I forgot my Pants!!!!

All week it has been raining intermediately.
This morning seems to be the most we've been rained on though.
I really couldn't tell you what I was thinking this morning when I left my house with out an extra change of clothes. I have my jacket draped over the air conditioner and my pants are hanging over a fan.
My hair is still wet too.

I thought about porky pigging around the office, but I really don't think the patients would appreciate my ass hanging out.
(Albeit, I will admit that it is becoming a very sweet ass!)

I like the idea of facing the elements and all, but this is getting to be a little much. SISTER even said, "you guys are crazy to be riding in this stuff!".
She very well may be on to something!
But, any whoo....speaking of crazy......

Yesterday, when we were heading home we stopped off @ WILLS PLACE to warm the cockles of our hearts with beer. Like I've said before, WILL is a hard core biker. He does not fuck around. Well, WILL and some other HCB's were talking shop. It was like they were speaking a totally different language.
Here is a sampling of some of the words they were just 'throwin around':
Fork
Titanium, (expensive but lighter! ~ I learned that!)
Downhill Rig
48lb Banger
Internal Hub
Planetary gearing....
WHAT????????
That's just naming a few.
DANGER GIRL and I were trying to pick up as much as we possibly could so we too will sound cool when we talk about our bikes.
However, in the end both of our heads were spinning.. We came to the conclusion that although we may consider ourselves (ah hem...)bikers. No matter what we say, we really are NOT bikers.
They have their own cult. They ride down mountains. They talk about how they would like to get their bikes under 40lbs so they can have "sick rides". They ride in the winter time. They don't even own cars!!!!

All I can really say to that is....
There is no way in hell I'm riding a bike in the winter time.
You can't make me!!!!

Shit, I'll be happy to make it home today in the pouring rain!

Oh Well, hell...At least I can porky pig at home!

Accepting Donations

Well , as I have been a witiness of recent bike debacalls. I can attest to the fact that chains coming off and flat tires, really suck! I was greatfull for my not so great bike, that gets me around. However since SIDEKICK has had her bike tuned up, it makes mine seem even MORE sucky. While SIDEKICK with her 3 speeds can go at warp speed, I am stuck on suck speed with my 21 speed that has a working 9 gears. I console myself by telling myself that when I get a nice bike I too will be fast as lightning.

So that being said I am excepting any and all donations! If you have a good bike that collects dust, or an over abundance of cash please feel free to donate to my cause! I at this point am not above accepting any and all of your gifts.

Thursday morning we awoke to a heavy downfall of rain. That did not deter SIDEKICK or myself from continuing to stick it to THE MAN. As we traveled to work we rode thru rivers, creeks and small oceans. Due to the lack of fenders on my sucky bike I was left to ride alone. SIDEKICK was not partial to all of the mud and water splashing in her fabulous face as we traversed our ways to our daily slave labor . I guess I can not blame her on that one.

When we arrived we were completely and totally soaked! In hopes of having dry clothes for the ride home we draped our soaking wet attire over every single fan that we could find. To my dismay at the end of the day, I pulled my pants on only to discover that I would infact be riding home with a wet ass! Oh well, it only sucked a little. The adventure of riding in the rain was worth a wet ass.

I'd rather be riding my bike

On Fridays I have a class in Eagle River and while I am an avid biker and consider myself to be somewhat fit, I cannot get to E.R. at 9am in a reasonable amount of time on my bike. (I actually haven't tried, it's just a hunch)
SO, I drive.
Now, since I've started riding my bike I have found myself embracing a growing disdain for driving. It's easy to criticize those in cars while riding down the sidewalk on two wheels, unprotected, because let's face it, people drive like shit and pay little to no attention to bike riders.
But jeezus christ! I had dump trucks trying to turn into me, people blatantly running red lights in the middle of a busy intersection in front of me, and several examples of complete disregard for all rules of the road, much less human life, while operating a motor vehicle.
I feel safer on my bike.
I've fallen off my bike at full speed and had a lot of flesh come in contact with the pavement once or twice before and let me tell you, I would take that experience any day over being crushed and potentially permanently maimed by some dumb ass in a dump truck (that was "his caring hands" christian lawn service).
So, I feel as if I should just say it again,
I feel safer on my bike.

Cover your ears children..

Yesterdays ride to the "new" bike shop..

Me: "FUCK! My chain is off. Shit! DANGER GIRL, I need some help."
DANGER GIRL: "Turn it over. FUCK! Piece of Shit! Mother fucker! Fuck!
ME: "Here let me try. FUCK! God damn mother fucking piece of crap! Common!
Let me get my screw driver out."
DANGER GIRL: "You know why your chain keeps falling off? Cause this hunk of shit was made in China. Look. Right there, it says it..."
ME: "GOD. fuck. SHIT. Oh, ok there we go..."

2 feet later....

ME: FUCK! I can't stop. Oh fuck!! I'm gonna crash! Ok..... Turn this fucker over again.. DANGER GIRL help me! I've already got the screw driver out! NO! Put the front on first. Alright! Here we go again!"

15 feet later....

ME: "FUCK!! This is getting old. I'm gonna throw this fucking bike into traffic. Either that, or the chain is gonna come off and I'll just careen straight into it and die."
DANGER GIRL: "Don't worry SIDEKICK, it'll soon be over. Let's just limp it along.. There we go!"

30 feet from the bike shop.....

ME: "GOD DAMN IT! FUCK! That is it! I bet those sons-of-bitches bike jockeys are in there laughing at me. I can't believe I paid SO much fucking money for this lemon. They are gonna get it. I'm going to make them pay for my suffering. They will now witness the WRATH OF SIDEKICK!!!"
DANGER GIRL: "Almost! Common!"




Today: I LOVE my bike again!

Walk your bike. I dare you!

Whelp. It's been six weeks. (We've actually started in on our 7th)
Last Thursday I had the great pleasure of experiencing a flat tire.
Lucky for us we were just passing WILLS PLACE when it happened.
Now, let me tell you a little about WILL. WILL is a biker extraordinaire. He is the Ultimate! He bikes everywhere, EVEN in the winter! And, Oh dear GOD, don't even let me get started on how large and muscular his thighs are...and talk about a sweet, sweet ass. I'd let him crush me anytime!
.....Any way.........
WILLS PLACE also just happens to be where we drink beer every Tuesday. So, my getting a flat in front of it was like the cosmos telling me to go in and have a drink. Right?
Well, we did.
**(WILL pumped my tire up, but to no avail)
DANGER GIRL was the best friend a girl could ask for that day. I figured she'd be doing circles around me on her bike, but nope. She insisted that since we biked together, we would also walk our bikes together.
Thanks again DANGER GIRL.
Let me say, it is a hell of a lot harder to push a bike than ride it. THAT you can be sure of. 3 miles to the bike shop, dripping sweat and cursing all the glass on the trails was no pleasant task.
And guess what???
When we rounded the corner to the bike shop we realized that they had conveniently moved!!!!
TOTAL FUCKERS!
They hadn't bother mentioning that little fact to me when I had called them 2 days prior. NOOOOOO. Not one gorram word! So, rather than walk our bikes the 18+ blocks to the "new" shop we just kept on walking on home.


Going 5 miles in 30 minutes is great. Going 5 miles in 2 hours totally sucks!

Either way. I'm still alive.
So, here's to 6 weeks of biking! Yay for us.

They just keep getting cooler!

I also bought these sweet valve caps for DANGER GIRLS bike.

I'm a real biker!

I finally received the bike bell I ordered 3 weeks ago! It's fricken awesome! I am now becoming an obsessive bell ringer.

Watch Out World!

I have to agree with Sidekick on the camping trip. Tons of fun. Thank Goodness for my dope lesbian carhart (given to me by real lesbians, NOT the fake kind) it saved MOST of my backside from 3rd degree burns.

Being able to pee from a ten foot, broken down tree was quite the accomplishment.

This week starts week 6 and not without its own excitement. While at camping I acquired a sweet pocket sized air horn! (Which I have attached to the handle bars of my bike!)
Yesterday, I got to use that sweet air horn.
As we were approaching the corner where CRAZY DANCING GUY works, there it was, glimmering in the sun, with my hands shaking and my body tensed, I reached over and gave her a big long loud blow.
The reaction I was hoping for from CDG was that he would be SO startled that he would jump 10 feet in the air, screaming like a little girl and maybe pee his pants. But noooooo, he did not even hear me! So, left with no other choice, SIDEKICK and I made a mad peddling dash past him.
Thankfully he did not knock us into traffic. (this time)

Now, I am waiting for that perfect opportunity to blow my air horn at some unsuspecting driver that does not see me. Seeing the shear horror on someones face, maybe THEY will scream like a little girl and pee their pants for me, as I laugh my way home.
Watch out world, DANGER GIRL has an air horn!

I LOVE camping!!!

Campin! Campin Campin!
This weekend was SO much fricken fun.. Almost too much!

We arrived on Friday morning. It was gorgeous out side. Like, 90 degree gorgeous!
and, I (of course) immediately started drinking beers. I biked down by the river and basked in the sun til it went away.
*Now, I do want to segue here and just say.. I am a white girl. I DO NOT tan. So, basking in the sun is not really the greatest idea, but when your camping, getting drunk and hangin on the beach.... Well, need I say more?
N E Whoo.. Tore it up that first night. (to be honest, I don't really remember much about it either)Well, except somehow DANGER GIRL landed in the fire with me on top of her. She got a nasty burn while I escaped unscathed.. SO Sorry again bout that DANGER GIRL!
Got up the next day, had my mandatory Brandy Kahlua Coffee and started the day off just right.
SISTER, BROTHER and I rode 5 miles to the nearest bar and I had a really shitty Bloody Mary.
There is nothing worse than biking 5 miles in hot weather, the whole time dreaming of the type of Bloody Mary that makes you want to shit your pants, then getting there, all sweaty with anticipation and being totally disappointed.
Either way, I didn't let it deter me one bit. I slugged it down and switched to beer.A couple hours later we headed back to camp.
From there it gets pretty blurry..
I know at one point DANGER GIRL climbed a 10 foot tree to pee off of it.(successfully, I might add) Then I climbed it, and immediately fell into her pee. But, I wasn't gonna let it get the best if me. I got right back up there and fell right back off.
Then, SISTER and OTHER BROTHER decided (with our egging) to climb up and pretend they were monkeys. That lasted a few armpit scratches before the tree broke and they landed on their heads.
Poor OTHER BROTHER, he boar the brunt though. He landed on the broken tree stump and his face got smashed with the broken tree. ALL while I laughed so hard I almost pissed my pants.
After that debauchery I was about finished. I rode my bike back to my camp under the pretense of getting yet Another drink and instead snuggled into the back of the truck w/ MINI ME.
Oh yeah, while I was getting into the truck I farted. I then proceeded to drunkenly wake up MINI ME by lamenting to her... Over and over, " GOD! That smells SO bad!! Can you smell that?" Finally she yelled, "WE have established it smells bad! Now GO TO SLEEP!"
In the morning I woke up about 8am. I could barley move, I was broken, bruised, sun burned and I'm pretty sure I counted about 40 mosquito bites.
I was also convinced that death was going to take me in the form of a wicked ugly hangover.
Not to mention it was raining to beat the band.
Needless to say, we had our truck packed, the bikes hitched and were ready to skedaddle by 9am.
When I got home I spent the day in bed. Recovering.
It's now Tuesday and I am finally feeling human again.
I LOVE camping!!

Still stickin it to the MAN

How the heck do I manage to do this every day? With summer upon us, I have taken to drinking heavily EVERY fuckin day! Boy, Oi vey ! Somebody please don't stop me. I take solace in knowing that all of this exercise will save me from liver disease. lung cancer, and whatever else you can acquire from so many bad habits.

Today closes the end of 5 weeks and 20 rides. This makes 100 miles that we have traveled to work. (What the fuck do I work for?) I am not sure if I am stickin it to the MAN, or if the fuckin MAN is stickin it to me.

Things that I have noticed along the way:

A better butt!!!!!!

Large muscular thighs! (I am going to need bell bottoms for my thighs, Bell Thigh Jeans)

Dick Head Mother Fucker Drivers that give no shit for the lowly Biker Chick just trying to stick it to the MAN!

The Bums on Bum trail ride road. ( I made that name up myself)

Costco Vodka is very heavy in your backpack.

The beer drinking store is waaaaaay to convenient on the ride home. ( 1 beer means like 3)

Sex is more fun when your thighs are burly!

You want to have way more sex, and in new positions, because you can suspend yourself from the counter tops in ways you never could before.

And on that note I think I have said way more than I should have, and will sign out for now.

The Time Has Come!

To talk of many things.. Of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, and cabbages and kings!!

We're off for our annual 4Th O' July camping trip this weekend. Whoo Hoo!!! This is what we live for, what keeps us sane through the long dark winter days ahead.
It is time to burn shit and get drunk!
It is time to make those memories that we rehash year after year.
It is time for canned beer and hot dogs.
It is time for burnt marshmallows and staying up all night.
Thank goodness chef SISTER will be joining us this time. She always brings the BEST food.
We are planning on taking a big 14 mile bike trip that I'm sure is gonna kill me.
But... We'll still be camping so it won't really matter. I'll nurse my sore body with booze and I'm planning on making MINI ME be my bartender.
It's going to be fricken awesome!

Pure, blatant road rage

I can attest that yes, SIDE KICK was a wee bit tipsy and yes she did swerve a little, but not much!
Do you recall the Asian lady who tried to run all three of us over, that you and DANGER GIRL swore at, shook your fists and kicked at the front end of her car?
It was quite the display of bike rage and I personally laughed my ass off! You should have seen the look on that woman's face!
I sincerely believe her life was forever changed by that event. I bet she thinks twice before racing into a cross walk without looking first! Hell, I imagine everyone who witnessed the event will think twice!
Way to go ladies! Terrifying the city one driver at a time! I'm happy to be a part of this crew!

Drunk Biking

I am a drunk biker. Every Tuesday we head over to WILS PLACE and drink lots O beer. Yesterday was no exception. I drank 4. And let me tell ya, these beers are loaded with alcohol and they are deeeelicious!
Luckily for me DANGER GIRL and SISTER were there to watch me swerve down the trail home. I probably should have gotten a DWR(drunk while riding)ticket. I am fortunate that, A)I can't really remember it.B)I didn't crash. C)I was able to actually make it home!
And, I am paying dearly for it today.
Lord help me!

Oh, and BTW....

I was very pleased yesterday when riding down Northern Lights, the traffic was backed up from Lk Otis to Latouche... I reveled in the thought that all those people idling in traffic were just waisting money.. While, I, the lowly biker was spending no money what so ever AND getting to my destination faster than a speeding bullet.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA
Take THAT, MAN!

For the love of God people!!!!

Why the fuck is it that when people are turning on a one way street do they only look one way????
I'm gonna take all you cock suckers to school right now.
When, let's say, your turning right onto a one way street, please, for the sake of all that is holy in this god forsaken world, take one fucking second to turn your stinken beady little eyes to the left. Look down the walk way. Look for, Oh, I don't know?, possibly the random pedestrian, or maybe, just maybe, a fucking biker!!!!!
I can't tell you how many times yesterday I had to come to a screeching halt when some stupid mother of a bastard decided that they just weren't far enough in the cross walk to see the on coming traffic.
I am currently making, FUCK OFF & DIE stickers.
The next time I have to pass a car that has not taken the time to either look the other way, or is all the way in the cross walk, (forcing me to ride in the street into on coming traffic...) I swear, You will end up with one of those stickers on your hood.