My helmet just keeps getting better and better.

Bananas for everyone!

Totally off the subject..
I was the victim of a random banana attack yesterday.
(Actually, it was a banana peel to be precise.)

There DANGER GIRL and I were waiting patiently for our walk sign when a little white car came careening around the corner. The driver of said car took one look at me and threw his banana peel. He didn't quite hit me, but I know for a fact he was aiming for me. (Call it a sneakin suspicion)
First, I find it very coincidental considering my freakish fascination with bananas..
(For those of you that know me, you know what I speak of.....)
Secondly, I think that maybe this is my long lost soul mate.
I mean, really?
A banana? Really???? What prompted that?
My only thought is that I must be banana worthy.
Now THAT is saying something.

I really didn't realize this before now, but not many people are banana worthy.

I AM!

I don't know if this is some kind of weird sexual banana throwing fetish or something but I just wanted to thank the driver of that little car.
You sir made my day, and if you see me on the trail again please feel free to throw as many bananas peels as you would like.

And, for the rest of you...

Watch out!

DANGER GIRL gave F.JIM a bike, then tried to kill her.

Here's a comment for the latest blog. I need a cool job where you surf porn and blog while working. Do you have any openings there?

Dear Danger Girl,
I just wanted to say thank you for the "Gently used" Bicycle that you handed down to me. I was so excited about getting out on the open road and peddling my heart out.
I was equally excited about taking my new found toy out for a spin with you and SOGSK on Saturday. The first part of the ride I spent peddling and peddling without any results until I finally figured out the gears. Afterwards I was ready to fly.
Of course I didn't realize that my new toy would soon become the Death Machine and I would literally be flying down a hill. All the while behind me I hear you saying, "Don't panic. Use your back break, Your okay."
WTF.????
I am certainly not okay. What back break? There are no brakes at all. If there were I would have surely used them instead of choosing to plunge to my death. I do want to thank you however for making me a believer in helmets.
Safety before beauty.
I also want to thank you for reminding me of a song from Willy Wonka that I recalled while I was finding my escape from what could have been a blood bath.

Round the world and home again
That's the sailor's way
Faster faster, faster faster

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a–blowing

Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a–glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing

Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing



Sincerely,

Female Jim

Sorry Jim

I have lately come to realize that I, DANGER GIRL, have a sick, sick, sick, addiction! (well ok, maybe more than one) No, I am not talking about my love of alcoholic beverages, or making sure that the labels face out on my canned goods. Oh no, no, no, this my friends is much BIGGER than that!

BIKING!!!!!

If I am not thinking about booze, I am thinking about my next ride!

So lately SIDEKICK, and I have been making up things to do so that we can ride our bikes. I have been even going into work on Fridays. And,what is really sick is that I do not even get paid to be there!

I know that many of you have been wondering what I did with my crappy bicycle after I got the new one.
Weeeelllll, I did what any good bicycle lover would do. I gave it to a friend that did not have one. One that did not ride enough to know what a piece of shit the bike really is.
Wasn't that nice of me!??

So on Saturday we all get together to ride our bikes over to this artsy fartsy party that we are bar tending for. Well, when I gave the bike to FEMALE JIM, I forgot to tell her some pretty important stuff about how the bike currently operated.
Nothing too major, only the fact that EVERY time you go to ride you have to check the brakes.
**Sometimes the front brake thinger dinger comes undone. (no big deal, really!!) Like I said, nothing major.

UNLESS........Of Course...

You are going down a very steep treacherous hill and you have decided for fashion purposes NOT to wear your helmet.
As FEMALE JIM and I begin our descent down this very steep and treacherous hill , FJ yells to me that she does not have any brakes, I calmly yell back "Don't Panic!" I tell her this a few more times, (as if this is going to help her navigate the situation better.)
Luckily for FJ she is a fast thinker. With her hair blowing wildly, and her cheeks flapping, (because her mouth was wide open in terror and I'm also pretty sure she was going faster than the speed of light!)she spied her escape!
A small dirt hill and some railroad tracks.

I also need to mention that there are people and cars everywhere and we are supposed to make a sharp right at the bottom!



Needless to say, my ass still hurts from the chewing out she gave me. It did not help that I was laughing hysterically. (of course not until I new that she was safe)

Gosh, some people are just so ungrateful!

Ring my bell!

It's been a while since I last wrote anything.
So slorry faithful readers!

We have been riding all over gods green creation. Everyday.
It's been fairly nice out and we haven't been rained on in like, 6 days!!!
(knock on wood)
When we started out this Monday we both were feeling pretty shitty. The events of the weekend apparently had caught up with us and (because we are psychically linked) we both were coming down w/ the crud.
Well....It's Wednesday and we are living proof that you can exercise a cold right out of your system. We sweat so much that no virus has a chance in hell of surviving!
AH ha ha ha ha hA!!!!

Other than that, nothing has really been happening. I mean beyond the normal avoiding death at every intersection and such. Oh yeah, and DANGER GIRL took my bike into the shop this weekend to replace a couple of parts and now it rides like a dream again. Whoo HooOo!

Life has actually been pretty boring. I keep trying to think up something fun to write about but, Nope...
I suck.
My mind is in a vortex currently. I just finished a really great book and am trying to read up on the ballot measures for the upcoming election. I know!!! Exciting eh?
I got really stoned last night and resolved that I needed to become a politician.
Yeah Right!!...
Then I woke up this morning and decided that I had far too many skeletons in my closet for that sort of thing. I mean shit! THAT could get ugly. Maybe I'll just have to content myself with trying to influence those around me to vote the way I want them too....

Well.. N E Whoo... Just thought I'd touch base and assure everyone that we are not lying on the trail somewhere having been mauled by a bear or something of that nature.
We're still goin strong. We're still Sticken it to the man, and YES
we are still awesome biker babes.
And, if you happen to see us on the trail, please, for the love of GOD, honk and whistle!

How far will they go????

I'm going to share a little personal info with you people.
I wear thong undies.
Now, riding my bike I have discovered that regardless of the fact that my underwear are already up my ass, they never cease to reach depths that I thought would be, or could be imaginable.
Unfortunately for me, I've been wearing them so long that I can not go back to the 'full ass' kind. So, I am stuck.
Imagine your precious little bung hole being grabbed by two pieces of material. "In one corner, we have: THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE THONG!!... And, In the other corner: THE LEFT SIDE OF THE THONG!" DING DING!!!
Each side fighting to gain a strong hold, yet neither one will win.. They just continue to struggle, grabbing every ounce of spare flesh that may be exposed........

The trails we ride are VERY bumpy. I have tried to stand while trundling along, but I've got to peddle.

I ride a cruiser.

It is somewhat difficult to stand and peddle at the same time... So, I have to sit. All the while my underwear are crawling deeper and deeper into my unknown parts.
I have this thought that one day someone will come along the trail and find just my bike and a pair of thongs...

They will probably be saying something like, "Nom, Nom, Nom.. burp!"
Having crawled so far up there that they will have consumed my whole person.

Maybe I'll just quit wearing them........

Meeting the Maker, Almost

I almost met the maker today!
I was racing home...... in the zone, going warp speed, when all of a sudden as I am nearly across one of the cross walks, I look up and wham! There is a car, right there,
going full throttle and turning full speed.
Well , I let out a scream of the greatest proportions.......
"AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE! WHAT THE FUCK???!!!"
Thank god that bacon eating bitch, saw me at the last minute! She had come with-in 3 inches of my sweet precious life!(and new sick bike)
I'm sure that if I had not screamed my blood curdling scream she would have takin me out.....
In one big nasty squish.


Aside from all of this, my new sick ride is freaking awesome! It peddles like melted butter, and shifts like a dream! (most of the time, gotta get a tune up)


On this most glorious sunny day, all I have thought about is riding my bike!
I can finally see myself as a full time bike rider. (except in the winter! ........Maybe?)
I have to get my MINI ME'S up, able and fit for the riding.


I, like SIDEKICK, am wondering if we will be sitting on a park bench drinking the last of an Old E 40 waiting for spring. If you see us, please don't bother stopping us.
Salty beer is not as bad as it seems, and our tears will dry by the spring melt.


I would like to share now, some of the terms that SIDEKICK and I have come up with along the ride...........


PB= Pussy Banger: that is when you hit a bump going really fast, and the bike jars up and hits you....... Well, you know where.

BG= Bum Gum: when your gum becomes too hard to chew, and you must dispose of it, somewhere the bums can find it, and chew it later.

DR= Drunk Riding: I do not need to explain this. It has been talked about often in our other posts!

ATLR= At Least There're Riding: fat people we really like to see riding their bikes.

BD= Bum Drinking: yeah, you guessed it! The last swig of a forty.

BF= Bum Food: any and all food, found on the trail. This is to also include hot dogs that are hours old, and cooked in the sun. (they looked tasty til someone ran them over! poor bums!)

BS= Bum Sex: the nasty stinky fish smell that eminated from the bushes while we were passing 'known' bum bushes. (THIS is just wrong! AND IT STINKS!!! take note bums! Wash yer shit iffen' yer gonna get it on!)

BB= Bum Bushes: where the bums sleep....... (and have nasty, stinky bum sex.)

BE=Bacon Eaters: any and all people that dare to run us over in cross walks! We are convinced they are just trying to hurry up and get that next piece of bacon.

Well, that is a good start for now.
Let us know if YOU can think of anything else for us.

THERE'S NO CRYING IN BIKING!!!!!

Whelp, as DANGER GIRL has already pointed out...We biked our asses off last week.
I would like to take this opportunity to expound a little more.

When we started this adventure the thought behind it was,
Stick it to the man!!! And, hey! we'll get in shape while we do it!!
So far we have been successful in all of our endeavours. I have only had to fill up my gas tank about3 times since the beginning of the summer! and I've lost some weight too!
However, WE (I have decided) are total gluttons for punishment.
20 miles one day... What? 50 the next?
I have taken to riding on the weekends and we recently added an extra leg to our journey in the morning.....All just to log a little more time spent on our bikes.

I am a biking junky.

I can relate it to the crackheads we occasionally pass on the trail. Or, even better! The bum we saw rummaging through the old, dank 40's under the park bench and then drinking the remnants... EwwWWWww!
If a day passes that my hair is not dampened and my back isn't running with sweat I feel like I'm missing my fix.
But yet, on the other hand... While I am in the midst of my biking adventures I am constantly lamenting, "Why? Why? Why, do I do this to my self?"
(Normally this happens when I'm going up an especially challenging hill.)
DANGER GIRL never fails to remind me that, Yes, in fact we are gluttons.

This brings me back to the point of being a junkie. What is it about human nature that drives us to such self assailing punishment? Before I started biking the only thing I got really excited about was drinking beer at WILLS PLACE, Camping and building fires.
Now, it's like I've stuck the needle in and am starting to loose my teeth cause I'm so addicted.
I've lately found my self worrying about what I'll be doing in the winter. I imagine trudging out in the snow to the shed where my bike will be stored and dreaming longingly of the time we can be together again. I even agonize that the time spent apart will be too much and I will lose interest all together...

I have got to find something to replace this compulsion to bike when the snow flies!

HELP ME PEOPLE!!!

If you can't.....You very well may see me on the side of the road, eating bum food and drinking from half empty beer bottles this winter. AND, if you do, don't you dare try to stop me!
I'm just trying to get over missing my bike.

road ragers

Don't let this happen to you, for the love of Jebus!

Hitler Mad

Now for my side of the story....... Thursday was a very exciting day for me, after my tire went flat and I had to maneuver my lame bike on only the rear tire. Which I might add is not easy! I was looking rather the fool as I swayed all over the road trying to control my beast of a bike. How that retard in the truck could have missed seeing me is beyond my understanding.


After arriving at the gas station, I stomp on over to Fred Meyer, a Mad woman on a mission. I race thru the store find what I need and proceed to the check out. The lady at the self check out gives me a strange look and steps quickly out of my way. I pay for my tire and with a few more strange looks stomp back over the gas station . Upon my arrival, SIDEKICK who is on the phone takes one look at me and busts a gut laughing. Some how along the way I had given myself a sweet Hitler grease mustache! Well, no wonder people were going to great lengths to stay out of my way. We have now coined the term HITLER MAD!


After all of this, SIDEKICK and I decide that we need BEER! So we bike to her house, and head to our OTHER FAVORITE BEER STORE to replenish our souls and stomachs. After this SIDEKICK decides that she needs some "real" biking clothes! So off we go to REI. I, of course have been longing for a sweet new bike, well let me tell you, it was like letting a kid go in a candy store. Needless to say an hour and several hundred dollars later we emerge. SIDEKICK with a huge bag of "real bike clothes" and me grinning ear to ear with a sweet new bike. Taking from one of the terms we learned from our "real bike friends" It's a Sick ride!


This is all leads us to Friday. Due to the recent excitment of the new bike, of course we decided to ride to work again. (normally we do not ride on Fridays)
Well, the day before with everything that had happened, (I forgot to mention) we had also locked our keys in the office. Sooooooo...... We had to ride to the boss's house first and acquire some keys. It's about 31/2 miles out of our way so we decided to explore the trails. It was like riding in a rain forest. Everything was green and luscious, the sun was shining and we were taken in by the beauty of it all.
At some point we realized that we should get off of the trail and figure out where we were at. Long story short, we were way out of our way, and now needed to get back on track.
At the end of the day and several errands later we figured that we had ridden between 18-20 miles!
On our day off I might add!


Today I am a little sore, but still grinning from ear to ear!

I have a few suggestions that may help.
First, I have invented a new product. With it, you can scale any mountain with your bike over your head!

When you see this in coolers by next year, you'll know you saw it first on 409 gals.

Secondly, it is a little known fact that THE LIGHTEST BIKES OF ALL are the invisible ones.

But don't be fooled, they're not without hazards.
It's an even lesser known fact that my preferred method of locomotion is actually levitating. I highly recommend it.
Notice the shadow. I love hovering over ancient Moorish castles. Don't you?
The only fuel required for this is beer and beans.

It's raining outside...

This is what we've looked like when we finally make it home the past couple days.......

Here is proof.

Yep.

Another day another dollar.

I would like to apologize in advance for the sideways view of the video. Apparently once you take a video on my camera you can't turn it..
So, that having been said I'll tell you a little about our morning.
DANGER GIRL and I were zooming along making record speed when DANGER GIRLS' tire went flat.
Luckily we weren't that far from the nearest convenience store and gas station. We walked our bikes the rest of the way. DANGER GIRL had to literally carry her bike until she discovered that she could sorta semi-wheel it on the back tire.. (As you can see in the video.)
On the last road we had to cross, some dick face in a big ol fat gas guzzling truck turned right in front of us.(he looked right at us and turned anyway!)
Me, being filled with bike rage immediately yelled, "Fuck you! Asshole!!!" Then, get this! This prick stops his truck, right in the middle of the road, opens up his door and says to us, " Yeah, have a nice day" (very sarcastically I might add.... )
Whelp., DANGER GIRL was not in the mood..
She yells back, "Have a nice day?!??, HAVE A NICE DAY??!!! Lick my pussy asshole!!!"
OH MY GOD did I laugh at that. ALL the way to the store. The whole time we were changing the tire on her bike and ALL the way to work. In fact, I'm still laughing.
I had to call SISTER and tell her all about it. She said we are gonna get ourselves killed one of these days but she definitely wanted a sticker on her backpack that said that.

Victory Hill

Today may not have been the best day for riding, but when you are sticking it to THE MAN no amount of rain is gonna stop ya. So, with out fail SIDEKICK was waiting ever faithfully for me at our designated spot. We shared a good laugh at ourselves for being so diligent and set out on our way.


I sat high and proud upon my seat, thinking to myself how fabulous I am for being out on my bike while mother nature is pouring buckets of water on me. After a little way though, I realized that proud and tall may not be the best posture for riding in copious amounts of rain. It is like giving the bird to someone with a hose, they will only soak you more. That being said, I tucked my head and hunkered down.


On the last part of our journey as we enter the parking lot to work there is this little fun hill that we like to go up really fast. (We will call it Victory hill) Well, I was behind SIDEKICK (remember she does not like all the mud and water in her fabulous hair and face) she took Victory hill with no apparent problems and is zooming thru the parking lot. I, on the other hand hit the hill and am half way up when I feel my tires are starting to slip. I peddle faster in hopes of stabilizing myself, but to my dismay (you're getting were I am going with this) you got it! With a wet plop I landed right in the mud! (You maybe asking yourself now, oh my gosh! Are you OK? I am OK!) Well, I let out a good laugh, untangle myself from my bike and catch up with my riding partner. Who by the way, heard the commotion and had stopped and was laughing her butt off at me!


On the way home all of the rain helped to wash the mud off of me from my fall.
I learned today that jeans are no good to bike in when it is raining. They are more like a vice, the wetter they get, the less likely they are to move and the tighter the material becomes on my bulging thighs.


When I am biking there is never a dull moment. If it's not rain, it's people trying to kill me, Victory hills, saying hello the bums, and laughing all the way!