First real ride.

I'm totally stoked.
I made it all the way to work and surprisingly my ass feels indifferent to the pounding it took this morning. And, NO.... for all you pervs out there, it was not due to anything entering my butt, beyond my skinny little bike seat.
I started out really good. Glorious morning, I'm feeling that muscle memory coming back almost instantly. Very little wind.
Bike feels good.
I feel good.
About a quarter of the way I have to remind myself that this is not a race. I need to pace myself if I want to make it up all those dreaded hills and the 'what seem like forever' stretches of sidewalk.
I realized this morning that the reason half the bikers I encounter on the trail don't say, "hi" to me is because they are in their own states of misery. I get it that some bikers ride for the pure pleasure of it, others.. Well....Like me, I ride because I'm fat and out of shape, and it's summer and what the hell else am I gonna do for exercise? I ride because if I didn't, I'd weigh like 800lbs..
(What with all the boozing and eating I do.)
These guys are out there biking each morning, trying to get where they are going as fast as they can. They have no time (or breath) left to utter any sort of simple pleasantries to their fellow commuters.
However, Me?.. I love whizzing by someone and no matter how outta breath I am, yelling, "Top O the Mornin to ya!", or, something along the lines of, "Evenin' Gov'na!".
It brightens my day.
I had this fantasy about riding so fast that I would be a blur to people's vision. Well, it morphed into a pack of midgets cheering me on, spurring my legs to spin those pedals, whipping me into a biking frenzy. *Little oxygen and heavy breathing does that to you. That, and the thought of your heart imploding whilst cresting every god forsaken hill.*
Then I imagined what I truly look like. A girl sweating her ass off, trudging down the road at speeds so slow a big fat man....eating a hamburger....running backward...would pass up.
Well, maybe that's stretching it a little, but trust me, it sure feels like it when I'm going 2 miles and hour, up hill ...pumping the shit out of my flabby little legs!
No No, really... They are LEGS OF STEEL!I will CRUSH someones head with them!!
Yeah, yeah! THAT's what I'll keep telling myself.

I've kept it all inside.

So, another day. Another dollar.

Well......today, I think I've earned my dollars.
I often stop and wonder, why? Why do things come around that cause me to.. Pause?... Why do I have to question man kind?
Why do I have to doubt the kindness, Or yet, presume to trust my fellow man?...
I suppose that I could surmise that all men have an unfailing belief in man kind, as a general. I could daydream the prospect of one day just REALLY being able to trust. I could also dare to supposition that the only thing every man really, truly wants is a kindred-ship, a brotherhood (so to speak) with one another.
To trust and be trusted.
To love and be loved.
Right?
Isn't THAT what it's all about?
I guess I'm not so sure anymore.
The longer I live, the less I feel inclined to share those feelings with the masses.
I've become jaded. Harsh, some might say.
More to the point though, I've become disillusioned with people in general.
Mostly I find that the 'Not listening' and 'Hearing only what you want to hear' really is getting to me.
So, let's say that we all just stop and listen for a day?
Unless you're asked a question, you spend one f-in day not saying a Gorram word..
It could be an experiment.
I'd be interested in what people thought, if it actually taught the general public, something...... Anything!!!! anything beyond being selfish ass holes only concerned with BEING heard.
Every one's got a point to make. Everyone has something to say.
If everyone just shut the fuck up for a minute, everyone just might get what you're trying to convey to the rest of the world.
WOW.. I'm on the box tonight! Sorry, weed does that to ya.
I mean, weeds growing in your back yard.
Yeah, THAT's the ticket!
I promise to blog about biking soon.

THIS is a slug.

I dare someone to eat it.

Geeze! OK.

Time and time again I find myself reminiscing about the old times. When CHOWDER HEAD was a common nomenclature. When F.JIM was handing out JIM bags, when DANCING QUEEN was dancing her way to stardom.
When any day of the week you may find any one of us drunk, stumbling around and doing all sorts of funny and indescribable acts. hmmmm.....
Where did the time go?
DANGER GIRL has rallied, and I'm here in answer.
It's sunny outside today,COLD and sunny. If I had more motivation, (not to mention, balls) I would consider getting my bike out. Unfortunately I have neither, so I think I'll stay inside all warm and cozy like.
Tonight is girls night. I like girls night.
Usually.

An Appeal To Your Creative Sides

Here I go again, trying to put new fire into our dying blog........

I make you go rock climbing, and still nothing!

SIDEKICK, you, end up having your hand sucked up to almost the top of the damn wall! And still nothing.

FEMALEJIM, you nearly pissed yer pants, as your fear of heights, took hold of you! And still nothing.

Nothing! Not a god damn thing from you bitches!

We have had adventure!

We have had laughs!

What we have not had, is anybody blogging about their experiences.

FEMALEJIM and I went winter biking with my BIKEWIDOWER

Still nothing.....No funny stories of me chucking my guts in your driveway, nope not a one!

Biking with a 16lb bowling ball in your backpack, that is funny shit.

Come on Gals, reach deep, find your juice, or sauce, or whatever! Please come back......

Dear $4.09 Gals, You Suck, and WTF!

Well, well, well! What a disappointment this blog has become. We used to have passion, joy and witty things to post.

Now what? We just let it fail and take a back seat? I don't think so!!!!! Ladies let's get with the program here.

Ok, so it's not biking season! So fucking what?

SIDEKICK, what happened to yer drunk epiphanies? I know you are not sober all the time! WTF!

FEMALE JIM, what about you??????? You are biking! In the winter no less! What!? Do I have to run you over with my black GMC, in order to get yer ass to post a thing or two. Again, WTF!

SISTER, you are the only one, that may have some kind of an excuse. Seein as yer goin to college and all! But still come on! Dietary can be funny. Right?

Well anyways ladies, if we don't have anything to write about, then we are NOT living like we should be!

What happened to sticking it to THE MAN!

BEING FREE!

MIDGET PORN!
(whoops, nothing)

GREAT ADVENTURES!

Oh yeah!
And GETTING STONED!

Consider, my friends, coming rock climbing with me.
It would be fun!
We would laugh, a lot!
And maybe, just maybe, one of you bitches would post about it!



Faithfully yours, and bored out of my gourd,
DANGERGIRL

P.S. I just want to live a little before I die!

A friendly note to my Homeowners Association

I would like to share a letter with you, written to my Homeowners Association. This has nothing to do with biking, but I feel it is worthy of sharing.

To whom it may concern:

I would like to take a moment to apologize, for not addressing all of the 5 citations in a more timely manner.Let me address them now.

Citation #1
Trash can in front of garage

Resolution:
Corrected day of notice

Citation #2
Trash can on balcony $200.00 fine, do to previous offense

Resolution:
Contacted your office via E-mail stating that 1) it is not a trash can 2) it has been on my porch for 6 yrs. 3)these are not the same offenses there for I should not receive this fine of $200.00

Your response:
To send me a letter arriving after the date, stating I had missed my hearing

My response:
How can I attend a hearing I have no idea I am supposed to be at days before. I apologize, but my time machine is broken, and Micheal J. Fox is backed up, do to his illness.

Citation #3
My grass is to brown

My response:
I am not fucking Mother Nature, and cannot control the sun to rain ratio. I was going to stop by Lowes and pick up some harmful chemicals, and fertilizer, but do to time constraints that I will address later, it was difficult . Also I would like to remind you that for 9 months out of the year my yard is piled with the neighborhoods snow, thus the 3 months it has to grow, are a little rough.

Citation #4
Not stating in writing my intention to paint $500.00 fine

My response:
Due to my dyslexia, sometimes I don't completely, comprehend things that I read. I know, I know, not excusable . How ever 500.00 bucks is pretty stinkin steep. How am I supposed to pay a painter when you fine me half the cost of painting. further more, I had a shiest y Mexican on the line , but he took the neighbors money, and ran back to Tijiauana to get some more blo.

Citation #5
Removing the wire runner line from my front porch $100.00 fine

My Response:
Article VII Section 7.2 only states that I will maintane my fence, and porch. It says nothing to the effect of the wire runner. Upon inspection I find it to be in good working order, not rusty and able to withstand the impact of my 125lb pooch charging at full speed. I recomend your snitch attach themselves to it, and run at full speed, I am sure they will find it in good working condition.

In closing, I would like to say, I am sorry for not addressing these issues in more depth sooner. The summer has slipped away from me. These issues you have with my unit, have unfortanatly taken a backseat to the hum drum, of my everyday life.

What with dealing with the attempted suicide of my drug addicted , psychopathic, mother, and the unfortunate need for her to come "home".

Let me also not forget my dear friend, the self proclaimed alcoholic, who flipped her truck a week later. Now I am her bitch, and have even more errands to run.

Oh yeah, and the sudden, and tragic death of my beloved kitty Ernie, if I would have known that he would have been dead by midnight, I would have let him suffer, and die at home, instead of spending my painting money on trying to save him.

So at the end of a long day, working sometimes 10 and 12 hour days, I try to convince the kids, that watering our brown lawn is fun, they disagree, demanding dinner, and my attention.

Thank the Gods, for the rain, it has helped to relieve one small burden for me.

So, fuck off , and die! Stay the fuck away from my yard, and when I remove my runner line , I will teach my Mastiff to shit in your yard.

Fuck off!
DANGERGIRL

Dear SIDEKICK........

So SIDEKICK keeps bloging saying how she wants to be a pothead. Well let me tell you, my loyal reader, that is not the case! For two days, I have been trying to get her to smokeses the weed with me, and to my dismay, she will not.

This leaves me to smokeses the weed alone...... (so sad) Well don't get me wrong, she hangs with me in the woods, and helps to fend off The Rabid Bear Dog. But alas, I still smoke.

So I get into my stoned, biking groove, alone. (insert weeping here)

I have amazing epiphanies, I find the rhythm of the peddling to be soothing to my frazzled nerves. And all the while, I imagine that my loyal biking partner, is on the same page.

Well to my regret, she is not, and has no idea, what the hell I am trying desperately to explain to her, nor does she have the time, or patience to listen. Dirty Bitch!

SIDEKICK, this time it is I, DANGERGIRL, that is reaching out to you. You, my loyal biking, drinking, and potsmoking friend, are SLIPPING!

Your just not the same dedicated, committed, individual that you used to be. Are you on the straight and narrow? Do you need Prozac? A healthy box chowing? What is it?

Come on, smokeses the weed with me! I miss biking high with you. Remember the creek? Do you?

Let's have a stoned adventure!

So, DANGER GIRL FELL DOWN...

According to the DR, DANGER GIRL is a disaster. Which, of course makes me immediatly feel better. Better about my drinking, my pot smoking, my over all indulgence about purty much anything and everything. I've decided that the goal in my life is to piggy back on DANGER GIRLS misfortunes and ride them like a wild pony. I mean, don't get me wrong. I make my own advetures, these just seem WAAaaaYYYyy more prevelant and relavant to everything.
First off, DANGER GIRL totally fucked herself up. And, keeps fucking herself up. (I personally think she likes it.) Beyond that, she keeps riding on her own. AND, I only find out when she comes in all sweaty, dripping, pealing off the IPod from her arm saying, "Oh yeah. I just logged bout' 20 miles"....
No big deal. The last time I logged 20 miles on a bike was when we decided to bike w/F.JIM last year!!!
That's OK though. I understand 'crises.'
And, I understand obsession.
*I wish I could become so fucking obsessive!*
I personally think she might be on the verge of 'some kind' of break down....
Some, wierd biking, break down..
Does that happen?
DANGER GIRL!
I'm reaching out! Come to my house. I will meditate and do yoga w/ you.
We will smoke weed and not only heal our insides but the outsides as well!!
I'm here to help!
I love you.
And, Look. I've got some money.
Do you wanna buy an ice cream truck?

GRills and Chills.

HOLY SHIT!

I forgot that this blog was even about biking.. Thanks for keepin' it real F.JIM.

MY HERO.........................

I have been so busy with my run in with the Dodge Ram that I forgot about this picture. Which I am sure the model forgot as well. Sometimes when you have to go you just have to go. Let's salute this fellow biker for baring it all for the love of biking. You...weep..weep..are my hero...sob...sob......................

SIX WEEKS....Can you believe it................

Well, it has been a long 6 weeks since the accident. I am officially out of the cast. Yeah. But in an air splint. I developed Blood Clots (or DVTs for my more weak stomach readers). I have 2 weeks in an air splint, some physical therapy, and 3 more months of taking blood thinners for the DVTs. Oh lucky me.

I am currently fighting with the insurance company. There is a biking rule that states you can not ride on the sidewalk in a business district. Well, in Anchorage we have business districts within residential districts or we have business districts where there is no shoulder and/or the speed limit is higher than regulated for a business district. So the insurance company is trying to pin fault on me. Those Fuckers!!!! Well I got clarification from the MOA. Read below.

Hi Julia, I am so sorry you were hurt, I do hope you are not badly injured and you and your bike are doing well in the recovery process.

I was just speaking with the MOA Traffic Engineer about this very matter this morning. He and I have both had calls recently from insurance companies concerning riding bicycles on sidewalks. I do not believe he has been contacted about your incident, the ones we knew of were on Bragaw, Dimond and Benson.

Title 9, the Municipal code is being changed to be clearer, but Business District is meant to be the Central Business District, which is the area downtown. The code was written many years ago when that was the only business district. It helps to understand the purpose of the law, it was made to reduce conflicts between bicyclists and pedestrians. The code goes on to state that the Municipal Traffic Engineer is authorized to erect signs on any sidewalk prohibiting riding of bicycles. Since this is not downtown and there are no signs, it is fine to ride there. Therefore it is perfectly legal for you to be bicycling on the sidewalk or pathway.

Here is a link to MOA code. Bicycles are 9.38

http://www.municode.com/resources/gateway.asp?pid=12717&sid=2

I know of no logic to absolve automobile drivers – vehicles always yield to peds and bicyclists.

You are welcome to use me as a reference, I would be happy to speak to anyone from your insurance company about this.

The bastards are still fighting me on this. The gal that wrote this email talked to my insurance company today and the feed back was this.

I had the feeling she was hoping to find a written code she would put in a file to really sew thongs up.

I am happy to help. I hope this gets you a brand new bike and you are healed well.

I am going to fight this even if I have to hire an attorney. I will keep everyone posted on the progress. I hope to get the $250 + in damage to my bike repaired soon and get on the horse again.

The MAN will not take me down.

So... I broke my finger, and now I have to clean up the mess...

I think that I've discovered a new way to sustain myself.
A kissing booth!
BTW, My lips are 'pretty much' luscious.
(as those of you that may have had the lucky opportunity to look upon them and can clearly see....)
...My personality pretty much stands up for it self..(We won't even mention my glorious hair..) Besides, SISTER & I have done the market research!!!


***I DID just leave Cordova and was told that the sign (when you leave) used to say:
LADIES, YOU ARE NOW LEAVING CORDOVA!
You are no longer the most beautiful woman in the world.


Regardless,
we all agree, 'for a charitable cause', people will pay.....
let's say, but are not limited to: $100.00 a kiss!!!
(Let me just segue... This was just 'market research'.. We, by 'NO MEANS' smooched any one.....all we did was ask.)
SO,AGAIN, either way.....
This is really good news!

Now, all I have to do is set up a kissing booth in a profitable area!
Oh, and invest in a few more properties...(of course)
Ultimately, I just need to fulfill my dream of becoming the slum lord I was born to be,
but.... until then....

BTW, I learned this on our recent trip to Cordova.
People WILL pay.
As long as it's for a good cause.
YEs.
They will pay.
YES!!!!
AH ha HA ha ha ha...
No.. That was nowhere near the evil laugh I thought it would be.. ... NOPe.
NOT an evil laugh at all.....
Look the other way.
hmmmm......
BTW, I try to pride myself on knowing the difference between...to, two and too....
I've used a lot of them thus far, and I'm spending more time now trying to figure out the proper usage... and, as a result I'm totally slacking on my story...
Sorry.

**For those of you that actually went back and counted... and, evaluated... DON'T JUDGE!**

Well, it's not actually like I have one. but, still.......

A 'story' that is..

I suppose I could talk about 'stuff'.
Wait, I've been drinking again.
Probably a bad idea.
YEPS.
I always rush to the computer the next morning after I've been drunk blogging.
It's kind of a sick obsession I've developed.
I guess it comes w/ the territory.
Blab yer brains out.
Nobody listens.
Hope someone responds. ..
Nobody responds.. Well.. (sometimes.) AND, I want you all (3) to be assured, that, YES..
I DO run to the computer!

Don't you feel special?

It's my therapy.
Why stretch when you can blog????


aHHHhh well.. I suppose to each his own.

I swear!
Actually to tell the truth, I know of at least 3, (Yes, I said 3!!!!) people that read this blog!! I'm so fricken proud of myself!!!!
~PAT~ PAT~
Either way.....
I can't tell you how many blogs I read that BORE me to death!
My only hope.. is to be, at the very least, amusing for my ill placed punctuation and misspellings.
Screw the stories! THAT is all fodder.
Back to my finger...
Oh, wait did I even mention that?



THAT is what I've recently done to make people feel extra sorry for me.
And, please.. If you would like to contribute to my healing process you may make your donations.. to uhhh... OUR KISSING BOOTH, it's for a great cause, I swear!
Just think, You'll be fixing a girls finger...
This particular girl has never known, uhh... 'insurance'!!!
(Yeah! that's the ticket!)
Just think.....You will provide her w/...... a lifetime of 'self sustaining ideas' and, let's call it,..... 'manual labor!!!',
She'll NOW be able to feed herself!
YOU, and only YOU can help this POOR afflicted, invalid.... (Or, as JIM says when she's had a dozen wines or so, "inba~lid" )HA HA HA!
***That can somehow manage to still type...

...............NOTHING!!!!.....

Your donations are greatly appreciated.


Look.
Give me your money.
ALL of it.
I'm gonna call this the, "Modern Day Bank Robbery"
The only real exception is that:
A) I don't really want to explain...~ Splain it to yer selves!!!....~
B) Just give me your money!!!
C) DO IT!!!


Sorry...
I AM drinking wine.

Will you please itch my butt hole? Use your finger.

This morning I have decided to truly commit myself to being an alcoholic.
I woke up, called SISTER and then DANGER GIRL, she informed me that she was, 'waking and baking'.... So, I thought it would be a good time to make myself a Bloody Mary and start blogging.
DANGER GIRL also informed me that summer is the time of perpetual soreness.
Looking at the bruises covering my body, I'm in complete agreement.
Have you ever thought that maybe you should just go back to bed and start over?
I'm kinda thinkin that right now..
Wait, I've got to finish my bloody Mary first.
BTW, apparently if you've got an itchy butt it means that there is A)poop still there... or, B)hemmy's.....
(This is all according to DANGER GIRL.)
She says that if your experiencing this you need to get into the shower and take your scrubby thingy and 'tear it up!'.
It doesn't help them go away, but it certainly helps that 'itchy feeling'. Oh, and BROTHER says you can't go wrong with the prepH..
Now, I want you all to know that I don't have a hemmy... and I'm pretty certain there is no poop there.
I just wanted to give the world a little slice of the early morning conversation pie.
Speaking of which, DANGER GIRL suggested that we go play a little chase ball this afternoon.
In the spirit of O', let's say 'summer' I'm inclined to do it. Anything to make me even more sore, and that may potentially give me more bruises and battering...
Why the hell not?
And, besides, I've been pretty much drunk or high since Thursday so why stop now?
The adventures will ensue!
Now, I just need to dig out my tennis racket and find my balls....
ha ha.. I said, 'balls'.
Damn! Maybe I'll even ride my fricken bike there!
WOW! It's amazing how adventuresome just 1 bloody Mary makes ya feel!
I'm gonna recommend it to all my friends!
Hell!, I may even try a little wakey bakey !
Wait...... I'm getting a little ahead of myself.
I'm really NOT that ambitious...
I mean, I'm an active girl and all, it's just that my TRUE ambition really lies in the fact that I want to be the laziest 'active girl' you'll ever meet.
Is that so wrong?
Or, actually, does that even make sense?

I'm really thinking that I should just stick with my original plan of laying on my deck and studying how to fly airplanes.

The fricken world is my oyster! Bloody Mary. No children. The house is silent.
Oh, and BTW, I'm totally naked writing this!
Aren't you all jealous?

Tell you what.

You bring the beer. I'll provide the deck and the fire. The powers that B will provide the sunshine. We'll flash the train occasionally, watch the planes fly over and have a grand Ol' time!

Is That How You Remember It

Well as SIDEKICK has told, we had a great ride the other night. One that will go down in history as "One of the best rides of my life". However SIDEKICKS telling of the events well is a little inaccurate.

SIDEKICK was convinced that in fact there was a trail to be found if we just went down this road. So after much dilliberating at the stop light I said sure, fuck it lets go. Well no, there was not a trail to be found. Well, not easily, SK says oh these are the condos we pass, so the trail has to be behind them.
Well, me being the doer that I am, I agree to go scout it out. And sure enough what do I see? Bikers! I come back get SK and off we trudge. Much to my dismay I did not see that creek. So like SK says she went first. I was shocked, and left thinking well now I have to go too. So I did, no, the creek was not warm, and the mud on the other side was well, muddy, and sinky and very, very, hard to get out of.

But hey, we did it! So back on our bikes we go peddling with fish bowls in our shoes. We stopped again because SK wanted to have more treats. Now even more buzzed, we decide that we need beer because the cotton mouth is unbearable.

Thank god for Will's Place, it is sooooooo convenient, right on the way to anywhere. Yes 2-3 beers later, and we are outa there.

Along the ride I had been having problems with my seat post holder thinger dinger. Well when get going, the whole thing just busts to a million little pieces. Leaving me to ride all Mexican Gangsta style. Kneeing myself in my lucious lady lumps with every rotation of the peddles!

This just adds to our laughter!

When SK gets her buzz on, nothing and I mean nothing is ever her fault.

That being said when you approching a stop light you have to slow down in order to navigate. Well SK forgets this and is riding balls to the wall, (also not to mention I can hardly see over my handlebars) up my ass and what do you know she slams into my tire. Not once, no not twice, you got it three times! Three fucking times and then falls over! And no, she did not get right up, she lays there screaming I broke my leg, no wait you made me break my leg!

All the while some motorcycle guy is laughing and yelling something at us. Whatever dude!

And we are off again! Only to ride a short distance and see the wonderful display of bum love! If we ever pass out on the trail, SK you can so sleep on my belly!