHING!!!!.....

Your donations are greatly appreciated.


Look.
Give me your money.
ALL of it.
I'm gonna call this the, "Modern Day Bank Robbery"
The only real exception is that:
A) I don't really want to explain...~ Splain it to yer selves!!!....~
B) Just give me your money!!!
C) DO IT!!!


Sorry...
I AM drinking wine.

Will you please itch my butt hole? Use your finger.

This morning I have decided to truly commit myself to being an alcoholic.
I woke up, called SISTER and then DANGER GIRL, she informed me that she was, 'waking and baking'.... So, I thought it would be a good time to make myself a Bloody Mary and start blogging.
DANGER GIRL also informed me that summer is the time of perpetual soreness.
Looking at the bruises covering my body, I'm in complete agreement.
Have you ever thought that maybe you should just go back to bed and start over?
I'm kinda thinkin that right now..
Wait, I've got to finish my bloody Mary first.
BTW, apparently if you've got an itchy butt it means that there is A)poop still there... or, B)hemmy's.....
(This is all according to DANGER GIRL.)
She says that if your experiencing this you need to get into the shower and take your scrubby thingy and 'tear it up!'.
It doesn't help them go away, but it certainly helps that 'itchy feeling'. Oh, and BROTHER says you can't go wrong with the prepH..
Now, I want you all to know that I don't have a hemmy... and I'm pretty certain there is no poop there.
I just wanted to give the world a little slice of the early morning conversation pie.
Speaking of which, DANGER GIRL suggested that we go play a little chase ball this afternoon.
In the spirit of O', let's say 'summer' I'm inclined to do it. Anything to make me even more sore, and that may potentially give me more bruises and battering...
Why the hell not?
And, besides, I've been pretty much drunk or high since Thursday so why stop now?
The adventures will ensue!
Now, I just need to dig out my tennis racket and find my balls....
ha ha.. I said, 'balls'.
Damn! Maybe I'll even ride my fricken bike there!
WOW! It's amazing how adventuresome just 1 bloody Mary makes ya feel!
I'm gonna recommend it to all my friends!
Hell!, I may even try a little wakey bakey !
Wait...... I'm getting a little ahead of myself.
I'm really NOT that ambitious...
I mean, I'm an active girl and all, it's just that my TRUE ambition really lies in the fact that I want to be the laziest 'active girl' you'll ever meet.
Is that so wrong?
Or, actually, does that even make sense?

I'm really thinking that I should just stick with my original plan of laying on my deck and studying how to fly airplanes.

The fricken world is my oyster! Bloody Mary. No children. The house is silent.
Oh, and BTW, I'm totally naked writing this!
Aren't you all jealous?

Tell you what.

You bring the beer. I'll provide the deck and the fire. The powers that B will provide the sunshine. We'll flash the train occasionally, watch the planes fly over and have a grand Ol' time!

Is That How You Remember It

Well as SIDEKICK has told, we had a great ride the other night. One that will go down in history as "One of the best rides of my life". However SIDEKICKS telling of the events well is a little inaccurate.

SIDEKICK was convinced that in fact there was a trail to be found if we just went down this road. So after much dilliberating at the stop light I said sure, fuck it lets go. Well no, there was not a trail to be found. Well, not easily, SK says oh these are the condos we pass, so the trail has to be behind them.
Well, me being the doer that I am, I agree to go scout it out. And sure enough what do I see? Bikers! I come back get SK and off we trudge. Much to my dismay I did not see that creek. So like SK says she went first. I was shocked, and left thinking well now I have to go too. So I did, no, the creek was not warm, and the mud on the other side was well, muddy, and sinky and very, very, hard to get out of.

But hey, we did it! So back on our bikes we go peddling with fish bowls in our shoes. We stopped again because SK wanted to have more treats. Now even more buzzed, we decide that we need beer because the cotton mouth is unbearable.

Thank god for Will's Place, it is sooooooo convenient, right on the way to anywhere. Yes 2-3 beers later, and we are outa there.

Along the ride I had been having problems with my seat post holder thinger dinger. Well when get going, the whole thing just busts to a million little pieces. Leaving me to ride all Mexican Gangsta style. Kneeing myself in my lucious lady lumps with every rotation of the peddles!

This just adds to our laughter!

When SK gets her buzz on, nothing and I mean nothing is ever her fault.

That being said when you approching a stop light you have to slow down in order to navigate. Well SK forgets this and is riding balls to the wall, (also not to mention I can hardly see over my handlebars) up my ass and what do you know she slams into my tire. Not once, no not twice, you got it three times! Three fucking times and then falls over! And no, she did not get right up, she lays there screaming I broke my leg, no wait you made me break my leg!

All the while some motorcycle guy is laughing and yelling something at us. Whatever dude!

And we are off again! Only to ride a short distance and see the wonderful display of bum love! If we ever pass out on the trail, SK you can so sleep on my belly!

Bum Love..

Our friends the bums...




Showing us all how everyone should treat one another.
Learn from them people!

Speaking of Dirty Muddy Swamp foot....

Every Thursday our DR brings in Margaritas for an 'end of the week' celebration. It's a nice way to end the day and wind down before hopping on our bikes to head home.
Well, this particular Thursday just happened to earn a page in the chapters of my O'so already rich life.
You see, DANGER GIRL & I decided that the drinks weren't enough. DG had brought some extra 'treats' with her and suggested that before we ride, we take a few puffs. As I explained earlier about my desires to become a pot head, in the genuine pursuit of that hobby, I agreed that it was the right thing to do.
PUFF ***PUFF****
And we were on our way!
Our normal route involves quite a bit of street riding but as we got going there happened to be an ambulance up on the sidewalk. We really couldn't see a way around it with out having to go a long way out of our way.....
*If only we knew then what we know now!*
Needless to say we took 'another' route. Somewhere about, uhhh.... 10 blocks down the way we had the brilliant idea to cut through some condo yards and get back on the bike trail....
DANGER GIRL tells me to, "stay put, and she'll be right back!" She wanders off to check it all out and comes back saying, "oh, yeah! the trail is right down there! Just a few woods to go through and we'll be back on track!"
Me, being the trusting person I am, (although I know now that DG's idea of navigation is quite a bit different from mine) says, "alright! let's go!"
Well, what she failed to mention was that the short jaunt to the bike trail was infested with a shit ton O' brush, stumps, mosquitoes, and What do you know? a fucking creek! Oh, and by the time we had dragged/trudged our way to the fricken creek the mosquitoes were so bad I really had hardly any second thoughts about just heading through it. Shoes, socks, bike and all.
Whoo hoo!!!!
I got through ok, while DANGER GIRL took pictures and laughed.
I am always amazed at the creative way I can cuss when put in the right type of situation.
The creek wasn't so bad actually, kinda warm and soothing. The shitty part was mostly just the last 3ft of mud that you had to wade through to get on the trail.
I did it though! Got up on the trail and fended of the swarms of bugs that had followed me through my forest adventures.
I think, maybe in the back of DANGER GIRLS mind she thought that I might not do it. So, when I told her I would go first and then just plunged in she really had no choice but to do it too.

Back on the trail I felt that my buzz had been severely diminished and my soggy muddy shoes/pants needed a little air time. So, we stopped off for danger girl to pee and partake in the ganja once again.
We also felt that we had totally earned some beers, so once we got to WILL'S PLACE it was a must to throw back a few. *Besides, they have Delirium on tap again and we had stories that needed to be regaled.

2-3 beers later, (can't really remember) we're back on our bikes headed home. Feelin' pretty good about how this ride had shaped up.
care free.
high as a kite.
got my buzz on.
riding.
Until.......Somehow or another DANGER GIRL cuts me off and slams into my front tire. BTW, I totally think she did it on purpose. In her mind she just wanted to laugh and point, AGAIN(which of course she did!) and, she also wanted to make sure that everyone else (yes I saw YOU motorcycle man stopped at the light!) did too.
I mean, I really wasn't dirty and muddy and fucked up enough.
That just sealed the deal.
Oh and BTW, I have discovered that I move the fastest when faced with embarrassment. I was up off the ground yelling,
"I broke my leg!!!" (in FEMALE JIMS honor of course)
it took something like, 2.5 seconds.
Now, that is fast!
Hell, I don't even get my pants off that fast!
Even if I'm really horny!
but, either way.

When I got home I poured a bath, peeled off my (now ripped up)muddy, soaked, covered in dirt pants, my muddy socks, my sticky shirt and basically fell into the tub.

Then SISTER called. I had forgotten that we had made plans to go bowling.
So, with most of the dirt soaked off, I drug myself outta the tub and got dressed.
To make a long story short, we bowled 4 games, drank 3 pitchers of beer and when I woke up the next morning I was VERY grateful to be in my own bed.

Dirty. Muddy. swamp foot.

Listen. I'm trying to become a pot head. I'm also trying to become a better person. Neither one seems to be working out. I tell myself one thing, and then I fall down off my bike and then tell myself something else.
I also decided that I'm becoming an 'active' girl.
I'll have you know that 'active' girls are few and far between.
Here are some signs your dating/fucking an active person.
1)They get up
2)They want to do stuff
3)They have idea's about the 'stuff' they want to do
4)They would rather be doing 'stuff' than actually doing nothing.
**nothing being defined as laying in bed all day... and never fucking.
SO?.. my plans for tomorrow?
get good and stoned.
Yeps....

it's cold outside....

But we're still riding, damn it!

Danger Girl does it Westcoast Style

Being the gal that I am, a seeker of adventure, a lover of life, a doer, mover and shaker, a beer drinking load mouth.

I could go on forever, but I digress. I decided that I needed to shake things up a bit. My offspring have grown to think that I am the maid, the door mat, and the cook.

So as to teach them a lesson I have decided to hit the road.

See ya later suckers, I am out of here!


Whoo hoo goin to Washington to party it up!

I made my travel arrangements, found some NICEGUY , to let me mooch off of him for a week! (Poor unsuspecting fella)

Well upon my arrival, NICEGUY lays out the plans for the week. He borrowed a bike from his nice neighbor lady. At this point he has a hole day of biking planned! Yeah, me being the biker chick that I am, I am so excited! Oh and did I mention that NICEGUY also aquired an IPOD for me!!!!!!!

Well we get to his house and I take a look at the bike. I think well this is a totally workable bike. I can ride this, after all it is a Trek. They make good bikes...... Well the first thing I do, is take the sissy padded seat thing off. (Fucking amatures) Well the seat underneath is not much better, but hell it will work. Right? I am not fussy, I just want to ride.

Well the day arrives! It is a glorious day, the sun was shining, a soft breeze is blowing and the trail looks awsome. Washington is the Evergreen state, and that it is. The scenery was amazing, lots of lakes and rivers.

See in Washington, they like bikers. I take that back they FUCKING LOVE bikers! We have our own lanes, on major roads no less. Anyways back to it.....

We get all loaded up, our IPODs strapped on, our shiznitz ready and we roll. I was overcome with the sense of YESSSSSSSSSSS!
Let me just interject here that riding with music is even more amazing than I thought. I spent a good majority of the time fucking with my music and the rest of the time in awe of the beauty that surrounds me.

Well about 5 miles into the ride I start to have pain.......Not any pain, no the worst kind of pain, pussy pain, pain in the drain, twat twitches, crotch cramp to the full effect.

Again, fucking ameture bikers. She must have traded seats for the fat sally seat. Now mind you I am used to a slim line, perfectly padded seat. One that rubs all of the "right" spots. This seat is so not that.

Well NICEGUY (who I might add does not road bike very often) has a SWEET bike. Street tires, slim seat, the works. He is smokin my ass.... and I mean smokin it. Well this does not bode well with me. No and he is not even nice about it , as a matter of fact I think that he is relishing the moment. To make matters worse I have to get off and rest my mashed, smooshed , mangled girly parts. Needless to say we biked a total of 20 miles that day, and I had to reach in at the end of the day and pull my shit back out.

All of that aside, yes I think I will ride again, on that lousy bike even, because I am that much of a junky. As for coming home I am not sure about that one....... I could get used to the city life, no kids, being a mooch, not working, and all of that, I could have my bike shipped up and just ride everyday.

HOOD ORNAMENT.................

Well, last week was back to work week. I don't get to ride my bike to work very often seeing how I have to drive for a portion of my job. However, I got special permission to use the company vehicle for two days so I could participate in this grand event. 

I had already biked home from work the week before. So, I knew exactly how much time I would need to get to work. Thursday morning rolls around and I realize that I have woken up late. I rush to get ready for work. Wake up the boy and threaten him if he doesn't make the bus. I get on my bike 15 minutes past the time I wanted to leave the house. I put the peddles to the medal. I am flying and making great time. It's a little chili outside, but this gives me more incentive to ride hard. Surprisingly I make it work at the time I had anticipated arriving even after leaving late. Yahoo. I put my face and hair together in the bathroom and I am feeling really good about what I have just accomplished. 

I go home at lunch to find that my TEENAGE OFFSPRING has missed the bus. Surprise, Surprise. After some yelling and a lot of drama I am back to work. All that I can think of to get through the day is riding my bike home from work, and of course having a beer. 

It is a beautiful day for a bike ride or for just being outside in general. As I leave work I call SOGS and arrange to meet her for a beer. A bike ride, sunshine, and beer, what more could a person ask for. 

I strap on my helmet and backpack and take off. I am flying down the road feeling stoked about what is up ahead. I cross the street at an intersection and see up ahead a big Black Ram Dodge Truck waiting to pull out of the parking lot. I slow down for what seems to be a quit a while. The truck has tinted windows. So, I couldn't make full eye contact. I sit there for a couple of minutes and truck doesn't move. At this point the driver had to see me. She is waiting for me, I know it. I take off in front of the truck and I am directly in front of it. 

Then I hear it........Vrrrrrooooomm................She guns it. Instantly I am hit by the truck. It takes me down, my bike going under the truck, the whole time I am screaming "Fuck, Shit!!!" and other obscenities. I hit the ground and the truck stops. (Thank God!!) As I hit the ground my ankle slams into the cement and the handle bars go into the side of my abdomen. I role away from my bike into the middle of the street. I don't even get a chance to get up and I am surrounded my at least 5 people. 

I am still screaming obscenities, "SHIT, FUCK, MY ANKLE." I hear the driver on the phone to the police. I still haven't opened my eyes and I yell out, "I THOUGHT YOU SAW ME. FUCK, IT'S JUST MY ANKLE." I finally open my eyes and look down. To my surprise my foot is still in tacked. Since it hurt so bad I thought the worse. I take off my helmet and backpack and sit up. Just then the police come to the scene of the accident. They help me out of the middle of the street. 

The ambulance and cute fire fighters also come to my rescue. One of the them convince me to take a ride in the ambulance. Turns out I have a crack in my distal Fibula. Which explains the excruciating amount of pain. I have a splint on my foot now and I have an appointment to get a cast put on tomorrow. 

Of course it has been beautiful and warm out and I have been stuck inside all drugged up on pain meds. Today is the first day I haven't taken any. However it looks like my biking days are over for a little bit. 

But all I have to say is THANK GOD I DID NOT BECOME A PERMANENT HOOD ORNAMENT.

Time is all I have......

What do you suppose Kermit is doing with his other hand?
hmmmmmm.....

I'm working on developing my patience.

You see, I'm a very impatient person. (believe it or not!) I don't order shit on line cause I want it in my hands, right now! It's hard for me to make travel plans cause I about die just waiting for the departure date.
Why the hell do you think I'm learning how to fly planes? So I can GET IN, AND FUCKIN GO!!!
However, you really wouldn't believe it by hangin w/ me. Especially, if you took my blood pressure.
Currently a steady 100/70.. thank-you very much!
See? I TOLD you I'm TOTALLY relaxed.
*And, it takes a lot to get me riled.. (Well, unless I'm feelin a bit feisty and there is some sexy-time to be had!)

But, still I have this impatience factor.

Who do I blame for this?
Certainly not myself?!?!?!!
NO! never. That wouldn't be the FAT AMERICAN way would it?

My parents? YES!
That's the ticket!
I mean they were completely dysfunctional, right?
(although surprisingly my siblings & I turned out 'nearly' unscathed.)
but, either way, I think I still will blame them.
Being a parent myself, I feel completely justified in saying that my parents were the ones that TOTALLY fucked me up.
ho hum. I suppose I'll just finish the bottle of wine I've started and justify away my copious amounts of drinking too.

See? Everything is better when you put a little booze, delusion and rose colored glasses onto it!

Try it. You'll see!

I went flying today. It's such a different world up in the great blue yonder. Totally surreal.
We almost killed a couple eagles that decided to come flying near us.
Thank goodness we didn't.
Nothing like seeing the bottom side of an eagle 4 feet from your plane.
I seriously didn't want to end up like John Denver.
Common! You people remember what happened to him?!! (and I'm not talking about dieing in a plane crash either.)

Albeit, not the same, but still I'm sure there is some kind of consequences to killing our national bird.
At the very least I'd get audited or something.

***After further research I think his name must have been expunged. I can't find shit about him killing bald Eagles. and, hell! I LOOKED. Nothin. Nada. I swear I have a memory of that. CRAP!***** ok. my sources (my memory mostly) is not really reliable due to; A)the amount of liquor I consume.. and, B)the occasional puff O' weed...

Like I said, I blame my parents.

Hooray!

I just thought that I'd give a shout out to MY LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD! She got her grade 12!!!! And, now I get to give my self a big fat fucking pat on the back for raisin' the little shit and gettin her all gradumatated....

1 down and 1 to go!!! Aha ha aha ha ha!!

This time 2 years from now I'm gonna be sitting on a beach somewhere without a care in the world. And, for that matter, any children clinging to my leg begging me for attention, money, food, new shoes, lunch money, a car.. etc etc..

And, to be honest with all of you non-existent readers out there, it's all about MY accomplishment. I mean, it's fucking awesome that she did it, but guess what?
I shat her from my loins. I changed her shorts. I spanked her butt. I yelled at her at all the right (and sometime wrong) times. I paid for that tutor when she didn't understand math. I put up with her raging hormones through puberty. I squawked appropriately when I found out she was smokin the weed cigarettes. I told her I'd be happy to let her move out at 16 and quit school cause it was ultimately her life and what she did with it had no real reflection upon me. I told her I was proud that she decided to stay in school and actually get her diploma.

I DID IT ALL.

So there.

I'm going to her graduation tonight and I may even shed a little tear.
YES, me. The calloused person I am. I just might cry a little.
But, don't mistake it for tears of sadness, it's certainly NOT that.
It's gonna be tears of fuckin joy, cause I am SO gorram close to freedom I might just shit my pants.

I love you MLBRC.

I'M NOT A QUITER....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME..........

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME..........

It was a beautiful day. Sun shinning. I think there may have even been some birds chirping. 

Everyone was to meet at SISTER'S house to have brunch. We all know if she is cooking it will be good.  

DANGER GIRL and I had great plans for the day. We would start off by having DANGER GIRL'S HUBBY pickup all the munchins and take them to SISTER'S house. Then we would get on our bikes and feel the wind in our hair. 

Although I was a little dehydrated and tired from the previous evenings events the ride was great. As we knew the food was great and of course the drinks were flowing. Even my LITTLE MUNCHIN was having a good time. DANGER GIRL was a little cranky. At one point she said she was going to get waisted and not bike back. Of course I thought this was just a silly notion. Why would anyone do that. Biking is great. I mean after all there are no kids on the trail. (At least not our kids.)

Instead of getting waisted DANGER GIRL decided to take a nap. I on the other hand kept right on trucking thinking I was untouchable. You know after DANGER GIRL woke up she had the dynasty to say, "FEMALE JIM, are you going to bike home." She said it with total attitude like I was drunk. hmmmm. 

Well apparently there some parts of my mother's day I missed. Like passing out at SISTER'S house and getting pictures with everyone's asses. Like telling everyone I was going to bike home after they insisted I get a ride. Like falling in the bushes while biking on the trail home. Like loosing DANGER GIRL on the trail.

I do however remember running into the side of a bridge and almost running into some trees along the trail. I also remember telling myself that I had to concentrate with everything I had otherwise I would not make it home. 

Low and behold I made it home. My TEENAGE OFFSPRING was amazed that I was able to bike home. After all I could barely walk in the door. 

I did call DANGER GIRL after I got home to find out why she disappeared while we were biking. She proceeded to tell me that I am not a good team biker and hung up on me. So off to bed I went. 

Personally, I thought it was a good Mother's Day. After all, I might be stupid but I'm no quiter. I set out to bike home and I made it. It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. And thank god I made it home with my head still attached. 

Geeze.....

It seems to be a conundrum in my life that every time I start getting a little shitty, I want to blog.. hmmm.???
Maybe I should seek counseling?

Well, this week was the beginning for 'bike to work week'.....
Needless to say, I started today. I had to go it alone cause DANGER GIRL is busy 'busying' herself with her fuckin trip to Seattle. (bitch!) (with out me, I might mention!)
I just worked up my year budget and decided that I might have to skip my yearly music festival.
FUCK!!!!
That is, if I want to take the much wanted trip to Scotland next year.. DaMN! WHY the hell can't I be independently wealthy? I poo on my ancestors for not 'brithing' me w/ a silver spoon in my wittle baby mouth!!!
crap!......
I suppose I shouldn't dwell too very much. I'm a fucking AMERICAN, right? I can make my own gorram way! I mean, that IS the American dream right??
make money.. spend it..make more money.. spend it... make more..spend it.... and on and on and on .....
I told the DR today that he would have to take 3 weeks off next year to make up for all of his ill planned, 'not coinciding with my vacation time', this year.
It's a good thing he listens. Otherwise, I think I might have to just become a vagrant.. Living off the fat O' the land... Biking from winery to winery..begging for cast off wines. Either that, or I might just have to move to Switzerland and become a sheep herder. Who knows? Hell! I'm so close to freedom I might just commandeer a ship and start pirating!! Screw you Somalians! I'll do it MY WAY!!

OH, SO...
I joined a soft ball team!
Whoo Hooo!
I am a crappy soft ball player. (To say the very least, I am mediocre at ALL sports, including, but not limited too...Frolfing, curling, golfing, tennis, bowling, soccer, darts..is that a sport? beer pong, lawn bowling, racket ball, basket ball, shuffle board, horse shoes...etc...etc...)
Well, last night during our 'double header' I was waaaaay out in left field, I realized that in all actuality I really prefer to be involved in things that:
A)you drink copious amounts O beer..
B)have no actual commitment...
C)see cute guys on a regular basis...Or, at least some firemen on a regular basis.
*(Which I totally did this morning on my ride to work, and I TOTALLY waved and blew some kisses too)**
Not too much to ask, right?
Well, I DID get a shirt. So, I suppose that means I'm sorta committed. In a sense........
I suppose.. SHIT
DAMN IT!! Why the hell do I DO THAT??
I mean, really? I really don't have enough crap to do. I should join a soft ball team. Right??
YES!!!
Maybe, that is what I'm lacking from my life. TEAM comradary.
YEPS.
THAT's it!!!

Is it ok to be resentful of yourself for doing stuff that you really don't want to do.. but, you have nothing better to do, so you do it anyway?
I mean, just to say your doing something??
Even if your just 'mildly' curious about it and would probably do better watching from the sidelines rather than actually participating??
NOOOOO!!! Fuck it!
Go! Throw yerself in 'full bore'.. just see if your knees are capable of 'running' and if your throwing arm actually ' can really' throw.. and, if your batting arm is 'just as good' as it was 6 FUCKING years ago???? hmmm???
I could be glutton.
I'll admit it.

Alright.

I'll (try to) quit ranting.
Like I said. I've had a bit to drink tonight. Not, falling down drunkin biking drunk....Like, (I hate to mention names, but...) FEMALE JIM the other night, but still.. I'm glad to be at my computer in the safety of my own home.........

beer beer beer beer beer

In an effort to stay my hand when I'm totally waisted, I decided to make an attempt at blogging instead, when I'm totally hung over!

Usually, we have girls night on Tuesdays. This has been the ritual for years. Meet up after work, drink beers, bull shit. Fun? right?
Last year when we started biking we would often stop off @ WILL'S PLACE, it was midway through the ride and far too often a good excuse to get our drink on. Well, after awhils we wound up spending practically almost every night there.
(Vicious Cycle!!!) ***ha ha biking humor *** sorry, that was lame****
Anyway, the more we biked, the more we drank. Our families were calling us alcoholics, we stopped cooking, we stopped cleaning, we stopped washing our hair..We started wearing bum clothes we found on the trails...No, seriously though, the only thing we really cared about was getting on our bikes and going long enough to justify drinking that next beer.
I know that I don't need to explain to you people that if your trying to lose weight and become true biking goddesses, drinking copious amounts of beer is NOT conducive.

In fact, I just read that even if you exercise excessively, you shouldn't crank up your intake of beer because you really haven't 'just worked it off!!' Can you fucking believe that shit? God Damn it, NOT FAIR!
It's no wonder my legs are as strong as an ox but my gut is still a gelatinous mass of gooo!(I swear! I do have a six pack under it all!)
In fact, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I remember DANGER GIRL mumbling something about, "having to work that mid section to get rid of the flab, blah blah blah...." and "maybe we should quit drinking so much beer, blah blah blah" Oh and, "drunk biking is fun til you fall down, blah blah blah...."

Sometimes I suspect she's just out to ruin my binging.

Either way. This year as the biking is starting up again we have regaled ourselves to Thursday night bike trips. We start out at my house and bike to where ever the beer may be... Last week it was 7 miles away. And, trust me! It's not fun to hop on your bike after 5 beers and ride 7 miles back the way you came.(YES, I said 5 beers, but who's counting?) Now, I did it mind you. But, it sure was difficult with my big Ol' fat belly sloshing full of beer the whole way.

Having said all of that, I think I'm going to use this year to slow down a bit on the beer. YEpS! You heard it here first folks! Straight from my fingertips to this blog.
Instead I think I'll start experimenting. Like, rather than beer, I'll drink wine or scotch or, maybe, just quit drinking all together....
WHAT???sheeit!
What the hell am I talking about?
WHO, (for that matter) AM I even talking about?
me? yeah right.

I guess I'll really have to decide after I start biking to & from work again... (next week!) That is when half way home I'll pass WILL'S PLACE and the beer will start calling my name..."SOGS! SOGS! come in and have a nice, cold, refreshing Delirium Tremmons!!"

CRAP! It's gonna be a long summer.

btw...

DANGER GIRL just pointed out to me that my drunkin rants have, "nothing to do, what-so-ever with biking." To which I replied... "like I fuckin care!"
It's my gorram blog! I will do what ever I want!
So there!
and, for the record...I RARELY partake in the ganja. In fact, it is SO rare that I don't even remember how to work that bong that lives in my closet....and the pipe that co-habitates w/my dildo's in that one drawer.
Yep. RARELY.
I mean, if ever!
Scarcely touch the stuff.
yep. practically ever...

wait.. hold on... gotta take a .. uh.. um......
*cough* cough*

NOTHING!!!!

like I was sayin...

hardly ever.

DANGER GIRL is right. I should quit drunkin blogging.

It's good to be alive.

and, YES, it is. If I really put my mind to it I think of more and more things to be thankful for.
Like, 1st) Bath time... shave your legs, trim unwanted nether region hairs, read, study..... drink champagne/wine/beer............
2nd) Good friends that look at you when your completely waisted and say, "yeah, she's like that some times! good ol' layna"....
3rd) Jobs that you really don't have to try much at.. ***I've got 2 that don't require any sorta brain power at all... I mean beyond keeping orders & people happy, it helps to alleviate my mind of all the physics and Bernoulli's theorem.......****
4th)Children leaving the house & gaining independence. Need I say more? Beyond the fact that I'm going to have to get someone to clean the cat boxes now...AND motivate me to go to the gym. crap! I'm gonna be fat forever!!!
5th)Uninterrupted weed smoking! ** the only down-fall to that is, I will have to procure my own weed from now on.(damn it!) Not like I don't know where to get it, it's just waaaay easier to find it on the ground in front of my daughters window...(cause her dumb b.f. is too stoned to realize it fell outta his pockets... ha ha ha ha ha! )

122 posts..

THAT is my goal.
You see, FEMALE JIM started a blog awhile ago and it never got past 122 posts.
When she started it, the dream was alive, it burned in our guts like fire!
Yet, 122 posts later....the magic number arrived and one stormy night it got into a really bad drunkin 'blog' accident .....No one bailed it outta jail and it spent a week there because it couldn't afford the fines. Once free the downward spiral resulted in it neglecting to arrive for court hearings and eventually (of course) skipping community service.
Not to mention, there never was a way to pay those lingering medical bills.......

SO, eventually rather than live on the dole, sucking the life force of every hard working stiff that ever got drunk and blogged, F.JIM logged on one day and (for the betterment of all mankind) pulled the plug......

No one ever held a service...

But, I want you all to know that I mourned.
I mean, not so much that I felt the need to send flowers.. still....
I mourned the loss of my drunkin forum.
My ONE outlet.
My catalyst to make all my drinkin 'ok' in the eyes of the lord. Well, AND the unwashed masses that really enjoyed living vicariously through our antics.
the story behind CHOWDER HEAD??? Now THAT is classic.
Either way. It's dead now. We all must hike up our britches and move the fuck on.

Which is what I have done.

I have 'brithed' (as MY LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD so frequently misspells it) A New! Better! More improved blog!

I know I can never replace the empty spot left by CHOWDER HEAD IS DRUNK AGAIN, but I can, at the very least give my best effort to keeping our 1 or 2 readers entertained with my bad grammar and punctuation.

Sincerely Yours,
SOME OFFICE GUYS SIDE KICK

My ass fricken hurts!

And, NO. It's not from a night of marvellous 'ass play' either. We decided yesterday that rain or shine we were getting the bikes out and riding.
So, it rained and we biked. and biked.. and biked...
Needless to say, it's totally true! If you don't use it you lose it. My sweet calloused bike ass from last summer is gone. It was replaced by some strangers ass. It's still as soft and supple as it ever was but strangely, with no tolerance for a bike seat being shoved up there. I had no clue! I figured once I had established a good firm foundation to certain items lodged between my precious cheeks, I'd be able to handle anything....
nope.
Yesterday's ride was proof of that.
Today I can barely sit, let alone think about mounting that bike again any time soon.
So please, for the love of god! SOME ONE just come and kiss my ass!
It'll make it feel better, I swear!

I know that many of you are wondering "What happened to DANGERGIRLS legs?"

Thank you to SIDEKICK for posting those pics.

The ass one is just a bonus for those of you who are on the fence about our blog. If you want to keep the loyal readers you have to show some tits and ass on occasion.

Well with the winter and all, one might say, I had a touch of "Cabin Fever".

The story goes something like this...............

I awoke one Wednesday morning, the sun was shinning, and the winter birds were singing there last song of the season. It was a day like no other.

As I was driving my youngins to school that morning, the most amazing idea came into my mind. I should go for a bike ride today.

On my return trip, I looked at the trails and thought to my self, " SELF, they are clear enough to ride!"

I had a vision in my minds eye of were I wanted my journey to take me. Somewhere with little tree coverage, and lots of sunlight.

I waited until high noon, and then ventured into my garage. It was like falling in love all over again. Hanging from the ceiling, my bike.

Diligent and patiently it had waited six months for me to return!



Here is were it gets good.....



Excited I ran to her, I clutched her handle bars. So familiar, not to big, not to small. Just the right size for my longing hands.

Excited, I slipped my leg over her ample seat, and slowly, very slowly lowered myself upon her.


As my weight was fully upon her, I looked down, making sure that the pressure was just enough. A little on the soft side, but completely and totally workable.

I carefully reached for my helmet, and cautiously placed it upon my eager head.
Without a word, I positioned her downhill, and with all of my weight, and excitement, hopped on her, and took off.

It started out as the ride of my life. She was responsive, submissive, yet dominant. I felt her need to please, her longing to be ridden hard, and be put away wet.

No more than 7 minutes into the ride of my life, she started to turn. A little at first, a slip here, a recovery, and then WHAM, the bitch , cold stone, bucked me off!

Before I knew what was happening, I was lying on the ice, pain pulsing through my entire body.

I forced myself to get it together. I got to my feet, grabbed her by the same grips I had held with care , not ten minutes before. Threw my full weight into her, and pounded her home.

It has been a week, and I miss her. It was only one bad ride.

Hey! ANYTHING to get your pants off!

Yeah, it really is.....

I have children. and not just ANY children. THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL.. wait.. Not quite, they are actually pretty good damn'd kids.
AND, I have spent the last 18 or so years trying to abuse them in the right ways. Beat them when I should, hug them when they deserved it.. making them tickle my back and massage my shoulders when ever I can finagle it. But still.
Here I sit.. Writing this blog.. Looking directly at a fucking eat'n apple core. Snuggled up like it belongs right next to my key board. I keep looking, then laughing... Thinking about where I went wrong.???
Did I fail in mentioning one day that the remainder of eaten food should probably go in the trash? I mean, hell! it's a good thing we don't live in a place like Hawaii, where the ants will invade.
We live in Alaska! The cats are NOT interested in the fuckin apple core, and for that matter neither am I!

Thank you

I know there is....like, Uh.... at least 2 committed readers..So, BTW, thanks dude/s/ettes!!!
Here's to you!
I am privileged to award.......
The first annual!!!!!!!!
Steady Fuckin Ding Dong Reader Prize.



Award it to yerself accordingly, cause personally........
I'm to lazy to do it myself.

GET your fuckin ass outta my face!

SHIT! The cat keeps walking right in front of my face.... back and forth... back and forth... making sure she pushes her ass right up under my nose.. every time. I will kill her.
soon..... I swear.

It's been a long day.
It's late.
I flew again today.
Wait.
Did I tell you people I'm learning to fly?
No?
Well, I am. It's my next career step. My Dr. is retiring someday and honestly,. I have no interest in pursuing another career in dentistry..
I neeed FREEDOM,
I know, your saying, "what about all that free floss and stuff??"
Well, fuck thAT SHIT!
I can buy my own floss. PLUS, once I master my skills I'll be able to get in a plane and leave this GOD FORSAKEN country upon a whim...
SO THERE. HA. I'll still floss. AND brush.
How many people can say that?
Well, Not me.... YET.. But soon. I'm gonna.
then, I'll give all you hillbillies $10.00 rides up and over yonder barn so you can get a thrill...

what makes it ok?

Well, I'm almost done w/ my bottle of wine and I had a thought that I may be neglecting the '1' (very special you are) reader we do have...So, here I am.
Half drunk. Half writing.. half slurring...
See??? That's what you people get! Especially when I am free to write AND espouse.. Damn, ! I need a thesaurus! Then you'll think I'm really smart! HA!
Wait. You already do, I know it!
Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part, maybe not.
Maybe it's the booze talking.
hmmmm.
I'd like to thank the lesbians that came to my house last night and left the wine I'm drinking now. Seven Daughters, California blend, pure goodness.
I like lesbians.
I also like food.
Both, make me happy. Extremely happy.
GEEEzze.!!.
Wait, I mean, cheese!
I love cheese too!
This could just turn into a list of crap I really really like. Who's stopping me???? huh? I dare you! I have knifes! and, I'll CUT YOU!
let's see.....
....................not necessarily in this order.
wine
games of all sorts
goats
cheese
vodka
baths
moisturizer
riding my bike
fires (big ones and small ones)
the woods
adventure
good books
driving cars really fast
Socratic discussion

I could go on and on....
I suppose my skewed sensibilities prevent me from writing anything too, uh....risque.... and, YES. I do have some.(sensibilities that is)
SOME. ok, ok.. a few..
I may have to search for them, but they are there.
Either way.
I do hold back somewhat, just trust me. If you people knew the half of the shitOLA I want to blather away about right now.. BOY, you'd be sorry!
You see, my problem is, I get drunk and I get all nostalgic. I start listening to meaningful music and it always seems to be the most prolifically, wonderful, best thing I've ever heard, and in turn,I want to share it with you.
(my sweet, dedicated, insightful reader)
........then inevitably, I end up babbling..
Evil, Evil cycle!
I should invest in the development of some sort of wine chastity belt. Or, maybe a finger chastity belt.

I'm feeling a bit melancholy. So. guess what??? You, the not-so-existent reader get to endure my tirades!!! AH HA HA HA!!!
You see.....I'm stuck between ash, snow, spring, and a bottle of wine that desperately needs to be drank. Of which, I have successfully drank the majority of (just tonight) and plan to finish.
Hey man
it was there sayin, "drink me" and other stuff like, "I've just been sitting here.. gathering dust.." also
"2004!?? That's a great year! Especially for Shiraz from Australia"
So..........
Stop me!
I dare you people!

BTW, experimenting is a wonderful idea. I highly encourage everyone to try it.
In what ever capacity you choose, of course. Actually, blow shit up for all I care. It makes life exciting.
For me, I like to experiment w/food. ALL sorts. Anything and everything, I think, "hmmm....?? What? if anything, can I do to make this delectable?".....
Can I add butter? olive oil? 'TRUFFLE' oil? Wine? beer? BRANDY??????? MORE butter? shallots? onion? peppers.... spices?
The list goes ON & ON & ON..........
That is my kinda science!
Lately though, I've been trying to focus my energy toward what I, as (my true, "I") really want outta life.

What the hell DO I want?

I DO know it HAS to have something to do w/all of the following, but not limited too....cheese/cordial making....making sumptuous dishes......drinking copious amounts of wine/homemade beer...cooking for the majority of the day.....paragliding....reading every book ever written (that's worth a shit.)....boat drinks.....raising a small herd of goats(fainting is acceptable)...tending a garden that feeds people.......bird watching......boating......traveling to any place I choose.....fishing.....building the largest fires known to mankind.......and last, but certainly NOT the very least, philanthropy.

Holding Hands

So, the debate continues on. Can men and women JUST be friends? A certain significant other of a certain sibling on mine insists that men have two types of girl friends... ones they've fucked and ones they have not fucked yet.
I think that perhaps he has a point. Time and time again I am convinced that ALL men think that they are, regardless of shape, size, looks, age, or employment status, the most desirable creatures in the universe and all women will, at some time, want to drop trau for them.
Take for instance a situation I was privy to on a recent outing with a group of friends.
I witnessed a reunion of two old friends, one a man the other a woman. They chatted for a bit and it was obvious that they were faint acquaintances. As the evening progressed the man reached out and caressed the womans' hand, to which the woman looked a bit taken aback and then completely shocked and uncomfortable as the man went further and began to hold her hand.
The woman laughed nervously and on several occasions found some way to remove her hand from the clammy clasp of her predator only to have him pursue the hand holding with greater determination. Hell, I felt uncomfortable for the poor gal!
How the evening ended for these two reunited souls, we will never know, but it does add fodder to fire of the "friend" debate.
What is a girl to do when faced with an aggressive pursuer to whom one does not wish to seem rude? Should she have jerked her hand away and shouted "what the fuck?"
I kinda wish she would have because it would have been a lot more fun!
What goes through a mans' mind when he knows a girl IS just his friend, has a boyfriend, and has in no way given any indication that she wants to fuck him, let alone hold his greasy paw?
Perhaps men and women cannot just be friends or, perhaps its just men who have the issue with delineation between friendship and fucking.

Spring, My Ass

What to say, what to say? It has been aaaaaaa LOOOOOOONNNNGGGGG fucking winter. It is "Spring Break". Yeah, my ass! I drove to work this morning and it was white out conditions on the highway. Is that any one's idea of Spring? Well in "The Great AK" it is. WTF!??


I have kept myself busy, mind you.

As you know we (SIDEKICK and I) joined the gym.

Now, in NO WAY is this anything like the open road. I don't get to feel the breeze, from the open road. NO, no, no, it is more like stale asbestos that falls from the ceiling of a rather old establishment. Exciting, but still not quite the same.

So to keep myself in shape, I take a class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Not just any class mind you, this class kicks my sweet ass.

And YES, it is still sweet from all of that summer biking! Any whoo, this class is great. For making you wish you would die before it was over, just so you would not have to finish it!

The name of this great class is "Sweat Shop with Andre". And really, I think that about sums it up. No lies in that title.

Well, Andre is a very buff, man of color. AKA: He is black (said in a whisper) Which gives him the advantage of ...... Rhythm .
I know, I know , imagine that.

That being said, his class is filled with all 30, 40, something women, Oh and also (said in a whisper)......one gay guy. Not very many of them have any moves! And, did I mention that this is a dance aerobics class with a whole lot of wanting to die mixed in???

A couple of these gals have been at it for a few years, so they do have a little rhythm,.... Now! After years!!!! While most of us don't got what we need.

One gal, while fit and somewhat rhythm gifted, can bust a move, and works it to the fullest, but this poor gal has the worst case of Flying Squirrel Arms this side of the Mississippi. Another gal thinks she's got moves coming from the gods. But, Oh My God! Wow, I get scared when I have to work out next to her. Then, of course, the only (whisper) black gal, has got moves that would make Janet Jackson take notice.

Either way, I am not sure what the heck goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays,but man do I get a bad case of the, need to farts. (While that is all fine and dandy, I prefer not to do it in public places.) My biggest fear is that while the music is mellow,and we are working on our abs one of those little bubbles is gonna come down the shoot, and despite my attempts at holding it in, will escape. Making for a loud and embarrassing scene.

But, by far the worst part about this class is, the need for a sports bra. These damn contraptions, are made by a man. (I'm sure of it!) My size D's, were not meant to be held up by small straps that are anchored at the base of my neck and shoulders.
These fucking things have to be put on over the head, and to get the girls in them, you have to have had contortionist classes.

First smash them, then, lift and puuuuullllllll them into place. Repeat other tit.

Once in this god damn thing, you can move and shake, and the girls just bounce along. Less than if you did not wear one, but still not enough. Sorta like putting your titties on a shelf and then jogging.



Gals with boobs larger than a B are not meant to run!!!

All of this aside, there is nothing I would like more now, than a good long ride. Rain or Shine!

It's fucking snowing.....

AGAIN! geeze! When will it ever end? When will I be free to ride the trails on my sweet bike? When will I be able to flip off my car while leaving it behind in a trail of dust??? When will I be able to bask in the sunlight without 15 layers of clothing???....

All the patients keep saying, "it's almost spring." Oh yeah??? Have you taken a little gander out-fucking-side lately?
It's NOT like spring, it's like fucking WINTER!

Right now I'm going outside to go make a snow fort, climb in and go to sleep.

Don't wake me up til' it really is spring.

In Singapore it's like 90 right now....

Ok. It's March already. I'm patiently waiting for the days to become warmer. I am seeing signs of spring though. Like when I leave the gym @ the ass crack of dawn it's actually light out. Or, when I sleep in til 8:30am on the weekends, it's full on bright out day by then. Also, when we walk everyday @ lunch (even though it's been like 20 the last week) I can't help but see tell tale signs of spring.
Now, GORRAM IT if only the fricken weather would catch up!

On a whole other subject, I'd like to chat about gas.........
Not the kind that goes into your lawn mower or snow machine, or even your car. The kind that blows outta yer anus. The kind that stinks to high heaven, or if your DANGER GIRL it just trumpets out your ass like a fog horn never to be heard from again or even smelled. You see, the reason for this diatribe is due to the fact that, (beyond DANGER GIRL just letting one loose in the other office that got me to thinking about it in the first place) I eat copious amounts of garlic. I'm very serious. You see, I eat, let's say, possibly 40-100 cloves of fresh/cut/sliced/cooked/mashed/etc etc... garlic a week...
Of course given my mood and how much I really cook.
But,
I'm trying really hard to figure a use for all this extra gas that emanates from my bung hole due to the shit ton of garlic I consume.

I mean, could this be the solution to our national crises? Could my ass air solve our national deficit? Would my flatulence save all of the failing car dealerships?Maybe I should call up Obama and offer my 'wind service' to help with our energy crises, Lord knows I could use some help with my gas bill.

Or, maybe I'm contributing to that hole in the "ozone" everyone keeps talkin about.

Geeze.....

This is quite the conundrum.

I'm going to have to think a bit more and get back to you.

In the mean time, you'd best cover your noses.

Crap!

I just started reading some of the past blogs and I must say..... I think I might have a real problem w/ sweat. It's not just a constant in my blogging, but in my life. I apologize to the millions of non-existent readers out there. I very well may have recently flung some sweat on you.

Please bring your towels next time.
Sincerely yours,
SOME OFFICE GUYS SIDEKICK

I'm sweltering!

FUCK! It's hot! DANGER GIRLS' MINI ME stayed home from school today and she even said she was sweaty. Now, don't get my wrong. It's not like it's even hot outside. As a matter of fact it's currently a balmy 47 degrees.
It's the in-doors that's killin me. I just checked the temperature gauge and it's reading a cool 80....in the shade.
This is kinda like hell on earth for me. I wish everyone would give up those damn preconceived notions about clothing. If that could only happen, hell! I'd be nekked ALL the time...... But. Sadly, NO. It'll never happen. Especially in these days, in these here Americas.

So here I sit. Sweaty.

Sweaty in my pits.
Sweaty in my in between places.
Sweaty in my shoes.
My neck is even sweaty..

Now, I must admit. I have been sweatier. Many times. Often when I was riding my bike last summer. More oftener when I am having a wild romp in the sack. Occasionally when I have a really large poop.
In fact now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that I've already blogged about it before.. Waaaay back last year.


hmmm...... Seems to be a reoccurring theme with me.
Ahhh well.
You can never talk enough about some things.

i'm drunk.........

But really, what's new? NOTHING!!! I spend my time drinking. getting drunk. working out. getting drunk. eating things that make me fat. drinking more, then drinking some more.... What the FUCK?????
OK, So.... I have NO self control.
I DO like to think of myself as an attractive woman. BUT.....Am I? Really???????
Well.....YES!! Of course I am!!!
I mean it's all about positive thinking, right???????

GEEEEEzzzzze!!!!!

I met a fortune teller tonight!

She looked at me and told me in a round-about-way what I thought I was thinking. Now, is that a coincidence or just pure luck? Was I just susceptible to her sayings?
I think not. This gal was good.
I tend to believe in cosmic things, SO I believe it was sorta cosmic. She told me that I, "Just needed to let go." That, "I've been wanting to leave, yet, 'the people I love' I'm afraid that they won't come with me.......Well, she assured me that when I make the decision to go, that 'they' will follow....

Now, get me straight. This woman didn't know me from frickin Adam. Yet, she was,Spot On.
Either way. There are so many other things to be told. But, Iz GOTZ to go to bed!
So,Ciao for NOW.

Pent up and need to ride

Well it has been awhile since my last post. No biking, no material .

I so miss my bike! The gym is not the same.

Well speaking of the gym, I have seen some strange things. One time after an agonizing workout, I go in the locker room to change and well, there is this lady sitting on a bench.

No wait it gets better,


She is a somewhat large lady, all hunched over trying to look at her Whoo Haaa. I don't(or can't) believe she knew I was coming. WOW! Do that stuff at home people. That is why they sell full length mirrors.

When ever I am driving, and I see bums the memories just flood back. I miss my sore ass, crotch cramp, and everything else associated with biking.

I feel like the lack of yelling at people in their cars is causing me to take it out on innocent bystanders. Hey, Fuck You!

Oops see what I mean. Nothing personal, just pent up and need to ride.

I had a dream, I had an awesome dream!

I dreamt that I was walking down a snowy bike trail and a bum with a very large dog walked by me and bit me on the arm.(the bum, NOT the dog)
Then I turned over....
And dreamt that I was driving a snow machine with a trailer attached, that had a bunch O booze on it, in the Toy-Z-R-crust parking lot trying to find a camping spot. The only thing was, was that the parking lot was already full of bums camping out and I was afraid that if I stopped the bums would attack me and drink all my booze.
It made me reminiscent of our bum family....
I'm not really into analyzing my dreams too much, but this one sorta perplexed me.
(I only really try to when they are really interesting..like when I dreamt about riding the flying toilet)
I mean, I GET the booze part and I get the being in the winter part, but the rest?
I think maybe my was my brain trying to cope with this frigid weather, (I mean shit!can it get any colder?) and maybe the bum reference was to summer and my longing for it?
Either way. Blurp.
I'm looking forward to my eyelashes not freezing up on our daily walk, and I'm also really looking forward to the day when I don't have to start my car 30 minutes before I leave. (Thank god gas prices are somewhat cheaper these days)

Oh, and I dream of my bike too.

Right now it's all lonely and cold in the shed. It's just waiting for me to open the doors, tune it up and start riding again, I just know it.
What a happy day that will be!