It's a Harry Cue!!!

JUNE???? Whaaaaat?

Geeze!!??? It's been since JUNE?.?.?. We're really slacking here. Well, I suppose I'm the one to blame. I have been ,,less,, than motivated.. to do ALL sorts O' stuff this summer. (please take note of the ,,under quotes,,.. They really do mean ,,something,,)
I thought that THIS was the summer of 'all' fitness. ......
.......
Yeah, .... NO.
I'm no more motivated now, than I was when I was at my deepest, dark depression after having 2 consecutive children at 15& 16.
Which reminds me.
I was just regaling this story to my newly mother'd friend...
I was, like, 15, and my youngest daughter had been crying for, like...... HOURS. (I revert to the obvious use of the word, "like".. Cause I was, like.... a Valley girl....Or, at least I tried to fashion myself to be, like..... one.) Any whoo.. At this point I'm crying myself, screaming for my mom to come take this fricken kid before I just go ahead and leave her at the nearest convent...'
(Lucky for me) I lived at home and my mom FINALLY felt sorry and rescued me.

You know, I'm always touting that girls should have their kids young, in fact.. The younger, the better.. get it all outta the way. Raise your kids in oblivion, all the better to enjoy your adulthood.
That's what I say!!!
Grow up with your kids...
That way at least when they come to you, bitching about how you 'did them wrong' .. You can honestly say that you "did the best you could, with what you had, blah.. blah ... blahdy blah...".........
Well, that and the fact that you really don't have too much of a recollection of anything that happened later anyway. (which TOTALLY helps)
You're pretty much home free!!
ANY WAY... back to my being somewhat lame, unmotivated and depressed.
****Nothing like pulling you in, and then just kickin' the stool out from underneath yer short little midget legs!!!
hold on a minute..

. I need another drink!!!....



OK!!! I forgot how fun it is to espouse, whilst getting all shitty on vodka! GOOD TIMES!!!

It's not like I haven't been doin stuff. I've been working. Traveling. cleaning....eating... drinking....... listening to music...
You KNOW?!! ....Stuff......
I am faced with the conundrum of, "what will it take to make you, *me* happy?'
Should I resume flight lessons? Or, just fly to other countries and experience the 'different lives'? Should I go back to school and finish my philosophy/business/anthropology degree? Should I write a book? Should I pursue my painting? Should I hop the nearest freight train and see how far east I can ride?..... Should I live in my house, content with keeping up with the upkeep and general entertaining? Should I throw one great party a year and call it 'good'... and then spend the rest of the year planning for it?... Should I sell my properties, buy a boat and sail the seas of cheese? Say, for that matter, should I open a cheese shop? Maybe, I'll just grow my hair out, quit shaving and start wearing patchouli.?.....

I guess that is the (one) thing about having kids early.

I just realized....
You suddenly find yourself in a position of freedom. ..
and, I mean, Ultimate freedom. No responsibilities. No obligations.
Is this what "midlife crisis" entails? Am I having a mid life crisis?
At 34? IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!
Wait.... I'm the girl that had kids at 14&15... Does that fast-forward my progress?
Am I actually 'time wise', "right on time"?
I've got money. I've got looks. I've got possibilities.
WHAT? Oh, what, should I do??..........

I suppose I'll just bide my time. For now. I make no plans. I ride the wave.


In fact, I think......

I WILL sail the seas of cheese!!!
At least for now.

Ride or Die!!!!!!

And just like that it's summer!

Today I went to see my BRAZILIAN friend. You know the one! The one I pay to see. Well as she is ripping away, she says "So are you gardening, planting flowers or anything?" My reply "I don't have time for that kind of shit, it's biking season!"


As usual, this time of year by brain becomes obsessed, and possessed by...... You got it, SEX! Oh wait, I meant, BIKING! (and SEX) Hmmmm........ Sex Biking! Ok, ok, maybe I'll just wear my bike helmet the next time I have sex. Safety first! Right?


Speaking of helmets and safety.

So the other morning,
No, not the one were I apparently sucked ass, and SIDEKICK, alone, almost got taken out by the tard bus.
No, a morning or two before that one. We roll up to our bikes day chalet, aka; pump room, lightbulb storage, Large Metal Pole For No Known Purpose, and finally THE DOC's smoking room.

Well on this particular day, SIDEKICK puts her bike in first, and as I wait outside, I witness the unimaginable happen. SK is struggling with balancing her bike, and not ripping someones phone lines out, unaware of the fact that she has upset the balance of the Large Metal Pole With No Known Purpose.

Me, in slow motion: Nooooooooooo, SssssIiiiiiiiiDdddddEeeeKkkkkIiiiiiiCcccccKkkkk, looooooook oooooooouuuu..............t

SIDEKICK, (think angry midget): OUCH! FUCK! What the fuck!

Thank the bums, she had her helmet on, and well, it landed on her shoulder.
Being the tough gal that she is , she has only complained to my uncompassionate self once.
Needless to say, I don't forsee, angry midget, pole dancing in her future! Just sayin.


So our new game of Name That Biker, keeps the rides light, and the laughter rolling. Here is some pointers to help you in identifying said bikers.


The Fashion Biker:

Rides a cruiser, or some other type of upright bike.
Does not wear a helmet, but has flowers, or some kind of large hair excessory. (yeah, like a fucking flower is gonna save your brain piece. The paramedics will be so impressed by your bloody flower floating in your empty skull)
Wears dresses, or designer capris, and European shoes.

The Smart Fashion Biker:

See above, and add a helmet, with long hair carefully draped over shoulder.
Oh yeah, and these bitches NEVER sweat!


The Snob Biker:

Rides a street bike (or as kids, we called them 10 speeds)sometimes seen on a mountain bike Outer Space helmet
Spandex
Clip in biking shoes
Fly sunglasses
No facial expression
Never says" Hello", and all around thinks all other's are biking, pond scum


The Trust Fund Biker:


Like a Fashion Biker , but much happier.
They are biking to feel
They will spot you a Starbucks if they are in line behind you, when you realize you left your wallet in your purse, and not your backpack.


The Bone Breaker:

Almost everytime they ride, they break a leg! Nuff said!


This my friends should get you going, I will add to this as I roll along. Have a great day, and for Bums sake DO YOU SEE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost got hit....

By the "intellectually challenged" bus.
He wasn't looking, I swear! I had a good clip going, beating, DANGER GIRL.....
She sometimes finds those gradual slopes a challenge. Or, more accurately, an ideal chance to catch her breath.
Today is day 3, that we've honed in on our muscles.. Really felt them....
Makin' dem a part of what/who we are...
Go ahead, FEEL my legs~! They are like steel! I will crush you!
Put your head between them! DO IT!!!
any whoo....
DANGER GIRL has takin to naming all the bikers we pass.
It's kinda fun...
We've got:
DUI Biker
CAN'T AffORD IT biker
Snob BIKER
Style Biker
Long Distance Biker
Fashion biker
Smart fashion biker
Cute biker
Really CUTE BIKER
MANcercizer biker
Bum biker
Novice biker
Yuppie biker
3 X DUI biker
Gay biker
TRYING really HARD bIKER
Big Butt Biker
And where do you ask, do I fit in this list?
Well, I can identify with more than one, but mostly, I'm just,
a Fat chick trying to exercise, biker...
Don't mind me if I sweat on you while I pass.
You know that hill you just flew down?
Yeah, well I'm huffin and puffin up it.
No judgment. Right?

First real ride.

I'm totally stoked.
I made it all the way to work and surprisingly my ass feels indifferent to the pounding it took this morning. And, NO.... for all you pervs out there, it was not due to anything entering my butt, beyond my skinny little bike seat.
I started out really good. Glorious morning, I'm feeling that muscle memory coming back almost instantly. Very little wind.
Bike feels good.
I feel good.
About a quarter of the way I have to remind myself that this is not a race. I need to pace myself if I want to make it up all those dreaded hills and the 'what seem like forever' stretches of sidewalk.
I realized this morning that the reason half the bikers I encounter on the trail don't say, "hi" to me is because they are in their own states of misery. I get it that some bikers ride for the pure pleasure of it, others.. Well....Like me, I ride because I'm fat and out of shape, and it's summer and what the hell else am I gonna do for exercise? I ride because if I didn't, I'd weigh like 800lbs..
(What with all the boozing and eating I do.)
These guys are out there biking each morning, trying to get where they are going as fast as they can. They have no time (or breath) left to utter any sort of simple pleasantries to their fellow commuters.
However, Me?.. I love whizzing by someone and no matter how outta breath I am, yelling, "Top O the Mornin to ya!", or, something along the lines of, "Evenin' Gov'na!".
It brightens my day.
I had this fantasy about riding so fast that I would be a blur to people's vision. Well, it morphed into a pack of midgets cheering me on, spurring my legs to spin those pedals, whipping me into a biking frenzy. *Little oxygen and heavy breathing does that to you. That, and the thought of your heart imploding whilst cresting every god forsaken hill.*
Then I imagined what I truly look like. A girl sweating her ass off, trudging down the road at speeds so slow a big fat man....eating a hamburger....running backward...would pass up.
Well, maybe that's stretching it a little, but trust me, it sure feels like it when I'm going 2 miles and hour, up hill ...pumping the shit out of my flabby little legs!
No No, really... They are LEGS OF STEEL!I will CRUSH someones head with them!!
Yeah, yeah! THAT's what I'll keep telling myself.

I've kept it all inside.

So, another day. Another dollar.

Well......today, I think I've earned my dollars.
I often stop and wonder, why? Why do things come around that cause me to.. Pause?... Why do I have to question man kind?
Why do I have to doubt the kindness, Or yet, presume to trust my fellow man?...
I suppose that I could surmise that all men have an unfailing belief in man kind, as a general. I could daydream the prospect of one day just REALLY being able to trust. I could also dare to supposition that the only thing every man really, truly wants is a kindred-ship, a brotherhood (so to speak) with one another.
To trust and be trusted.
To love and be loved.
Right?
Isn't THAT what it's all about?
I guess I'm not so sure anymore.
The longer I live, the less I feel inclined to share those feelings with the masses.
I've become jaded. Harsh, some might say.
More to the point though, I've become disillusioned with people in general.
Mostly I find that the 'Not listening' and 'Hearing only what you want to hear' really is getting to me.
So, let's say that we all just stop and listen for a day?
Unless you're asked a question, you spend one f-in day not saying a Gorram word..
It could be an experiment.
I'd be interested in what people thought, if it actually taught the general public, something...... Anything!!!! anything beyond being selfish ass holes only concerned with BEING heard.
Every one's got a point to make. Everyone has something to say.
If everyone just shut the fuck up for a minute, everyone just might get what you're trying to convey to the rest of the world.
WOW.. I'm on the box tonight! Sorry, weed does that to ya.
I mean, weeds growing in your back yard.
Yeah, THAT's the ticket!
I promise to blog about biking soon.

THIS is a slug.

I dare someone to eat it.

Geeze! OK.

Time and time again I find myself reminiscing about the old times. When CHOWDER HEAD was a common nomenclature. When F.JIM was handing out JIM bags, when DANCING QUEEN was dancing her way to stardom.
When any day of the week you may find any one of us drunk, stumbling around and doing all sorts of funny and indescribable acts. hmmmm.....
Where did the time go?
DANGER GIRL has rallied, and I'm here in answer.
It's sunny outside today,COLD and sunny. If I had more motivation, (not to mention, balls) I would consider getting my bike out. Unfortunately I have neither, so I think I'll stay inside all warm and cozy like.
Tonight is girls night. I like girls night.
Usually.

An Appeal To Your Creative Sides

Here I go again, trying to put new fire into our dying blog........

I make you go rock climbing, and still nothing!

SIDEKICK, you, end up having your hand sucked up to almost the top of the damn wall! And still nothing.

FEMALEJIM, you nearly pissed yer pants, as your fear of heights, took hold of you! And still nothing.

Nothing! Not a god damn thing from you bitches!

We have had adventure!

We have had laughs!

What we have not had, is anybody blogging about their experiences.

FEMALEJIM and I went winter biking with my BIKEWIDOWER

Still nothing.....No funny stories of me chucking my guts in your driveway, nope not a one!

Biking with a 16lb bowling ball in your backpack, that is funny shit.

Come on Gals, reach deep, find your juice, or sauce, or whatever! Please come back......

Dear $4.09 Gals, You Suck, and WTF!

Well, well, well! What a disappointment this blog has become. We used to have passion, joy and witty things to post.

Now what? We just let it fail and take a back seat? I don't think so!!!!! Ladies let's get with the program here.

Ok, so it's not biking season! So fucking what?

SIDEKICK, what happened to yer drunk epiphanies? I know you are not sober all the time! WTF!

FEMALE JIM, what about you??????? You are biking! In the winter no less! What!? Do I have to run you over with my black GMC, in order to get yer ass to post a thing or two. Again, WTF!

SISTER, you are the only one, that may have some kind of an excuse. Seein as yer goin to college and all! But still come on! Dietary can be funny. Right?

Well anyways ladies, if we don't have anything to write about, then we are NOT living like we should be!

What happened to sticking it to THE MAN!

BEING FREE!

MIDGET PORN!
(whoops, nothing)

GREAT ADVENTURES!

Oh yeah!
And GETTING STONED!

Consider, my friends, coming rock climbing with me.
It would be fun!
We would laugh, a lot!
And maybe, just maybe, one of you bitches would post about it!



Faithfully yours, and bored out of my gourd,
DANGERGIRL

P.S. I just want to live a little before I die!

A friendly note to my Homeowners Association

I would like to share a letter with you, written to my Homeowners Association. This has nothing to do with biking, but I feel it is worthy of sharing.

To whom it may concern:

I would like to take a moment to apologize, for not addressing all of the 5 citations in a more timely manner.Let me address them now.

Citation #1
Trash can in front of garage

Resolution:
Corrected day of notice

Citation #2
Trash can on balcony $200.00 fine, do to previous offense

Resolution:
Contacted your office via E-mail stating that 1) it is not a trash can 2) it has been on my porch for 6 yrs. 3)these are not the same offenses there for I should not receive this fine of $200.00

Your response:
To send me a letter arriving after the date, stating I had missed my hearing

My response:
How can I attend a hearing I have no idea I am supposed to be at days before. I apologize, but my time machine is broken, and Micheal J. Fox is backed up, do to his illness.

Citation #3
My grass is to brown

My response:
I am not fucking Mother Nature, and cannot control the sun to rain ratio. I was going to stop by Lowes and pick up some harmful chemicals, and fertilizer, but do to time constraints that I will address later, it was difficult . Also I would like to remind you that for 9 months out of the year my yard is piled with the neighborhoods snow, thus the 3 months it has to grow, are a little rough.

Citation #4
Not stating in writing my intention to paint $500.00 fine

My response:
Due to my dyslexia, sometimes I don't completely, comprehend things that I read. I know, I know, not excusable . How ever 500.00 bucks is pretty stinkin steep. How am I supposed to pay a painter when you fine me half the cost of painting. further more, I had a shiest y Mexican on the line , but he took the neighbors money, and ran back to Tijiauana to get some more blo.

Citation #5
Removing the wire runner line from my front porch $100.00 fine

My Response:
Article VII Section 7.2 only states that I will maintane my fence, and porch. It says nothing to the effect of the wire runner. Upon inspection I find it to be in good working order, not rusty and able to withstand the impact of my 125lb pooch charging at full speed. I recomend your snitch attach themselves to it, and run at full speed, I am sure they will find it in good working condition.

In closing, I would like to say, I am sorry for not addressing these issues in more depth sooner. The summer has slipped away from me. These issues you have with my unit, have unfortanatly taken a backseat to the hum drum, of my everyday life.

What with dealing with the attempted suicide of my drug addicted , psychopathic, mother, and the unfortunate need for her to come "home".

Let me also not forget my dear friend, the self proclaimed alcoholic, who flipped her truck a week later. Now I am her bitch, and have even more errands to run.

Oh yeah, and the sudden, and tragic death of my beloved kitty Ernie, if I would have known that he would have been dead by midnight, I would have let him suffer, and die at home, instead of spending my painting money on trying to save him.

So at the end of a long day, working sometimes 10 and 12 hour days, I try to convince the kids, that watering our brown lawn is fun, they disagree, demanding dinner, and my attention.

Thank the Gods, for the rain, it has helped to relieve one small burden for me.

So, fuck off , and die! Stay the fuck away from my yard, and when I remove my runner line , I will teach my Mastiff to shit in your yard.

Fuck off!
DANGERGIRL

Dear SIDEKICK........

So SIDEKICK keeps bloging saying how she wants to be a pothead. Well let me tell you, my loyal reader, that is not the case! For two days, I have been trying to get her to smokeses the weed with me, and to my dismay, she will not.

This leaves me to smokeses the weed alone...... (so sad) Well don't get me wrong, she hangs with me in the woods, and helps to fend off The Rabid Bear Dog. But alas, I still smoke.

So I get into my stoned, biking groove, alone. (insert weeping here)

I have amazing epiphanies, I find the rhythm of the peddling to be soothing to my frazzled nerves. And all the while, I imagine that my loyal biking partner, is on the same page.

Well to my regret, she is not, and has no idea, what the hell I am trying desperately to explain to her, nor does she have the time, or patience to listen. Dirty Bitch!

SIDEKICK, this time it is I, DANGERGIRL, that is reaching out to you. You, my loyal biking, drinking, and potsmoking friend, are SLIPPING!

Your just not the same dedicated, committed, individual that you used to be. Are you on the straight and narrow? Do you need Prozac? A healthy box chowing? What is it?

Come on, smokeses the weed with me! I miss biking high with you. Remember the creek? Do you?

Let's have a stoned adventure!

So, DANGER GIRL FELL DOWN...

According to the DR, DANGER GIRL is a disaster. Which, of course makes me immediatly feel better. Better about my drinking, my pot smoking, my over all indulgence about purty much anything and everything. I've decided that the goal in my life is to piggy back on DANGER GIRLS misfortunes and ride them like a wild pony. I mean, don't get me wrong. I make my own advetures, these just seem WAAaaaYYYyy more prevelant and relavant to everything.
First off, DANGER GIRL totally fucked herself up. And, keeps fucking herself up. (I personally think she likes it.) Beyond that, she keeps riding on her own. AND, I only find out when she comes in all sweaty, dripping, pealing off the IPod from her arm saying, "Oh yeah. I just logged bout' 20 miles"....
No big deal. The last time I logged 20 miles on a bike was when we decided to bike w/F.JIM last year!!!
That's OK though. I understand 'crises.'
And, I understand obsession.
*I wish I could become so fucking obsessive!*
I personally think she might be on the verge of 'some kind' of break down....
Some, wierd biking, break down..
Does that happen?
DANGER GIRL!
I'm reaching out! Come to my house. I will meditate and do yoga w/ you.
We will smoke weed and not only heal our insides but the outsides as well!!
I'm here to help!
I love you.
And, Look. I've got some money.
Do you wanna buy an ice cream truck?

GRills and Chills.

HOLY SHIT!

I forgot that this blog was even about biking.. Thanks for keepin' it real F.JIM.

MY HERO.........................

I have been so busy with my run in with the Dodge Ram that I forgot about this picture. Which I am sure the model forgot as well. Sometimes when you have to go you just have to go. Let's salute this fellow biker for baring it all for the love of biking. You...weep..weep..are my hero...sob...sob......................